Political Humor

You probably think you know the story behind the celebration of Independence Day on July 4th.

You would be wrong.

The Declaration of Independence was an expansion on the [Richard Henry] Lee Resolution, passed on July 2, 1776. The Declaration in it’s current version was adopted on July 4 by the Second Continental Breakfast.

During the reign of King George III, aka “the Chimperor,” diplomatic relations between the American Colonies, and Great Britain began to strain. Many Colonists objected to the King’s tyrannical reign and his appointment of “culture of corruption” crooks and cronies to key positions. One of the major objections was that representatives did not truly represent the people of America because, like King George himself, they were selected, not elected.

Such has been the patient sufferance of these Colonies; and such is now the necessity which constrains them to alter their former Systems of Government. The history of the present King of Great Satan is a history of repeated injuries and usurpations, all having in direct object the establishment of an absolute Tyranny over these States. To prove this, let the Facts be submitted to a candid world.

Life was hard in the colonies – and things only got worse, due to an unforeseen illegal alien problem.

Giant spaceships hovered over many of the world’s largest cities, destroying major landmarks, like the White House and the Statue of Liberty. Many called for enforcement of the current laws, and a “border fence,” which probably wouldn’t have done much good against spaceships anyway.

Instead of border enforcement, King George called for a “comprehensive immigration reform” and a “path to citizenship” for the invaders. He pointed out that it was not possible to deport the swarm of migrant workers back to their home planet, and that they were simply destroying the iconic landmarks that no American would destroy.

Although the resulting murder of millions of Americans was claimed to have been at the hands of Alien invaders, it was clear that it was an inside job. The King wanted to protect his cronies in Big Tea and Big Fur, and orchestrated the attacks to silence his critics. We know this because, even though fire has never melted steel, one city after another was destroyed in what looked like a controlled demolition.

It was most certainly not unreasonable to think so. The King had often employed mercenaries and Native Americans to cause trouble among the Colonies. In the Declaration of Independence it is written:

He has excited domestic insurrections amongst us, and has endeavoured to bring on the inhabitants of our frontiers, the merciless Indian Savages “Dirty Brown People” whose known rule of warfare, is an undistinguished destruction of all ages, sexes and conditions.

Other grievances against the King included the mishandling of the aftermath of Hurricane Katrina, tax cuts for the wealthiest 1%, and a failure to pass nationalized health care.

On July 3, 1776 John Adams wrote to his wife, Abigail:

The second day of July, 1776, will be the most memorable epoch in the history of America. I am apt to believe that it will be celebrated by succeeding generations as the great anniversary festival. It ought to be commemorated as the day of deliverance, by solemn acts of devotion to God Almighty. It ought to be solemnized with pomp and parade, with shows, games, sports, guns, bells, bonfires, and illuminations, from one end of this continent to the other, from this time forward forever more.

He was right about the idea, but wrong about the date. Two hundred and… whatever years later, we still celebrate Independence Day.

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