Political Humor

I’m all for anything that means less work for me, so with that, I present to you this political humor guest post by Clyde James Aragon.

Barack Obama’s head first slide into reforming the nation’s medical industry comes with his determination to cut healthcare costs. Thus, tucked away in the 1,018 pages of H.R. 3200 – America’s Affordable Health Choices Act of 2009 – are Obama-conceived options for substituting inexpensive alternatives for costly medical procedures:

PROCEDURE OBAMA SUBSTITUTE

cataract surgery — seeing eye pound puppy
coronary angioplasty — can of compressed air
physical exam with X-ray — a walk through airport security
tubal ligation — chastity belt
brain surgery — aspirin
jaw surgery — Jack LaLanne Power Juicer
hip or knee replacement — crutches
heart transplant — rosary

Finally, a vast amount of money will be saved by replacing autopsies with obituaries.

In a nod to conservatives and the religious, he has dubbed all this his Single Prayer plan.

Because Conservatives Want The Dirt Too

Welcome to the first post from our new section, the Radioactive Liberty Inquirer.  It’s Yellow Journalism at it’s finest.  Ask yourself… why should all of the major networks and check-out line scandal sheets get all the good stories?  This is a question that’s been going around the RL boardroom for some months now. The conclusion we came to?  They shouldn’t. It seems kind of greedy of them. Down right unfair. We feel entitled to our share, plus some from the rich news outlets too (just because they’re rich), and we shouldn’t have to work for it either. This is Obama’s America after all.

Our philosophy at this last bastion of honesty is simple, you deserve to get your sensationalized, hard-hitting, behind the scenes, down in the trenches, scandal ridden, half truths and hearsay, from a news organization you can trust. And you can trust us, or my name isn’t Les James.

Why look to RLI for your political information needs? Because unlike others I won’t name…yet, we’re forthcoming about our content being humor, satire, sarcasm, parody, opinion, and flat out lies. That, and we do it all for the children. Besides, who has time to go looking for all the juicy news items, when all you have to do is subscribe to our RSS feed?  And it’ll come right to your computer. Now that’s convenient.

In the most important way, the RL Inquirer is exactly like the MSM, or “Statist Media”. Why, just like our competitors at NBC, CBS, ABC, MSNBC, CNN, NPR, Air America, The Huffington Post, The Daily KOS, tons of other left-wing loon blogs, almost any newspaper and many print magazines, ect, ect, ect, our team of crack reporters stays awake at night, thinking this crap up. That’s what you’ve come to expect from us, that’s what you’ll continue to get. Slanted news and biased views, just like the other guys.  It’s the truth you’d write… if you had a better imagination.

While you may not notice any significant outward change in our format with this new feature, you can be sure that when it comes to Yellow, the RL Inquirer is always prepared to rain on any political parade.

It could be true.

The Obama Administration has suggested a bold plan to save the planet from global warming. There are many that seem to think that filling the air with pollution in order to reverse global warming could have adverse unintended consequences. We heard a lot about unintended consequences with respect to Bush and the invasion of Iraq, such as Saddam’s head coming clean off at his hanging, finding out that Russia isn’t our Best Friend Forever now that the Cold War is over, and learning – In a shocking turn of events – That the French are insufferable wimps, and don’t like us. For the life of me, I can’t remember what adverse unintended consequences there were supposed to be.

As much as I – as a member of the right wing attack machine – would like to criticize the Obama Plan to save the Earth by polluting it, I can’t. I mean, He wants to pollute the Earth and make it inhospitable to all life. That’s like the holy grail of being an evil conservative, but the plan is merely a good start. It simply doesn’t go far enough. We have to do more to realize our Utopian dream of returning the Earth to it’s pristine state of the Ice Age.

Remember when your father would complain that you needed to close the door because you were air conditioning the outdoors. He never realized how brilliant he really was. Perhaps he was just a stodgy old man that couldn’t understand kids these days and their newfangled denim jeans. Air conditioning the outdoors should be part of the solution to our impending agreeable climate problem. Turn down the thermostat so that your house resembles a walk in freezer. Do it for the Earth. Do it for the Children.

The Earth has a fever, and in order to treat it’s fever, we should buy up all the Tylenol and Ibuprofen we can and dump it in the nearest body of water. This should be effective as a fever reducer. Now, some of you may be unwilling to part with your money to buy up all these drugs, but turning the planet into an icebox will require sacrifice. If you are not willing to go the extra mile to save the earth from it’s human pestilence, I say to you, “You monster! Why won’t you do your part to cleanse the Earth of future generations of Earth killing humans.

Transformed from original image: Ice Hole Swimming by Lauri Väin

I know when I have a fever, it makes me feel better to have some ice cream, or Popsicles. We could also buy up all the ice cream and Popsicles we can and dump them in the nearest body of water. If that doesn’t work, then you should say, No! Bad! Bad Earth!” and swat it in the nose with a newspaper. If you don’t know where the Earth’s nose is, the nearest dirty hippie should suffice.

Unfortunately, our mere existence is a plague upon our home planet. We are a cancer, and as such, we should treat the Earth as if it has cancer. The main idea here is to poison the host body so thoroughly that it is cleansed of the disease, but not quite enough to kill the host body. That is why shooting pollution into the atmosphere is a great idea.

Back in the 70s when we were afraid of the global coldening that was occurring, we had the idea to cover the ice caps in soot to absorb more of the Sun’s heat. This caused the Earth to voluntarily change course and begin warming up, because it did not want emphysema. We could apply the very same sort of scare tactics today. Tell the Earth to shape up, or ship out. It’s what I like to call tough love. That’s a term I invented to convey the message that sometimes you have to be tough towards that which you love. I also invented the Internet.

However, the Earth seems to have suffered a fit of teenage independence and rebellion, and has returned to coldening over the last decade. The upside of this is that coldening is now a Good Thing™ by all objective measures. Assuming that by “all” you mean “hysterical kooks” and by “objective” you mean “mental hospital patient.”

This simply will not do. The ice caps are receding in the summer, and the cute, fuzzy, little harmless polar bears are going to go extinct if we don’t do something drastic and immediate. To this end, I have a suggestion. We could wire up the ice caps the same way they do with an ice skating rink. It works for Madison Square Garden, it can work for the Arctic.

If none of these measures work, we should wrap the ice caps in aluminum foil to deflect the heat of the Sun’s rays. Aluminum deflects heat. You can stick a baked potato in a fire and it cooks it instead of burning it as fuel for the fire. As an added bonus, it will go well with the tin foil hats now in fashion.

Finally, I propose that since the ice caps are made up of ice, we could ship ice to the arctic on a high speed, nationwide monorail.

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What other solutions do you have to offer?