Political Humor

Good evening, America. I am Janet Napolitano, and I am speaking to you in an effort to quell your fears about the recent epidemic of swine flu. Do not be afraid because your messiahPresident, and his apostles cabinet are coming up with innovative new solutions to combat this microbial menace.

Make no mistake, this is the worst public health disaster since the Black Death of the 1300′s. As such, we must act now. There is no time to waste. Currently, members of the House and Senate are working on bipartisan bills that look like Tolstoy novels. We know from past experience that legislation with more pages than the average trailer park resident can count make you sheep people feel like we are trying to help you. I mean, not that we aren’t. Trying to help you I mean. Well, as opposed to doing things solely to solidify the Democrats grip on…but I digress. Where was I?

Anyway, President Obama wants to make sure you people understand that now is not the time to get all xenophobic. Yes, we understand that the problem likely originated in Mexico, and spread here through our porous southern border. We also understand that it seems like common sense to start shoring up our borders and immigration policies. We will, however, not do any of those things that sound like good ideas.

What we are going to do is vote on this mammoth “Health Stimulus Bill” tomorrow even though it has 23,000 pages and would be humanly impossible to read in such a short amount of time. This bill is going to spend 14 trillion dollars on things such as AIDS research in Africa, creating solar power-plants, mag-lev trains, funding HAMAS education programs in Gaza, and lining the pockets of ACORN.

Remember, now is not the time to panic. The swine flu is only here to infect the people that American flu strains are too lazy to infect. Don’t go clinging to guns and bibles. You won’t be able to bring those to the camp…oops.

If you would like to read more of Janet Napolitano…oops…I mean JumpOut, you can find him writing law enforcement humor at You Should Be Tasered

The Obama Administration has suggested a bold plan to save the planet from global warming. There are many that seem to think that filling the air with pollution in order to reverse global warming could have adverse unintended consequences. We heard a lot about unintended consequences with respect to Bush and the invasion of Iraq, such as Saddam’s head coming clean off at his hanging, finding out that Russia isn’t our Best Friend Forever now that the Cold War is over, and learning – In a shocking turn of events – That the French are insufferable wimps, and don’t like us. For the life of me, I can’t remember what adverse unintended consequences there were supposed to be.

As much as I – as a member of the right wing attack machine – would like to criticize the Obama Plan to save the Earth by polluting it, I can’t. I mean, He wants to pollute the Earth and make it inhospitable to all life. That’s like the holy grail of being an evil conservative, but the plan is merely a good start. It simply doesn’t go far enough. We have to do more to realize our Utopian dream of returning the Earth to it’s pristine state of the Ice Age.

Remember when your father would complain that you needed to close the door because you were air conditioning the outdoors. He never realized how brilliant he really was. Perhaps he was just a stodgy old man that couldn’t understand kids these days and their newfangled denim jeans. Air conditioning the outdoors should be part of the solution to our impending agreeable climate problem. Turn down the thermostat so that your house resembles a walk in freezer. Do it for the Earth. Do it for the Children.

The Earth has a fever, and in order to treat it’s fever, we should buy up all the Tylenol and Ibuprofen we can and dump it in the nearest body of water. This should be effective as a fever reducer. Now, some of you may be unwilling to part with your money to buy up all these drugs, but turning the planet into an icebox will require sacrifice. If you are not willing to go the extra mile to save the earth from it’s human pestilence, I say to you, “You monster! Why won’t you do your part to cleanse the Earth of future generations of Earth killing humans.

Transformed from original image: Ice Hole Swimming by Lauri Väin

I know when I have a fever, it makes me feel better to have some ice cream, or Popsicles. We could also buy up all the ice cream and Popsicles we can and dump them in the nearest body of water. If that doesn’t work, then you should say, No! Bad! Bad Earth!” and swat it in the nose with a newspaper. If you don’t know where the Earth’s nose is, the nearest dirty hippie should suffice.

Unfortunately, our mere existence is a plague upon our home planet. We are a cancer, and as such, we should treat the Earth as if it has cancer. The main idea here is to poison the host body so thoroughly that it is cleansed of the disease, but not quite enough to kill the host body. That is why shooting pollution into the atmosphere is a great idea.

Back in the 70s when we were afraid of the global coldening that was occurring, we had the idea to cover the ice caps in soot to absorb more of the Sun’s heat. This caused the Earth to voluntarily change course and begin warming up, because it did not want emphysema. We could apply the very same sort of scare tactics today. Tell the Earth to shape up, or ship out. It’s what I like to call tough love. That’s a term I invented to convey the message that sometimes you have to be tough towards that which you love. I also invented the Internet.

However, the Earth seems to have suffered a fit of teenage independence and rebellion, and has returned to coldening over the last decade. The upside of this is that coldening is now a Good Thing™ by all objective measures. Assuming that by “all” you mean “hysterical kooks” and by “objective” you mean “mental hospital patient.”

This simply will not do. The ice caps are receding in the summer, and the cute, fuzzy, little harmless polar bears are going to go extinct if we don’t do something drastic and immediate. To this end, I have a suggestion. We could wire up the ice caps the same way they do with an ice skating rink. It works for Madison Square Garden, it can work for the Arctic.

If none of these measures work, we should wrap the ice caps in aluminum foil to deflect the heat of the Sun’s rays. Aluminum deflects heat. You can stick a baked potato in a fire and it cooks it instead of burning it as fuel for the fire. As an added bonus, it will go well with the tin foil hats now in fashion.

Finally, I propose that since the ice caps are made up of ice, we could ship ice to the arctic on a high speed, nationwide monorail.

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What other solutions do you have to offer?

Dear World:

I’m Sorry. I’m sorry you had to view the uncomfortable display of our President on his apology tour of the world. I know it was a hard thing to witness. I have to think it was like watching the Bridges of Madison County. You have America (fuck yeah!) who, like Clint Eastwood, has spent most of its career developing an image of kickassery and awesomeness. Then you have Barack Obama acting like Clint Eastwood in Bridges of Madison County. All of our fans around the world must have been like, “WTF?”

Maybe it was less like Bridges of Madison County, and more like Hugh Jackman hosting the Oscars. Hugh Jackman played Wolverfreakingrine. America is very much like Wolverine. We have kickass retractable claws, and we are unbreakable. Barack Obama is alot like Hugh Jackman at the Oscars. I mean Barack might as well have said, “America is super, thanks for asking.”

Reagrdless of the comparison, it must have been pretty uncomfortable to watch President Obama shed his, and his country’s manhood on a worldwide stage. He’s all like “I’m sorry my country acted like a dick”. Where the hell is Marlon Brando when you need him? Oh, yeah, he’s dead.

Did John Wayne apologize to Robert Duvall after he shot his ass? Hell no! Did Admiral Nimitz Apologize to Tojo after smashing his fleet in the Pacific? Hell no! Where the hell does our wiener in Chief get off breaking tradition and apologizing to a bunch of people whose asses we either have kicked already, or might possibly kick in the future?

I feel sorry for you, world. It looks like this huggy-feelgood, hopeychange will be going on for a while. I hope you foreign folks can keep your tea and crumpets down while President Obama is blowing rainbows up your knickers.

You can rest assured, though, that there are still good, old fashioned, patriotic Americans here that won’t apologize for our greatgrand fathers stomping mudholes in your asses. Nor will we apologize for our grandfathers walking the aforementioned mudholes dry. You can rest assured that even though our President is out prostrating himself before fancy princes in frilly hats, America is still the beacon for kickassery and awesomeness to the world. So, world, I give you a hearty fuck you, and I look forward to kicking your ass in the future.

If you are a foreigner that needs his ass kicked, you can find JumpOut at his law enforcement humor blog, You Should Be Tasered.