Political Humor

The 2008 election is less than a week away. On Wednesday October 29 I aired a heart wrenching infomercial that demonstrates just how horrible this disgusting country I plan to lead is. I trotted out one person after another whose life is a neverending story of tragedy and hardship. Over and over again, I made the point that the United States of America is a rotten, awful nation. The only way this can ever change is to put me at the helm and turn this disaster of a nation around before it becomes a footnote in the history books.

Still, there are many who remain confused about my agenda of hope and change, so I have compiled a series of frequently asked questions to ensure that you hayseed rednecks and idiots far less enlightened than myself can finally see the light, provided that you are not simply too stupid or racist.

Do you really think that childbirth is a punishment?

Yes. Yes I do. This obviously is a reference to my response that I don’t think that someone who makes a mistake should be punished with a baby. Now, as a father I want to clarify that children are a terrible scourge on mankind. Just as my father hated his children, so do I hate my children. In fact, not a day goes by that I don’t let my children know just what a horrible burden they are to me.

Where do you draw the line on abortion?

Haha. I was asked that by Rick Warren. Unfortunately, it’s a little above my pay grade. I would like to say that I support a woman’s right to choose, but I also agree that not enough women choose correctly. That’s why under my administration, women exercising their right to choose will be mandatory. What good is a choice if you make the wrong one?

Also, abortion should be legal regardless of age. I mentioned that I am a father, but I am punished with children and I can do nothing about it. I made a mistake, and now there is no way for me to redress my mistake. I will seek to do all I can to remedy this issue, by allowing women to exercise their right to choose with any child under the age of majority.

If we are all our brother’s keeper, why are so many of your own family members living in poverty?

I know this is difficult for you to understand. You did not attend Ivy League school like I did, but George Hussein Onyango Obama is my half brother, and my Aunt Zeituni Onyango and Uncle Omar are only half related as well. See how that is different?

Senator Obama, is it really good for everyone if we spread the wealth around?

Of course it is. When your employer lays you off from your job because my tax increases are cutting into the bottom line, I’ll be there to provide you with government assistance to help you through the hardship that your evil company has inflicted upon you. Americans don’t want a handout. But that’s just another reason this country sucks so bad.

Like it or not, you’re going to need a handout when I get through. I know how to spend your money better than you do, and it’s time you learned that.

Is Barack Obama a Muslim?

No. Muslims worship a supreme higher power that they call Allah. I believe that *I* am the supreme higher power that people should worship. My religion is more akin to Heaven’s Gate, or the People’s Temple, where I am the charismatic leader of my disciples. Clearly the Muslims are worshipping a false god, so I cannot be one of them.

Why is that bucket always stuck on your head?

That’s for me to know and you to find out, and it does not have anything to do with being unable to figure out how to remove it.

Is Barack Obama friends with Weather Underground domestic terrorist William Ayers?

Of course not. I was 8 years old when the bombing took place. It would be much more accurate to say that my relationship with Mr. Ayers is more like that of student/mentor.

Did you agree with the preachings of the racist preachings of your Pastor of more than 20 years, Rev. Jeremiah Wright?

No. Rev. Wright said many despicable things about there being a God and that God not being me. I have some very fundamental disagreements with him.

You have stated that your grandmother was in the hospital in poor physical health. Was this due to the internal injuries sustained when you threw her under the bus?

According to the doctor, these were entirely natural causes. That’s my answer and I’m sticking to it.

Why does Barack Obama hate America?

Where do I start? It’s a really long list.

Is Obama a Socialist?

That’s just an outlandish claim by far Right extremists that think that having a centralized government forcibly confiscate their money and property under penalty of law, and redistributing it is Socialism. They don’t even understand that Socialism is government ownership of the means of production and the distribution of goods.

Even though there are dozens of types of Socialism, but they all hold the common belief that the rich have more than their fair share and their wealth should be redistributed to the working class in the interest of egalitarianism, but that is not germane to this discussion.

I hope that has cleared up some of the most common misconceptions about me, Barack Obama, Messiah and US President. Remember folks. Vote early. Vote often. You can never vote often enough.

I’m Barack Obama and I approve this satire.

Thanks to our own Les James for the image. Bucket stuck on head joke origin: Frank J of IMAO Conservative Humor.

Tim: Welcome to our 2008 Election VP debate pre-bout show. I’m your host Tim Masterson. Today sitting in the hot seat is the former governor of Minnesota and wrestling icon Jessie The Body Ventura. And speaking of hot seats, I said it last week and I’ll say it again, Gov. Sarah Palin has one hot seat.

At first it was strictly a physical attraction, but with time I’ve grown to appreciate her mind as well as her body. OK, I still drool on my microphone when I see pictures of her. That one with her wearing that red, white and blue, Wonder Woman outfit, holding a whip…Wow!

What do you say Jessie?

Jessie: Sarah Palin is hot. If I could be reincarnated as a fabric, I would come back as a 38 double-D bra and you know who’d be wearing it.

Tim: Now that’s funny!

Jessie: Congratulations Jim, you have a sense of humor. And to those who didn’t: Go stick your head in the mud.

Tim: That’s why I love ya man. But let’s get down to the battle de jour.

Looks to me like its going to be a mêlée of epic scale between The Hottie, Sarah The Barracuda Palin and The Mouth that Roared, Scrappy Joe Biden.

Jessie: Yeah Tim, McCain’s training Palin for the heavyweight fight of her career. He’s got plenty of political in-fighting experience to pass on to her but from what I’ve seen so far, she’s got talent. Selling the jet on Ebay… classic.

Tim: So what do you think of the boys from the Blue States?

Jessie: It’s a switch-up. This is something we don’t see too often. The 40 something year congressional vet, Scrappy Joe, the Dems VP candidate, is the one prepping his I’ve got more time in the jon then he has in office, featherweight challenger to go up against the Reps seasoned pro.

Tim: So what you’re saying is that the VP debate is the one to watch, ‘cause the Pres. contest is going to be an early KO?

Jessie: Not all Tim. To give you an analogy: wrestling is ballet with violence and Obama knows how to dance.

Tim: Too close to call then. Do you have any advise to give either Vice Presidential candidate?

Jessie: Biden needs to remember he didn’t get enough votes in his Presidential bid to be elected Mayor of Wasilla. If he opens his mouth at the wrong time or even looks at her wrong during the debates, Palin wins because it looks like he’s picking on a woman and he’s sexist SOB.

Palin, on the other hand, needs to remember the she’s a good-looking woman. She has to be a class act while she’s kicking Biden in the nuts. Play that wrong and she looks like a bitch.

Tim: Strong words. But what about Obama saying, “You’re absolutely right that John McCain has not talked about my Muslim faith.”

Jessie: Obama can’t put two coherent words together, without someone putting it on a teleprompter for him first. As to those being strong words, I speak my mind. If it offends some people, well, there’s not much I can do about that. But I’m going to be honest. I’m going to continue to speak my mind, and that’s who I am.

Tim: OK.  What ever happened to your political career?

Jessie: I decided to run for governor because I got mad… I wanted to make government more directly accountable to the people. But when my time was up, I went back to my real life. Politics is not my life. I have a career in radio and another career in film.

Tim: How’s the film career going?

Jessie: Not so well.

Tim: On a lighter note, McCain sent me a letter.

Jessie: Oh?

Tim: Yep, he was looking for support.

Jessie: You mean cash.

Tim: You got it. So I sent him a dollar and wrote him there’s more where that came from it he gets elected and suddenly doesn’t feel up to the job.

Jessie: Putting Palin in the “hot seat” as you would say?

Tim: Ah ha.

Jessie: Good call.

Tim: Well, that’s all the time we have today. I’d like to say thanks to my guest, the most powerful governor next to Arnold…

Jessie: What the…?

Tim: …Jessie The Body Ventura. Tune in tomorrow when my guest will be TV, and singing legend David Hasselhof. Good night.

Jessie: What do you mean “next to Arnold” …

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Les James posts here every Monday while maintaining his home at Sideshow Mirrors.