Political Humor

A few months ago John McCain envisioned what 2012 would be like if he was President. I imagine more arguing and menial accomplishments from my government in the next four years but I am being an optimist after all. The best possible outcome is a deadlocked legislature because they can’t screw anything up if they can’t agree what to do.

None the less I did some digging on this story during my writing break and I am proud to announce I have obtained John McCain‘s diary from the future if he were elected. The journal was odd in that it wasn’t day-to-day but rather just when he wanted to make note of something or actually remembered to.

It is a telling account of the world we will live in and what special interest group will make out from a McCain presidency.

2/02/09

“Some are already making claims that I am incontinent. I have begun eating prunes to help combat this perception.”

8/25/09

“Being incontinent cropped up again this week in the news. I’ve asked my press secretary to increase the prune feedings to twice daily.”

1/01/10

“New Year’s resolution: more prunes.”

4/30/10

“Again with the incontinent remarks. I have pooped three times already this month. I do not understand what these people want from me.”

7/02/10

“This is the third time this week the media has referred to my incontinence.”

10/20/10

“Must…get…prunes. Haven’t pooped in a week.”

12/31/10

“Again my resolution is more prunes. Why must the press harp on my incontinence?”

5/20/11

“I signed legislation that will give subsidies to prune and fiber farmers. Showed the country I give a poop about them.”

6/11/11

“I am not leaving the bathroom until I have pooped twelve times, once for each Cabinet member so I can show them who’s incontinent.”

7/01/11

“My press secretary has finally pulled me aside and told me everyone was calling me incompetent.

I’ve cancelled future prune shipments. And I’ve decided to nuke Iran.”

Chris Cameron’s weekly political humor columns magically appear here every Thursday at Political Humor by Radioactive Liberty. You can also read his odd and twisted humor at his own humor blog, Angry Seafood.

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John McCain is dangerous for America. He will rape the Earth, eat your baby, and send the Death Star to destroy the world. He also hates black people.

John McCain is a war monger. According to certified idiot, Pat Buchanan – Who has never held a credible opinion in his life – John McCain “will make Hitler look like Ghandi.” Actually, he said Cheney, not Hitler, but we already know that the difference there is trivial.

John McCain hates foreigners. Sure he favors amnesty for illegal immigrants, but he doesn’t even know any foreign languages, just like typical embarassing Americans. When Europeans come over here, they all speak English, they speak French, they speak German. John McCain doesn’t even know what “Merci beaucoup” means in Spanish. Obama may have his head stuck in a bucket, but at least he knows that much.

John McCain wants to see women punished with childbirth. He wants to take the tender, succulent babies and eat them with A1 steak sauce. A1, yeah. It’s that important. He will take the tougher, stringier babies and send them off to die in Iraq. We look to this MoveOn.Org video where a distressed and confused mother is holding her baby, and feeding it drano. She’s terrified that John McCain will take her baby away. She even breaks into a Ramones song parody.

John McK-K-Kain took my baby away. He took him away. Away from me. John McK-K-Kain took my baby away. He took my boy. He took my baby away.

See the terror that is inflicted when people are punished with babies? John McCain is a terrorist.

John McCain wants to kill Iranians with cigarettes. That’s not even efficient. We all know that Global Warming is going to kill us all in the next 6 months, or 6 millenia. The difference there is trivial. We should kill the Iranians with SUVs and LCD screen TVs.

Wait! No. We shouldn’t kill the Iranians at all. We should hand deliver them scones and missiles, and apologize profusely for being ignorant Americans that don’t even know what “Merci beaucoup” means in their native tongue. That’s what Barack Obama will do.

John McCain doesn’t even have a detailed plan for the impending global climate crisis. Has he proposed any floating lilly pad cities? No. He seems to be of the opinion that we should just let global warming kill ‘em all and let Gaia sort them out. In fact, he scored a 0 — yes, zero — from the League of Conservation Voters last year.

Obama will impose rations, raise gas taxes to unaffordable rates, and stop people from being punished with babies, which will lower consumption further.

John McCain is a threat to America and the American way of life. Whether your baby is tender and succulent, or tough and stringy, it is imperative to their future that we keep John McCain out of office.

Yeah. It’s that important.

I’m John McCain and I approve this Walmart.

McCain Walmart greeter photoshop by Les, just for Chris.

Humor-Blogs.com knows Obama Spanish. That’s the one where “Merci beaucoup” isn’t French.

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Foreword

I was given an assignment. At first I thought it would be a breeze. How hard could it be, after all, to take yet another politician and drag them through the mud they’ve been raking?

Obama was such an easy target, and Fiar did an admirable job of using him as a mop -bucket on his head and all, when he wrote about the jobs Obama is almost qualified for.  So I thought, John McCain is a lot older, with a much deeper history, he should be easier to trip-up. Right?  The quandary is, I’m retired Army, so picking on a Viet Nam war POW isn’t easy for me, even if he was Navy.  But the fact is, he’s changed in some very fundamental ways over the years. I respect him for the man he was.  I have a difficult time with the man he’s become.

The John McCain that I focused on was the man of the past 10 or so years.  The wishy-washy, middle-of the-aisle, maverick, Politician, and I’ve really have grown to despise Politicians.

Enough with the intro.  

Hang on a second. Gotta get this out first. 

Question: What job is Hillary almost qualified for? 

Answer: Her party’s nominee!  Ooooo…Slap!

The Politician

Sen. John McCain (Rino, AZ) kind of gives me the creeps. I’m not sure why.  Maybe it’s because he reminds me of a guy wearing a long, brown trench coat and tennis shoes. He tends to make alot of adults nervous and scares little kids. I know that I’ve been having nightmares since I started working on this. 

Here are a few darker moments from my dreams.

John McCain is almost qualified for a position as…

a replacement gargoyle

a living statue

the thing that goes bump in the night

See what I mean?

And this for putting those thoughts in my head…

Stunt double for Sly Stallone in Rocky 7, The Beat-Down

Backword

That’s all I’ve got.  How’s about a few suggestions from the peanut gall… I mean, all of you wonderful, and faithful readers out there?

Pleasant dreams.

Humor-Blogs.com is competing to be Stallone’s stunt double.