Political Humor

Army General: Mr. President?

Obama: What? I got a name you know.

Army General: Yes sir. We’re ready to begin your first meeting of the Joint Chiefs of Staff. If you’re ready sir, we should head to the briefing.

Obama: And I’m in charge of these Joint Chiefs of Stuff, right?

Army General: Yes sir, you’re the Commander in Chief.

Obama: Right and don’t you forget it. What’s that guy doing?

Army General: He’s saluting you sir. It’s an old military custom of courtesy, showing respect for your position.

Obama: I see. For the position. Not for me. Well, stop it. I’ll have no more of that saluting stuff around here. Do you understand?

Army General: Yes sir.

Obama: Is that your answer to everything, “yes sir”?

Army General: No sir.

Obama: OK then, and don’t think that I don’t know what going on with this war thing. I spent like twenty minutes in Afghanistan and had lunch in Iraq. I’ll just sit over here at the head of the table and… hey, what’s this?

Air Force General: That’s, a… a bottle of water sir.

Obama: I can see that, Einstein. I’ll make it easier for you. What will happen after I get through drinking that water? What’s going to happen to the bottle? Huh?

Air Force General: Well, sir… I suppose it’ll get thrown away.

Obama: Right, and then it will end up in a landfill where it will sit for like a billion years or so, or worse it could end up in the ocean and probably kill a polar bear or a bird or something.

Air Force General: Would you like me to get rid of it for you sir?

Obama: Damn right I would and bring me a glass of water from the tap. No, wait. The municipal water is bad. Forget it. Now what was so important that you got me away from Oprah? Shakira was on.

Army General: Sir, it’s the Iranian issue.

Obama: What Iranian issue? President Akamdener… ah, Amaderdad… or whatever, promised me he’d start acting like a responsible citizen of the world. He gave me his word over the phone.

Air Force General: Yes, sir, I’m sure he did.

Obama: Are you being a smart-ass with me flyboy?

Air Force General: No sir. But they did successfully test a nuke late yesterday.

Obama: Did they now?

Navy Admiral: Yes sir. It was part of you National Security Brief this morning.

Obama: Yeah, about that. You guys just keep filling that thing up really negative stuff and I don’t really understand most of it. It has a lot of crap it there about FPCON this and deployment that. I think you’re making up a lot of words and phrases just to screw with me. Sticking it to the new guy.

Navy Admiral: Sir?

Obama: Right, let’s lay it out on the table. You don’t like me and I don’t like you. OK? So until I can get rid of all of you, you’re just going to have to deal with it. Now, you Air Force guy.

Air Force General: Sir?

Obama: Get my plane ready. We’re going to Iran. When I see him face-to-face, he’ll see that I’m the charismatic voice of reason and he’ll stop for good.

Air Force General: Yes sir. I’ll inform the crew to get Air Force One prepped ASAP and we’ll start the process rolling with the State Department and Secret Service to begin squaring away their end of the mission. It shouldn’t take but four, maybe five days or so if we fast tract it. We can have boots on the ground…

Obama: Knock it off there, wing nut. Speak English or Spanish around me merci beaucoups. Conprendio? And about that Air Force One name, from now on it’s Michele One, got it? Oh, and later today I’ve got my posse heading over there to pimp it out. And another thing, can the jarhead even talk?

Marine Corps General: Jarhead? JARHEAD? Yes sir, this jarhead can talk but I’m a man of few words and I’ve got two for you. I resign!

Obama: Good, that’s one down. Don’t let the door hit you on the way out.

Army General: Sir, with all due respect…

Obama: You got that right, doughboy. I am due respect. Now all of you get out of here and go do some peacekeeping or something. Anyone who’s left can start cleaning up the trash along the highways. Got that? I’m going to get an honest days work out of all of you baby killers.

Army General: That’s it! I resign.

Air Force General: Me too.

Navy Admiral: Make that three.

Obama: Well, that was easy. Now let’s see…what’s next? Oh, yeah. Off to Capital Hill to talk with the Republicans, and later this afternoon those Blue Dog Democrats. Tomorrow the Supreme Court. Four of them over there need to see the light or the door.

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Jim Johnson sat at the table in the conference room looking over his notes and turned to Barack Obama. “You ready?”

“Sure.” Obama replied. “Interviewing people from the military, especially with my limited experience in foreign relations was a brilliant idea. I am getting better though. Israel is in the Middle East right?”

“Yes Obama.” Jim sighed and pressed the intercom button on the phone. “Send in the first candidate.”

“Okay” The female voice answered. The door opened and in walked a great hero from World War II. *

Obama stood up. “Mr. Patton…”

“Call me general” Patton interrupted.

“Okay General,” Obama sat down. “What is your opinion on the Iraq War?”

“All this stuff you’ve heard about America not wanting to fight, wanting to stay out of the war, is a lot of horse dung.” Patton preached as he looked Barack in the eye. “Americans traditionally love to fight. All real Americans love the sting of battle. When you were a kid, you admired the champion marble shooter, the fastest runner, big league ball players, the toughest boxers. Americans love a winner and will not tolerate a loser. Americans play to win all the time. I wouldn’t give a hoot in hell for a man who lost and laughed. That’s why Americans have never lost, and will never lose a war… because the very thought of losing is hateful to Americans.”

“Well be in touch, thanks. Next!”

Obama looked over his notes as the next candidate sat before him.” So, Gunnery Sergeant Hartman, how do you feel about campaigning heavily in Texas?

“Holy dog sh*t. Texas?” The outspoken Marine replied candidly. “Only steers and queers come from Texas.”

“Maybe Florida would be better. Where do you stand on gun control?”

“The deadliest weapon in the world is a marine and his rifle.”

“Hmm. That isn’t good. We don’t really like guns. They kill people.”

Hartman stood up, annoyed. “I’ll bet you’re the kind of guy that would f^^k a person in the ass and not even have the goddam common courtesy to give him a reach-around. I’ll be watching you.” The Sergeant turned, walked out and slammed the door behind him.

“Typical white person I guess.” Obama shrugged.

“I’ll send in the next candidate.” Johnson said.

“Admiral Benson.” Obama stood up and reached out to shake his hand.

“Really? Me too.” Benson met Barack’s gesture then seemed to trip over his own feet. “I slipped on a crab. Who put that crab there?”

“I don’t see any crab” the Democratic nominee said with a puzzled look.

“Don’t tell me. There were two crabs. They work in pairs. I went to Annapolis for chrissakes!” insisted the Admiral.

“Let’s get to the interview, shall we? What is your vision for America?”

“My eyes are ceramic. Caught a bazooka round at Little Big Horn. Or was it Okinawa? The one without the Indians.”

“No, I think that was the Spanish-Amer…” Obama stopped as Johnson whispered something into Barack’s ear. “…Okinawa. So what is your vision for America?”

“It is at moments like these, my dear friends, that we must ask ourselves: ‘How can this not be part of some larger plan?’ Do good men like Dead Meat Thompson just blink out one day like a bad bulb? I mean, one minute you’re in bed with a knockout gal… or guy, and the next, you’re a compost heap. Doesn’t that bother any of you? Because it scares the living piss outta me!”

“Thank you for your time Admiral.”

“Well, gotta run. Good luck.”

“Are there any more candidates?” Obama asked after Benson left the room.

“No that’s it.” Jim replied.

“I like the last guy the best.”

*Writer’s note:  Originally I had said that Patton was a hero from the Korean War. That was an error on my part and corrected above.

Chris Cameron writes this silly drivel every Thursday here at Radioactive Liberty. You can also read his odd take on humor at his blog Angry Seafood.