Political Humor

It’s been well documented that I don’t watch the news… And why. The News is always bad. The news doesn’t tell you how to wake up and think “Awesome! I am so grateful for having the capacity to go to work and contribute to society.”

You don’t learn how to get there and make your coworkers happier and more productive by your mere presence from watching the news. Watching the news doesn’t explain to you how to get home from work and look at your wife and think, “Every day I am so much more in love with you.”

No. Instead the News treats us to more dead people, Indonesian Earthquakes, Phillipine typhoons, and the corrupt dealings of the Organized crime syndicate that we vote into office. You know, politicians. Then we get to have dead Phillipino Typhoon babies flying across the room when we’re trying to… You know. And that just really kills the mood. For me anyway. Your results may vary.

You disgust me.

I usually read enough political humor blogs to know enough about current events to ridicule our politicians, though. Lately I’ve been putting in a lot of extra hours at work. You see, my company is stupid. They don’t realize that it’s a good idea to have more people than you actually need to have because you never know what is going to happen and you might actually need those extra people.

You see this with football teams, for example. They have people that they pay to sit on the bench and wait around, just in case they are ever needed. My company looked around and said, “Check this out. We only need eleven people at a time,” and laid off the rest. What could possibly go wrong?

Then there was one worker, who always seemed to think that the way to do his job was to not do his job and, instead, spend his time pointing out how other people aren’t doing their job to his satisfaction.

As an added bonus, he felt that he was being singled out as a poor worker – Think about it. He had well documented evidence of what EVERYONE ELSE did wrong, because that’s what he spent all his time doing. Why should he get picked on? He could tell you 100 reasons why everyone else sucked at their job. He got mad and made up a lie about my boss stealing from the company and paying the rest of us off to keep quiet about it.

Now why do I keep thinking of the Obama Administration as I tell this story?

So, He’s gone and now we’re shorthanded.

My current understanding of current events right now is as follows:

1. The Philadelphia Phillies are Division champions for the third straight year. And I don’t even like Basebore.
2. The Mayor of Sheboygan, WI says his sister in law gives good hummers.

Now is it too much to ask to get a little more info on my own site? Come on guys! I don’t pay you the big buck to keep me in the dark here. Okay, so I don’t pay you at all, but just how many times am I going to have to refresh the page to learn something new about current events already?

At this rate I’m going to have to expand out and read a political humor blog owned by someone who isn’t me.

The Obama Administration started the Cars.gov Cash for Clunkers Program to stimulate auto sales, and also to take older, less fuel efficient cars off the road. The program is designed to allow auto dealers to scrap the buyer’s trade in and receive an additional $3500 or $4500 depending on what’s being traded in and what’s being bought.

Image Credit: Unloved Car

The problem is that the government isn’t actually paying the dealers for the trade ins. That’s government at it’s finest for you. Of course, the Obama Administration is spinning this as a success, because so many people are buying new cars under the program that government workers can’t keep up with the paperwork. Obviously, whenever a government handout is so popular that the government can’t meet the demands of it’s citizens, that’s a major success. Social Security anyone?

I don’t know. ObamaCare is just sounding better and better isn’t it?

“I’m sorry. We really want to treat you for your tragic illness, but the program is such a raging success that government employees are having a hard time filing all the necessary paperwork. Hello. Hello? Damnit! Another one died while awaiting treatment. Now I have to file the paperwork for that too.”

Back on the topic of Cash for Clunkers, what I think the Obama Administration really needs are some good excuses to keep Auto Dealers off their back until they can make good on the vouchers. With that, here are the

Top 10 Reasons the Cash for Clunkers Program Isn’t Paying Dealers

10. Michelle clogged the toilet and you wouldn’t believe how much it costs to get a plumber in the White House at 3am on a Sunday.

9. We had to pay off Tim Geithner’s tax debts.

8. Do you know how much it costs to cover up our effort to take ownership of everyone’s computers?

7. Hillary Clinton wanted to finalize the sex change operation.

6. Barney Frank got a great real estate deal on Beachfront property in Arizona.

5. This is just fantasy, like a movie!

4. Oh yeah, well where’s MY bailout money?

3. You’ll get your money right after Malia and Sash get their unicorns.

2. The Check is in the mail.

1. Payday isn’t until April 15th, but we’ll totally pay you right away just as soon as we get paid.

You can either leave your own favorite lame excuses in the comments section or retweet this on Twitter.