Political Humor

Last night, at the University of Kentucky in Belmont, TN, Barack Obama and John McCain faced off in a town hall style Presidential debate. What you might not know is that as a Presidential candidate myself. I was there as well. Despite what Tom Brokaw said, these things are not spontaneous. They are scripted, rehearsed, and prerecorded.

The two other windbags wasted taxpayer time like they waste taxpayer money, and like in the real world, the regular guy got the shaft and ended up on the cutting room floor. Much like what happened in the Rick Warren Saddleback debacle.

Here are a few highlights from the debate.

McCain: I would order the secretary of the treasury to immediately buy up the bad home loan mortgages in America and renegotiate at the new value of those homes — at the diminished value of those homes and let people be able to make those — be able to make those payments and stay in their homes.

Fiar: Yay! Free houses for everyone! Isn’t Socialism great?

Obama: No, I am confident about the American economy. But we are going to have to have some leadership from Washington that not only sets out much better regulations for the financial system.

The problem is we still have a archaic, 20th-century regulatory system for 21st-century financial markets. We’re going to have to coordinate with other countries to make sure that whatever actions we take work.

But most importantly, we’re going to have to help ordinary families be able to stay in their homes, make sure that they can pay their bills,

Fiar: Make sure they can tie their shoes, get to bed on time. Where does personal responsibility come into the picture?

McCain: The point is — the point is that we can fix our economy. Americans’ workers are the best in the world. They’re the fundamental aspect of America’s economy.

They’re the most innovative. They’re the best — they’re most — have best — we’re the best exporters. We’re the best importers. They’re most effective. They are the best workers in the world.

Fiar: Did you switch bodies with Obama, Stuttering John?

Obama: Well, look, I understand your frustration and your cynicism, because while you’ve been carrying out your responsibilities — most of the people here, you’ve got a family budget. If less money is coming in, you end up making cuts. Maybe you don’t go out to dinner as much. Maybe you put off buying a new car.

That’s not what happens in Washington. And you’re right. There is a lot of blame to go around.

McCain: I have been a consistent reformer.

I have advocated and taken on the special interests, whether they be the big money people by reaching across the aisle and working with Sen. [Russ] Feingold [D-Wisconsin] on campaign finance reform, whether it being a variety of other issues, working with Sen. Lieberman on trying to address climate change.

I have a clear record of bipartisanship. The situation today cries out for bipartisanship. Sen. Obama has never taken on his leaders of his party on a single issue. And we need to reform.

Fiar: Yes, Senator McCain. We are all aware of your consistent record of voting in lockstep with the Democrat Party line, including your McCain-Feingold free speech infringement bill.

Brokaw: The three — health care, energy, and entitlement reform: Social Security and Medicare. In what order would you put them in terms of priorities?

McCain: I think you can work on all three at once, Tom. I think it’s very important that reform our entitlement programs.

My friends, we are not going to be able to provide the same benefit for present-day workers that we are going — that present-day retirees have today. We’re going to have to sit down across the table, Republican and Democrat, as we did in 1983 between Ronald Reagan and Tip O’Neill.

I know how to do that. I have a clear record of reaching across the aisle, whether it be Joe Lieberman or Russ Feingold or Ted Kennedy or others. That’s my clear record.

Fiar: Yes. You have already made it clear that you are zealously in line with the Democrats.

Obama: Sen. McCain likes to talk about earmarks a lot. And that’s important. I want to go line by line through every item in the federal budget and eliminate programs that don’t work and make sure that those that do work, work better and cheaper.

Fiar: Wait. Which one of you guys is the Democrat? Don’t tell me you’re both Democrats. Oh, and Obama. You might want to use the word “earmarks” little less often. It’s making the constituency giggle.

Brokaw: All right, gentlemen, I want to just remind you one more time about time. We’re going to have a larger deficit than the federal government does if we don’t get this under control here before too long.

Fiar: Don’t blame me Tom. My answers are short and to the point. I realize that just because I have two minutes, doesn’t mean that I have to use them. I don’t feel the need to run a deficit like my opponents.

McCain: I’m going to ask the American people to understand that there are some programs that we may have to eliminate.

I first proposed a long time ago that we would have to examine every agency and every bureaucracy of government. And we’re going to have to eliminate those that aren’t working.

Fiar: I agree. Let’s start by eliminating Congress.

Obama: I believe in the need for increased oil production. We’re going to have to explore new ways to get more oil, and that includes offshore drilling. It includes telling the oil companies, that currently have 68 million acres that they’re not using, that either you use them or you lose them.

We’re going to have to develop clean coal technology and safe ways to store nuclear energy.

Fiar: Okay. So you’re the Republican candidate, right?

McCain: And some of those programs may not grow as much as we would like for them to, but we can establish priorities with full transparency, with full knowledge of the American people, and full consultation, not done behind closed doors and shoving earmarks in the middle of the night into programs that we don’t even — sometimes we don’t even know about until months later.

Fiar: Don’t be stupid. Not a single one of you weasels works in the middle of the night.

Obama: Well, Tom, we’re going to have to take on entitlements and I think we’ve got to do it quickly. We’re going to have a lot of work to do, so I can’t guarantee that we’re going to do it in the next two years, but I’d like to do in the my first term as president.

McCain: Sure. Hey, I’ll answer the question. Look — look, it’s not that hard to fix Social Security, Tom. It’s just…

Obama: Well, I think it starts with Washington. We’ve got to show that we’ve got good habits, because if we’re running up trillion dollar debts that we’re passing on to the next generation, then a lot of people are going to think, “Well, you know what? There’s easy money out there.”

Fiar: Wait. You mean if we remove the ability to fail, then people might not have any consequences to their actions, and every time something goes wrong, they will look to Nanny Government for a handout? Interesting theory. It’s almost like I’ve said that before. How surreal.

McCain: Well, you know, nailing down Sen. Obama’s various tax proposals is like nailing Jell-O to the wall. There has been five or six of them and if you wait long enough, there will probably be another one.

But he wants to raise taxes. My friends, the last president to raise taxes during tough economic times was Herbert Hoover, and he practiced protectionism as well, which I’m sure we’ll get to at some point.

Fiar: Better watch it McCain. That sounded almost Conservative-y.

McCain: Sen. Obama has never taken on his party leaders on a single major issue. I’ve taken them on.

Fiar: You’ve never taken on his party leaders either.

McCain: I’m not too popular sometimes with my own party.

Fiar: Could that be because you always vote in lockstep with the Democrats? And what do you mean “sometimes?”

McCain: But when we can — when we have an issue that we may hand our children and our grandchildren a damaged planet, I have disagreed strongly with the Bush administration on this issue. I traveled all over the world looking at the effects of greenhouse gas emissions, Joe Lieberman and I.

Fiar: I agree. You are full of toxic gases. Stop damaging the planet!

Obama: But this is another example where I think it is important to look at the record. Sen. McCain and I actually agree on something. He said a while back that the big problem with energy is that for 30 years, politicians in Washington haven’t done anything.

Fiar: Which is why you make it a point to vote “present.”

Obama: What Sen. McCain doesn’t mention is he’s been there 26 of them. And during that time, he voted 23 times against alternative fuels, 23 times.

Fiar: And hardly a “present” vote amongst them.

Obama: I don’t understand how we ended up invading a country that had nothing to do with 9/11, while Osama Bin Laden and Al Qaeda are setting up base camps and safe havens to train terrorists to attack us.

… We’re spending $10 billion a month in Iraq at a time when the Iraqis have a $79 billion surplus, $79 billion.

Fiar: I agree. It’s time for the Iraqis to pay their way.

Obama: Well, we may not always have national security issues at stake, but we have moral issues at stake. If we could have intervened effectively in the Holocaust, who among us would say that we had a moral obligation not to go in?

If we could’ve stopped Rwanda, surely, if we had the ability, that would be something that we would have to strongly consider and act. So when genocide is happening, when ethnic cleansing is happening somewhere around the world and we stand idly by, that diminishes us.

Fiar: Didn’t you just say you didn’t understand why we stopped a genocide in Iraq? Or des it only count when France and Russia agree with us?

McCain: The United States of America, Tom, is the greatest force for good, as I said. And we must do whatever we can to prevent genocide, whatever we can to prevent these terrible calamities that we have said never again.

Fiar: So you are the Republican?

Obama: And if we have Osama bin Laden in our sights and the Pakistani government is unable or unwilling to take them out, then I think that we have to act and we will take them out. We will kill bin Laden; we will crush Al Qaeda. That has to be our biggest national security priority.

Fiar: I agree with your policy of invading Pakistan to kill terrorists. Do they have oil too?

McCain: When you announce that you’re going to launch an attack into another country, it’s pretty obvious that you have the effect that it had in Pakistan: It turns public opinion against us.

Fiar: Public opinion? So you’re the Democrat candidate then?

Obama: Look, I — I want to be very clear about what I said. Nobody called for the invasion of Pakistan. Sen. McCain continues to repeat this.

Fiar: I liked you better when you wanted to invade Pakistan.

Obama: Now, Sen. McCain suggests that somehow, you know, I’m green behind the ears and, you know, I’m just spouting off, and he’s somber and responsible.

Fiar: You really need to stop with the ears. I’m laughing so hard I can’t breathe.

Obama: Sen. McCain, this is the guy who sang, “Bomb, bomb, bomb Iran,” who called for the annihilation of North Korea. That I don’t think is an example of “speaking softly.”

Fiar: I believe that we can do two things at once. We can invade Pakistan, and bomb Iran.

McCain: Not true. Not true. I have, obviously, supported those efforts that the United States had to go in militarily and I have opposed that I didn’t think so. I understand what it’s like to send young American’s in harm’s way. I say — I was joking with a veteran — I hate to even go into this. I was joking with an old veteran friend, who joked with me, about Iran.

Fiar: I liked you better when you wanted to bomb Iran.

McCain: We’ve got to show moral support for Georgia. We’ve got to show moral support for Ukraine. We’ve got to advocate for their membership in NATO.

Obama: But we can’t just provide moral support. We’ve got to provide moral support to the Poles and Estonia and Latvia and all of the nations that were former Soviet satellites. But we’ve also got to provide them with financial and concrete assistance to help rebuild their economies. Georgia in particular is now on the brink of enormous economic challenges.

Fiar: Tom, can you give me a hand here? Which one of these guys is the Republican? Obama, right?

Brokaw: This requires only a yes or a no. Ronald Reagan famously said that the Soviet Union was the evil empire. Do you think that Russia under Vladimir Putin is an evil empire?

Obama: I think they’ve engaged in an evil behavior and I think that it is important that we understand they’re not the old Soviet Union but they still have nationalist impulses that I think are very dangerous.

McCain: Maybe.

Fiar: What the F… Maybe? Maybe? To quote Red Foreman, You dumbass! Of course they are evil. It might not be the Soviet Union of old… Yet. But that is a big “yet.” If we don’t stop them, they will relive their glory days and more.

McCain: Depends on how we respond to Russia and it depends on a lot of things.

Fiar: Heh. You said “depends.” It’s funny because you’re old. And apparently either senile or stupid.

McCain: And our challenge right now is the Iranians continue on the path to acquiring nuclear weapons, and it’s a great threat. It’s not just a threat — threat to the state of Israel. It’s a threat to the stability of the entire Middle East.

Obama: We cannot allow Iran to get a nuclear weapon. It would be a game-changer in the region.

Fiar: So we can all agree to bomb Iran then?

Brokaw: What don’t you know and how will you learn it?

Obama: My wife, Michelle, is there and she could give you a much longer list than I do. And most of the time, I learn it by asking her.

McCain: I think what I don’t know is what all of us don’t know, and that’s what’s going to happen both here at home and abroad.

Fiar: I don’t know the difference between which one of these guys is the Republican and which is the Democrat.

Thank you, Sen. McCain. Thank you, Sen. Obama. Thank you Fiar. Good night, everyone, from Nashville.

I’m Fiar and I approve this political satire.

Confused?

Don’t know who to vote for this year? Feeling like everyone in politics is lying to you? I can understand that. They are! The two major parties have blurred the lines so much that it’s all but impossible to tell the difference between a Democrat and a Republican. There’s not enough space between them to slide in an anthrax-laced letter.

I believe it was Ronald Reagan who said something to the effect that when electing a new President, if you’re going to switch horses in mid-stream, pick one that’s going the same direction.

Even after all these years, I still don’t know what choosing a candidate has to do with urinating while riding a horse. But maybe it’s that both Presidential choices are piss-poor and are directing that stream in our direction. They’re peeing on our heads and telling us it’s global warming. It’s so much worse than being front row center at a Gallagher show and not because of the Sledge-O-Matic.

The Few, The Proud, The Ill Informed:

If you’re close-minded, intolerant and filled with hate and rage, then you’re probably either an illiterate, slobbering, inbred, redneck, conservative, hillbilly or dirty, liberal, pot-smoking, hippie, vegan, tree huger who isn’t going to or is incapable of, voting anyway.

This isn’t for you. Go away. But for the minority of you who do elect our leaders, I hope this concise, categorical and fact filled report will fill in those gaps in your political knowledge and help you to decide where to waste your vote this November.

Note: I gathered this information from very reliable sources…blogs. So you know it’s accurate. Let’s get started.

The Economy:

We can’t spend our way out of debt the Republicans say, but we’re going to try it anyway and we’re going to do it by bailing out Wall Street business tycoons without raising taxes on our friends in Big Oil. This means that the poor and middle classes are going to have to buck up and take it. This will also lead to the financial support of the wealthy by giving them larger tax breaks so they can afford to fill-up their Hummers, jets and yachts.

John McCain (owner of thirteen or thirty cars and a dozen or so houses, he thinks) is quietly pushing for a private supply of ethanol free gas for his Mexican (Americans in Waiting) gardeners. Many states mandate some blend already and the rest are sure to follow soon. In case you weren’t aware, that ethanol crap clogs up small engines like those in lawn mowers, weed eaters, and leaf blowers, rendering them useless.

McCain was overheard to say at a bugged, clandestine, Masonic fundraiser that, “if there’s no good gas for these noble people to use, to do the jobs Americans won’t do, then the Gooks will take their places with machetes and swing blades, and I can’t have that.”

On the other hand the Democrats insist we can spend our way out of debt and taxing the rich to give to the poor is the way to do it. They want to give the poor free cable so they can get a high definition picture on their plasma TVs while watching CNN and Oprah. Besides, Republicans have ruined the economy, so it deserves to fall apart just to spite them.

Obama (who is qualified to be President because he can multi-task by walking and chewing gum at the same time) understands that the economy and energy are closely linked. He believes that gas, like money, grows on trees and that we can cut down corn trees but not trees the generate electricity like those in wind farms. “Our energy future is in the wind,” Obama recently stated, “We need an economy that blows.” This may soon be appearing as a campaign slogan.

“Our energy future is in the wind.  We need an economy that blows.” Barack Obama on wind energy

Each party wants to blame the other one for mismanaging the economy instead of blaming the real culprits, the Canadians. Yeah, you think they sit up there all innocent, wearing plaid, eating fat-back bacon and playing hockey, don’t you? When in fact, these scheming, conniving, French speaking, bastards have infiltrated our government to its highest levels.

Did you really believe that Harry Reid was a liberal Mormon from Nevada? That’s got to be one of the lamest covers ever. Even his name mocks us. And don’t think you’ve escaped my notice there Mr. Plaid, Don I’m running for President too Lewis. You’re way too close to the northern border.

Faith and The Separation of Church and State (when necessary)

Republicans cling to their Bibles while Democrats search them for talking points. When it’s politically expedient, they’ll both use faith to try avoiding or clouding the issues. According to one genius, Jesus, like Obama, was a community organizer while Pontius Pilate was a governor like Palin.

From what I remember of that story, Pilate asked the angry mob who they wanted to crucify. The angry mob chose Jesus. Now that’s democracy in action. Fortunately, our Founding Fathers set up a Republic.

But speaking of Republican hottie Sarah Palin, watch out for her, she can see into the future. When serving as Mayor, this former Miss Wasilla had books banned as much as several years before they where even written. Now that’s impressive and very scary.

If only the original framers of the Constitution had had that power. I suspect they would have written the 1st and 2nd Amendments with less space between the lines. It would have been a little harder to read but…

Next week, if Conservative Humor by Radioactive Liberty isn’t shut down first for being a subversive, anti-government, terrorist cult, I’ll bring you part two, which will cover: War and Military Might, Guns, The Environment, and Babies.

Quick, while you still can, visit Les James’ blog, Satire, Parody, Military and Political Humor at Sideshow Mirrors

Pastor Rick Warren interviewed Presidential candidates Barack Obama and John McCain at the Saddleback Church Saturday night as part of the two hour forum on faith. Due to time constraints, or possibly an oversight, my interview was not broadcast.

Certainly this is unfair to the potential voters of my own run for the Presidency.

Rick Warren asked President Obama the questions and it sounded something like: Blah, blah, blah. The answer to that question is above my pay grade. Blah, blah. Can someone please help me get this bucket off of my head.

McCain’s responses to the questions were something like: Long ago and far away in a place called VietNam, I was a prisoner, so if you don’t stop asking me these stupid questions, I’m going to rip off your head and sh*t down your neck.

In order to allow my political humor followers and Humor-Blogs.com readers to better understand my position on the issues, I have responded to each of the questions posed by Rick Warren to Senators Obama and McCain. Moderator Rick Warren was nearly as painfully long-winded in asking his questions as Obama and McCain were in answering them, so in the interest of brevity, most questions have been summarized.

Leadership – Who are the three wisest people you know that you would rely on in an administration?

Ghengis Khan, Atilla the Hun, and Lucifer.

Character – What’s been your greatest moral failure and what is the greatest moral failure of America?

In both cases I would have to say it’s the fact that we still have not waged a proper war for oil.

Bipartisianship – Can you give me an example of where you went against the interests of your party’s interests and even your own self interests for the good of America?

One time I was at a party and I punched the host when I found out his wife was a dirty hippie. I got kicked out of the party, but it was my patriotic duty to do so, and I stand by it to this day.

Flip Flopping – What’s the most significant position that you held 10 years ago that you don’t hold today?

I used to believe that no one was perfect, and that sometimes even great people make mistakes, but now I understand that I am always right. There’s an exception to every rule, and I am that exception.

Leadership – What was the most gut wrenching decision you ever had to make and what was the process by which you made it?

Well, one time I was all set to beat the stupid out of a dirty hippie, but as I approached, the smell was ungodly. I decided to move on and just let the hippie be. It was a very tough decision to make, as it goes against every one of my own core principles of beating hippies, but the smell was just gut wrenching.

What does faith mean to you and how does it apply to your life?

Faith is a belief in something that there is not even one shred of evidence to support that belief, like man made global warming, or that Russia will adhere to the cease fire agreement. Faith is for the weak minded. I believe in results, so I would have to say that faith does not poison my life.

Abortion – At what point is a baby entitled to human rights?

There’s way too much of an entitlement mentality pervading this country, and it starts with things like this. First we’re giving babies human rights, next thing you know, were giving free health care from the cradle to the grave. We need to end this entitlement mentality.

Babies get human rights when they grow up to be adults. I know it’s an unpopular position, but they’re just too delicious. Regarding abortion, Liberals are significantly more likely to have an abortion than Conservatives are. Also, children are much more likely to grow up to be like their parents than to hold views opposed to those of their parents, which is why I fully support the right of Liberals to systematically eradicate themselves from the gene pool.

Define marriage.

Marriage is the state, condition, or relationship of being married; wedlock. That’s the problem with definitions. They’re really just verbal circle jerks that aren’t really helpful.

Stem Cells – With the success of some research using adult stem cells, should we continue to fund research that uses embryonic stem cells.

No. We should only use the stem cells of dirty hippies. In my administration I will propose that we beat the stem cells out of every last dirty hippie in America and find cures to debilitating diseases like Parkinson’s and Liberalism.

Does evil exist, and if it does, do we ignore it, negotiate with it, contain it, or defeat it?

Yes, evil does exist in the world. To answer the second part, when you see evil in the world, I suggest taking notes. You don’t want to be accused of being a poor imitation of one of your mentors, but it’s always good to learn a few new tricks.

Which existing Supreme Court Justice would you not have nominated?

I would not have nominated any of them. In fact, I plan to do away with the judicial branch entirely. There’s something about that whole separation of powers thing that just doesn’t sit well with my plans to take over the Universe.

Faith based organizations – Should faith based organizations be forced to hire non-believers in order to receive Federal Funding?

I don’t think they should be getting Federal funding. Let them raise their own money, and hire whomever the Hell they want. Everyone wants a piece of the government pie, and that’s part of the problem.

Education – Do you think better teachers should be paid better?

Yes. The fact that such a stupid question could even be asked is a sign of how abysmal the public school system is. Rewarding achievement shouldn’t be a difficult concept to grasp.

Taxes – This is a real simple question. Define rich. Give me a number.

I object to the premise of the question. The entire question is based on the idea that a person is entitled to a “fair share” and anything beyond that arbitrary quantity is unnecessary. Wealthy, successful people are wealthy and successful because of the risk, effort, ingenuity, and perseverance they put forth. Their wealth is the fruits of that labor, and is also the motivation for achieving it.

I’m not saying that poor people don’t work hard, or even struggle to make ends meet, but they do not contribute as much to the overall pie of society as the wealthy do. That is why I believe we should tax the poor. I propose a flat tax of $20,000 per year. The poor will be punished for their lack of ingenuity, and the rich will pay off the tax and be free and clear to get as rich as they like. People in all levels of society will have the drive to reach greater heights and all of society will benefit.

Is there anything worth dying for? What is worth sacrificing American lives?

That depends. As long as I’m not the one doing the dying, I’m pretty much open to suggestions.

Orphans – Would you support an emergency plan to deal with the 148 million orphans worldwide.

Definitely. Orphans tend to be tough and stringy, but we could still wipe out world hunger with my plan.

What would you do to end religious persecution?

There’s really nothing you can do to stop stupid people from thinking that people with the “wrong” mythological belief should die for believing in the “wrong” god, so I think we should just nuke the biggest problem areas to minimize the persecution.

The third largest and fastest growing industry is human trafficking. What would you do to deal with the human trafficking problem?

Well, this is a tough one. We need better infrastructure and I am committed to provided the necessary funding for wider highways, and more modern roadways. I am also in favor of raising the speed limit. This will make traffic flow much faster.

Tell me in a minute why you want to be President.

I have as much Presidential experience as my opponents, and history shows that experience at being President isn’t actually a benefit anyway. I want to be President because power corrupts, and absolute power corrupts absolutely. I will work hard to make my power absolute.

What do you say to people that oppose me asking you these questions?

Stop being such a pussy.

What would you tell the American people if you knew there wouldn’t be any repercussions?

I’m not going to be a very good President, but you should vote for me as the lesser of 3 evils. The fact still remains, I’m better than your other options, because they really suck.

Do you have any other questions you would like me to answer?

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