Political Humor

Oh boy, sleep! That’s where I’m a Southern Baptist Preacher!

Yea, in a deep slumber I was lifted up by a being, that I believe was an Angel. She took me by the hand as we flew through the night air. And I spake to the Angel, “Wherefore art thou taking me? Can ye tell me?” To which the Angel replied, “You betcha.”

We stopped, and hovered in the dark skies, over a great city. Lo and behold, she pointed toward the firmament and said unto me, “Below is a modern Sodom. Below is a Tower of Babel. But there’s a whole lot worse, ya know.”

I looked to which she pointed. “Is this not the seat of our government? Is that not Capital Hill? What in the name of heaven, could be worse?”

The Angel squeezed my hand and I did wince. “Sorry, I use to fish for a living. I guess I don’t know my own strength. But you sure do know your real estate,” she spake to me.

“Why have ye brought me to this unholy place? I beseech thee.” She looked at me through her glasses and smiled. The smile of an Angel, and a bosom to match. I must confess my sin to thee, my brothers and sisters, for I had carnal thoughts. I lusted for this creature.

“Forgive me!” I cried. “For I have had immoral images of me and thee in my mind.”

To which she laughed. “Oh sweetie, there’s nothing to forgive. You’re the one who created all those hot pin-up pictures after all. Of course you want me. At least the fantasy me.”

Then we began to fall. Faster and faster we plunged toward the earth, and I was sore afraid. We fell from the heavens as a meteor, streaking down to a large white house. Despite the Angel’s reassurances, I knew this was to be my punishment for my indiscretion. I was to perish. My mortal body dashed. My flesh rendered. My bones case upon the roof. But it was my soul, for which I did dread.

And behold we passed unscathed, right through the building! Deeper, yet deeper, we went into bowels of the earth. Oh, my friends, my faithful flock, I do not use that term as an allusion. For it did stinketh a great stench. The vile odor doth filled my nose. We moved farther into the earth, through this gaping maw to Hell. Right to it’s very center. To the realm of The Dark One.

A glowing red did meet mine eyes, and a mighty wind did break o’er me. Yet we descended. Until above a vast blood colored lake we did soar. A cry arose from the lake, and yet not just one voice did rise to my hearing, but millions of anguished voices. To my horror, I did see uncountable numbers of forms thrashing in this sea.

And I said unto the Angel, “What is this place? What have these people done to deserve to drown in an ocean of blood?”

The Angel thus spake, “It’s not blood… It’s red ink. They’re drowning in the debt of The Obamanation.”

“Holy Fucking Shit!” I did screameth.

“Oh, yeah. You betcha,” The Angel did reply.

“Angel,” I did implore. “Return me to my bed. Please tell me this is but a shadow of the future.”

“Sorry Charlie, I’m no Angel.” she replied.

Oh, I was much perplexed. Then suddenly I understood. “But governors can’t fly.” I did state.

“I’m not a governor anymore,” she sayeth. “I’m a rogue conservative.” Then she did dropeth me.

Screaming, I did fall, until I landed upon The Beguiler, The Deceiver of Worlds, The Silver-Tongued Serpent, The Man of Many Faces, yet even The Obamanation, and smote him with a great smiting. Yea verily, did I smush him.

Can I get an Amen?

Author’s note: Don’t worry, I was just fine. When you land on that much bull crap, it’s pretty soft. Smelly, but soft. Just like his stand on foreign policy, Afghanistan and, and… But that’s for another sermon.

Brave Sir Glenn has gone in search of warriors to help in his fight against the evil Shadow of Obamanation. His travels have taken him to the site of the Republican Party’s Election Day Massacre. A dark figure stands in the midst of the carnage. Sir Glenn doesn’t recognize the Black Knight, due to the bucket on his head.

Sir Glenn: “You read with the smooth and practiced words of many men, Sir Knight.”

[The Black Knight doesn't respond, which is very weird]

Sir Glenn: “I am Glenn of Beck, of the Order of Reagan.”

[No response]

Sir Glenn: “I seek the bravest and the finest knights in the land to join me, to fight the smiley faced fascism, which spreads across our fair land.”

[No response]

Sir Glenn: “You have proved yourself a worthy adversary. Will you change your views and join me?”

[Still, no response]

Sir Glenn: “You make me sad. So be it. I shall now go back to Conservalot, the Shining City on the Hill. I know… it’s not a very good name. But it does have a grail-shaped swimming pool.”

[Sir Glenn attempts to get around the Black Knight, who draws his sword ]

Black Knight: “None from the Radical Right shall pass.”

Sir Glenn: “What did you say?”

Black Knight: “No Republican shall pass!”

Sir Glenn: “I’m not a Republican. I’m a Conservative, and I’ve no time to parry words with you any longer, Sir Knight. I must go back. I have a show to do on Fox.”

Black Knight: “Fox is it? Then you shall die.”

Sir Glenn: “In the name of the Founding Fathers and the Constitution, I command you to stand aside!”

Black Knight: “I move for no old, balding, white man.”

Sir Glenn: “If you didn’t have that bucket stuck on your head, you’d see the only thing you had correct was the white part! And it’s doughy white.”

Black Knight: “Don’t bother me with your “facts”.”

[Sir Glenn draws his weapon and they fight until he cuts off the Black Knight's tiny penis with the Sword of Righteousness]

Sir Glenn: “Now, stand aside. You have been neutered!”

Black Knight: “‘Tis but a scratch!”

Sir Glenn: “Yeah, in this case, that’s true, but it is your peter laying on the ground after all.”

Black Knight: “No it’s not.”

Sir Glenn: “Yes it is. I can see your detached, little Vienna sausage resting in the leaves on the forest floor, like an expired goldfish. It’s gone ‘yon to that Great Veil. It’s dead as a doornail. A fallen soldier, never to salute again. Roadkill. Worm food. A past tense baby maker. Cold as a witch’s bosom. It’s an ex-peter!

Black Knight: “No, it isn’t! That’s not mine.  It’s…It’s  Hillary Clinton’s.”

Sir Glenn: “Please. I don’t think so. Hillary’s is much larger.”

Black Knight: “OK then, it’s Michelle’s.”

Sir Glenn: “Yuck! That’s sick!”

Black Knight: “Come on, you homophobe!”

[They fight again. Glenn cuts off the Knight's right arm]

Sir Glenn: “Victory is mine!”

[Sir Glenn kneels to pray]

Sir Glenn: “We thank thee Lord, that in thy mercy…”

[The Black Knight picks up a teleprompter with his remaining hand and arm, and swings at Sir Glenn’s head and misses.]

Black Knight: “Come on then, Bible Thumper. Fight me like a…a…citizen of the world.”

Sir Glenn: “What? I’ve cut off your arm.”

Black Knight: “I’ve had worse.  Anyway, I don’t need my right arm. I need nothing on the right. I’m a Lefty!”

Sir Glenn: “You are indeed a left-handed fool, Sir Knight, but the fight is mine!”

[Sir Glenn cuts off the Black Knight’s left arm]

Black Knight: “Oh, had enough, then eh?”

Sir Glenn: “Look, you stupid socialist. You’ve got no arms left. It’s over.”

Black Knight: “I’m the Black Knight! I’m too big to fail! I’m omnipotent!”

Sir Glenn: “You’re a raving moonbat!”

[Sir Glenn pushes by the Black Knight]

Black Knight: “I have two good legs. I can still walk on water! I’ll chase you down wherever you go and kick the dog crap out of you.”

Sir Glenn: “Whatever.”

[Sir Glenn cuts both of the Black Knight’s legs of with one swing of the Sword of Righteousness]

Black Knight: “Come back here bigot! I’ll do you!”

Sir Glenn: “With what? Besides, do I look like Barney Frank?”

Black Knight: “It’s because I’m half black isn’t it? Fine. I win then, you racist.”

Throwing Down the Gauntlet: Since our President can give one speech in Cairo and change the course of events in the Muslim world, I believe we too can influence the views of, at least, a few. Come-on Rush, just admit you read Radioactive Liberty and use us for show prep. I heard you mention Scrappleface the other day. We’re funnier and you know it. Fess-up.