Political Humor

State of the Union Speech

The following is a rambling, ‘stream of consciousness’ email sent from President Barack Hussein Obama to his speechwriters, as a starting point for the State of the Union speech. It gives a hint at the inner workings of the mind of our Commander and Chief.

Here are a few thoughts about what to include in the State Of the Union Speech.

President Of The United States = POTUS. State Of The Union = SOTU. I’m POTUS, I am in charge of the states, so really it’s about me, my state and what I am. So should be called the State Of Barack.

People like it when I use ‘I’,’ ‘me’ and the ‘royal we’ in my speeches. Gives impression I’m one of them. Which I’m not, but still… Use liberally.

State of the Union? Point: I’m not giving the speech in a state. It’s in D.C.. What the hell is a District anyway?

Question: What is the State of the Union?

Answer: Uncivil.

Solution: We need a Civil Union. I’m for Civil Unions. It isn’t called the State of the Marriage Speech for a reason. Can’t imagine Rhode Island being married to Arizona, for example.

Then again, James Carville is married to Mary Matalin. Must re-think gay marriage. Wouldn’t it be great if we had two gay generals married to each other? Just a thought, don’t use.

Put emphasis on the Most Vulnerable -Poor, Children and Elderly. Work in that Republicans don’t like them.

Economy: Don’t use Laser-like focus on jobs anymore; instead, Create Climate for Growth or some such. This type of Climate Change is good. The government has grown and is prospering. So expansion and prosperity are possible. I have set the standard. Now businesses need to globally warm to the New Normal.

We will not bailout states, but will instead invest in programs that give me the best chance of re-election (note- put in better terms). Like ensuring state government worker’s and teacher’s pensions are fully funded. Spin to say we are doing it for the children, etc.

Must fix gap between haves and have-nots. Cuba is good example. Better not use that either.

Will fight Bush Tax Cuts in 2012.

Justification: Higher taxes create jobs by providing more money for the government to invest in Job Growth Programs, which leads to more jobs, and more people having more money, so we can tax their higher incomes, and then we can justify raising taxes so we don’t have to pull the plug on granny. Republicans will kill elderly and children if we don’t invest or they mess with Obama Care.

Thought: The country is divided. No way to bring country together, so get rid of opposition. Problem solved. Make sure Tea Party, talk radio and Fox News are silenced.

Action: I will sign an Executive Order against Hate Speech -that, and looking for my Birth Certificate.

Work in Michelle’s Miracle Garden that grows under snow, and feeds hungry kids in Africa and Honduras.

Ensure there are plenty of applause lines. With Democrats and Republicans sitting together, I want them popping up all over the place, like Wack-A-Mole.

Oh, and since seating is different this time, get some dirty kids with head lice to sit next to Thomas and Scalia or Boehner and Cantor, but for sure Paul Ryan. If you can’t get the kids, find some bag ladies with scabies.

Biggest Point: MAKE ME LOOK GOOD! I do already, but you know what I mean. Remember there are a lot of turn-overs in my administration right now, and I hear Keith Olberman is looking for job.

Then again, Olberman might make a good Press Secretary replacement for Robert Gibbs.

Keith Olberman left MSNBC Friday and as a result the liberals had to be talked down off the proverbial ledge yesterday. Some of the posts from the Democratic Underground, that bastion of moonbat goodness (titles in bold):

“Going thru the range of emotions about Keith – now I am at anger. Last nite I was in shock. I felt like someone punched me in the gut, even shed tears over the news. But now I find myself angry…”

Two stages of grief down, three to go. Bargaining should be interesting.

“A sad day with what happened to Keith but again the right is currently winning the battles and the war with their total united front against a un-united left, liberals, progressives and dems.

Hey, I thought we weren’t supposed to use military and war rhetoric. That’s hate speech!

“The whole media complex is going to LIE to protect Comcast!”

“Comcast = SCUMcast!”

“Comcast: Today’s WORST “PERSON”…. IN THE WORLD!”

The theme in the last three post titles are the new Liberal conspiracy meme: Comcast fired Olberman because they are a conservative corporatist organization.

Posters at DU are actually worried that their beloved forum might be the next to go, a target of the government looking to shut down liberal dissent.

All because Keith Olberman wants more money. His agent, who has no skin in the current deal also wants his cut.

This is how out-of-touch these people are. Their hero has the economic freedom to walk on a contract in order to make more money, or perhaps start his own media entity thanks to our economic system, and they see it as some conspiracy to silence his opinion.

Come down from the ledge liberals, everything will be alright.

Time once again for my yearly predictions. Unlike in the past, where I was all over the place I put all my eggs in two baskets for 2011.

That’s right, just two prognostications. It is how I roll these days. That and I couldn’t come up with a third one.

MSNBC will ban FOX News

Thanks to the 2010 ratings, which revealed MSNBC had worse numbers than a Spike TV “Cops” Christmas Day marathon, the official spokes-network for the Obama administration will announce they are banning FOX News.

Unfortunately, Keith Olberman will be faced with a shortage of material for his show and will attempt to quit the network. There will be a huge write-in campaign by his medicated fans to keep him and as a result will be the only talking head on MSNBC allowed to even mention the words “FOX News“.

Palin Derangement Syndrome officially replaces Bush version

After a year where W rehabilitated his public image to the point most people no longer think he was a bad President it will be tough to pin the woes of our society on him in 2012.

The liberals’ Great White Hope is now Sarah Palin. Sure, the left has been in the throes of PDS for two years but always in the shadow of BDS. Now that the latter has been purged, the former will take over the host body of the liberals.

And since Palin is expected by many to run for President in 2012 we should see a massive outbreak of PDS the likes of which we have not seen since the Black Plague.

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Help Chris come up with a third prediction in the comments below…