Political Humor

Hey someone turn up the thermostat! It’s only 80 in here. How the hell am I supposed to run this country like a Central American dictatorship if it doesn’t feel like Central America?

Miffer Preffadent?

What do you want, Rahm?

Firr, iffs abouff the econfffamy

What? Hell man, get your face out of the carpet! Damn, I love seeing my subjects prostrate on the floor in front of me, but I can’t understand a word you’re saying. Now, get up on your knees and try that again.

Mr. President, the economy is in the toilet.

You think I don’t know that? The Democratic party worked for years getting it to this point so I, Obama, Bringer of Hope and Change, could fix it.

But I thought the Republicans and George Bush were the cause, Mr. President.

You’re not the brightest compact florescent bulb in the ceiling, are you? Besides, what have I told you people about thinking? I told you to forget about it, I’m the only one who needs to do any thinking around here. But I’m feeling generous today. Do you care to guess where the idea came from to spend so much money?

Ah, the people?

Wrong, dipwad. The people are morons! Didn’t you hear all of that crap I fed them during the election? They actually believed me. The people are stupid sheep and I am Barack the Shepard, leader of the dump flocks! Only I can fix this mess! I gave Bush the ideas. It was mind control! Did you really believe he was that slow and poor of a speaker? He was waiting for me, Obama, the Puppet Master to tell him what to say.

Sir, so you do, ah… have a… solution?

Silly little man. Of course I do. I’m Barack Obama, the Magnificent. I’ve been pulling the strings of this government since I was a little boy in that madras in Indonesia.

Yes, sir. I didn’t…

Of course you didn’t. That’s why I hired you, and you never will.

But…

I hired you to make me look even more brilliant. Why do you think I keep bringing on people like Geithner, Emanuel, or Panetta . That was a good one…Panetta for the CIA. Anyway, you get the idea, don’t you?

Err, sir, I’m Emanuel…

Whatever. Don’t bother me with facts. It’s obvious you really don’t get it, do you. They’re all pawns, stooges. Dis-pos-a-ble. Do I have to spell it out for you? I’m not Dan Quayle you know. I can spell. I’m Barack, the Clean and Articulate! I  showered not two hours ago. And look at my hair. Perfect. Admittedly, not Ron Blagojevich perfect. That man has some nice hair. But still, in a -not a nappy ho kind of way- perfect.

Ah…

Then there’s Hillary. I can’t wait to embarrass the pantsuits off her every time she turns around. Or maybe not.  Just the thought of that makes my stomach turn.  Oh, look who finally decided to show-up. Tim, I’m sooo glad you could make it.

I’m very sorry…

You certainly are.  Now, are you wearing your swimsuit like I told you?

Yes, Mr. President, but I…

Shut up, Geithner. Listen, that insignificant person over there -the one on his knees- well, he’s  stated the obvious. He said the economy’s in the toilet. Now, I need you to strip down to your trunks and dive in.

Sir, I’m not wearing trunks, I’m wearing a speedo.

What the…? I haven’t gotten that image of Hillary out of my mind, now you go and tell me that!  Where’s the red, white and blue swim trunks I’d sent to you.

Well sir, the trunks didn’t show off my firm…

I think I’m going to be sick. Some one bring me a bucket!

But sir, the speedo is very form fitting, and I’ve been told by both Barney Frank and Larry Craig that…

Enough already!  I, Barack the All Powerful have spoken! You will wear the trunks I had made out of the Betsy Ross flag, and you will dive, head first, into the economy!

Sir! No one can survive that. I’ll drown!

And you’ll be given a patriot’s funeral. I give you my word. For I, Obama, the Chosen One, has promised, and you can take that to the bank. Any of them, because soon enough, I’ll control them all!

Away with you, and on your way out, tell my secretary to get me the Bill of Rights. That colon cleanser has kicked in.

You can find more of Les James’  caustic humor and rapier wit at Sideshow Mirrors