Political Humor

Because Conservatives Want The Dirt Too

Welcome to the first post from our new section, the Radioactive Liberty Inquirer.  It’s Yellow Journalism at it’s finest.  Ask yourself… why should all of the major networks and check-out line scandal sheets get all the good stories?  This is a question that’s been going around the RL boardroom for some months now. The conclusion we came to?  They shouldn’t. It seems kind of greedy of them. Down right unfair. We feel entitled to our share, plus some from the rich news outlets too (just because they’re rich), and we shouldn’t have to work for it either. This is Obama’s America after all.

Our philosophy at this last bastion of honesty is simple, you deserve to get your sensationalized, hard-hitting, behind the scenes, down in the trenches, scandal ridden, half truths and hearsay, from a news organization you can trust. And you can trust us, or my name isn’t Les James.

Why look to RLI for your political information needs? Because unlike others I won’t name…yet, we’re forthcoming about our content being humor, satire, sarcasm, parody, opinion, and flat out lies. That, and we do it all for the children. Besides, who has time to go looking for all the juicy news items, when all you have to do is subscribe to our RSS feed?  And it’ll come right to your computer. Now that’s convenient.

In the most important way, the RL Inquirer is exactly like the MSM, or “Statist Media”. Why, just like our competitors at NBC, CBS, ABC, MSNBC, CNN, NPR, Air America, The Huffington Post, The Daily KOS, tons of other left-wing loon blogs, almost any newspaper and many print magazines, ect, ect, ect, our team of crack reporters stays awake at night, thinking this crap up. That’s what you’ve come to expect from us, that’s what you’ll continue to get. Slanted news and biased views, just like the other guys.  It’s the truth you’d write… if you had a better imagination.

While you may not notice any significant outward change in our format with this new feature, you can be sure that when it comes to Yellow, the RL Inquirer is always prepared to rain on any political parade.

It could be true.

Brave Sir Glenn has gone in search of warriors to help in his fight against the evil Shadow of Obamanation. His travels have taken him to the site of the Republican Party’s Election Day Massacre. A dark figure stands in the midst of the carnage. Sir Glenn doesn’t recognize the Black Knight, due to the bucket on his head.

Sir Glenn: “You read with the smooth and practiced words of many men, Sir Knight.”

[The Black Knight doesn't respond, which is very weird]

Sir Glenn: “I am Glenn of Beck, of the Order of Reagan.”

[No response]

Sir Glenn: “I seek the bravest and the finest knights in the land to join me, to fight the smiley faced fascism, which spreads across our fair land.”

[No response]

Sir Glenn: “You have proved yourself a worthy adversary. Will you change your views and join me?”

[Still, no response]

Sir Glenn: “You make me sad. So be it. I shall now go back to Conservalot, the Shining City on the Hill. I know… it’s not a very good name. But it does have a grail-shaped swimming pool.”

[Sir Glenn attempts to get around the Black Knight, who draws his sword ]

Black Knight: “None from the Radical Right shall pass.”

Sir Glenn: “What did you say?”

Black Knight: “No Republican shall pass!”

Sir Glenn: “I’m not a Republican. I’m a Conservative, and I’ve no time to parry words with you any longer, Sir Knight. I must go back. I have a show to do on Fox.”

Black Knight: “Fox is it? Then you shall die.”

Sir Glenn: “In the name of the Founding Fathers and the Constitution, I command you to stand aside!”

Black Knight: “I move for no old, balding, white man.”

Sir Glenn: “If you didn’t have that bucket stuck on your head, you’d see the only thing you had correct was the white part! And it’s doughy white.”

Black Knight: “Don’t bother me with your “facts”.”

[Sir Glenn draws his weapon and they fight until he cuts off the Black Knight's tiny penis with the Sword of Righteousness]

Sir Glenn: “Now, stand aside. You have been neutered!”

Black Knight: “‘Tis but a scratch!”

Sir Glenn: “Yeah, in this case, that’s true, but it is your peter laying on the ground after all.”

Black Knight: “No it’s not.”

Sir Glenn: “Yes it is. I can see your detached, little Vienna sausage resting in the leaves on the forest floor, like an expired goldfish. It’s gone ‘yon to that Great Veil. It’s dead as a doornail. A fallen soldier, never to salute again. Roadkill. Worm food. A past tense baby maker. Cold as a witch’s bosom. It’s an ex-peter!

Black Knight: “No, it isn’t! That’s not mine.  It’s…It’s  Hillary Clinton’s.”

Sir Glenn: “Please. I don’t think so. Hillary’s is much larger.”

Black Knight: “OK then, it’s Michelle’s.”

Sir Glenn: “Yuck! That’s sick!”

Black Knight: “Come on, you homophobe!”

[They fight again. Glenn cuts off the Knight's right arm]

Sir Glenn: “Victory is mine!”

[Sir Glenn kneels to pray]

Sir Glenn: “We thank thee Lord, that in thy mercy…”

[The Black Knight picks up a teleprompter with his remaining hand and arm, and swings at Sir Glenn’s head and misses.]

Black Knight: “Come on then, Bible Thumper. Fight me like a…a…citizen of the world.”

Sir Glenn: “What? I’ve cut off your arm.”

Black Knight: “I’ve had worse.  Anyway, I don’t need my right arm. I need nothing on the right. I’m a Lefty!”

Sir Glenn: “You are indeed a left-handed fool, Sir Knight, but the fight is mine!”

[Sir Glenn cuts off the Black Knight’s left arm]

Black Knight: “Oh, had enough, then eh?”

Sir Glenn: “Look, you stupid socialist. You’ve got no arms left. It’s over.”

Black Knight: “I’m the Black Knight! I’m too big to fail! I’m omnipotent!”

Sir Glenn: “You’re a raving moonbat!”

[Sir Glenn pushes by the Black Knight]

Black Knight: “I have two good legs. I can still walk on water! I’ll chase you down wherever you go and kick the dog crap out of you.”

Sir Glenn: “Whatever.”

[Sir Glenn cuts both of the Black Knight’s legs of with one swing of the Sword of Righteousness]

Black Knight: “Come back here bigot! I’ll do you!”

Sir Glenn: “With what? Besides, do I look like Barney Frank?”

Black Knight: “It’s because I’m half black isn’t it? Fine. I win then, you racist.”

Throwing Down the Gauntlet: Since our President can give one speech in Cairo and change the course of events in the Muslim world, I believe we too can influence the views of, at least, a few. Come-on Rush, just admit you read Radioactive Liberty and use us for show prep. I heard you mention Scrappleface the other day. We’re funnier and you know it. Fess-up.

Are you sick of hearing about Obama-mania? Tired of all the Chosen One’s infomercials? Me too.

Obama merchandise is everywhere. Bobble heads, thongs, Barack Obama photos, coins, plates, sheets, baseball cards, the list seems endless. You’d think you were in Jerusalem during Easter and these guys were selling pieces of the cross.  Even Billy Mays has gotten in on the act.  I don’t know about you, but I don’t want any of that shit.

Hi, I’m Les James.  I’ve never tried to sell you anything but today I want to share with you, an alternative means of helping you to stimulate the economy.  If you’re  a conservative like I am, you want to spend you hard earned cash on cool stuff  that you want, not crap that’s shoved down your throats.

Liberals are weak and will buy anything that’s slickly packaged. But we know, you’re too smart to be taken in by some smooth talking pitch man. We’re not even going to try.  We know that it’s the performance of the product that should do the talking, and you want to buy from someone you trust, someone with a proven track record.

That’s why we created RL Gear by Radioactive Liberty.  The staff and management of this political humor blog, wants you to be able to blow your wad on quality items you really want.  And after seeing what we have to offer, blow your wad you will!

[ed: The unfortunate phrasing above is just a metaphor, no actual wad blowing will occur]

Carbon Offset Credits, Global Warming, Climate Change, Cap and Trade.  What a crock!  The lies are so thick, that there’s not enough room left to swing a dead, baby harp seal.

[ed: Not a metaphor. A real, dead baby harp seal was used  in this attempt]

Want to make a statement? Let the left know what you think about it all? RL Gear has the products for you.

Every time those morons in Washington open their mouths they expel (amongst other things) CO2.  When are we going to get Cap and Trade on that? Show you’re not a hypocrite, and crack open a can or bottle today!

How about an econo-box that you’ll actually enjoy driving…up and over the moonbats and hippies in your way, and maybe a few who weren’t? MPG? Hah! More like GMP!

But wait, there’s more!

For the gun-toting, bible clutchers on your list, how about giving them an Obama image, on a gift they’ll really enjoy? Even if you don’t own a shotgun, our clay pigeons are just plain fun to throw at walls… or politicians! On impact, these little beauties shatter into 825 Billion pieces. Just like all of Obama’s promises of hope and change.

Hey guys, we all know how much fun it is to write our yellow names in the snow. It’s a joy few women will ever understand. And remember when you were little and you pretended that you were a fire truck? Relive those bygone days and be  the man you always knew you could be. Go ahead, be a Big Dick guy.

Those maggot-encrusted faeries needed a good washing anyway.

Ladies! Don’t think we’ve forgotten about you. Here’s a little item that you’ll want everyone see.  The sexist males at RL Gear only sell these silky panties in XS, S & M -that’s women’s extra small, small and medium.  And you must be at least 18 years of age to order.

So please, go ahead and give us a peak!

OK, maybe the panties are as much for us guys as that are for you gals. But at least we’re honest. Despite rumors to the contrary, there’s no limp-wristed, man purse carrying, metros around here.  This is real man country. And we love you ladies dearly.

So order yours today!

And if you order before midnight tonight, you won’t get anything else. We’re not into gimmicks. 

This is Les James for RL Gear by Radioactive Liberty saying, stop being such a wuss.  Be conservative  Buy conservative. Buy RL Gear*. You’ll be glad you did.

*The items listed above are priced much like dinning at a fine restaurant, if you have to ask, you can’t afford it. Subject to all applicable local, state, federal, and Obama taxes. But you won’t have to pay them all until Charlie Rangel and Tim Geithner do.

[In an update, looks like Tom Daschle has decide to pay-to-play. He's going to pay taxes and penalties that he "forgot" he owed on the over 2 million he made by speaking to the health industry. He's embarrassed. Isn't that nice? No problem though, there's no conflict of interest here. Everyone should get loads of cash from the very people they are to oversee.]

Want RL Gear for your very own?  Here’s your chance. Just download these funny pictures and keep ‘em for yourself, give ‘em as gifts, or republish ‘em. The cost? Just attribute these images to this site. Nice huh?

Les James is here ever Monday and the rest of the week he’s at his own humor blog, Sideshow Mirrors.