Political Humor

Good evening everybody and welcome to Wednesday Whoop Ass! Good ole J.O. here and do we have a main event for you! In the steel cage of death, doom, and destruction we will have two heavyweights in their respective ranks squaring off in a fight to the irrelevance!

In one corner, we have the champ. A man who is leader of the free world. A man who commands armies, and can move markets on a whim. He can fire missiles into other countries, and have the IRS audit you for no more reason than because he says so! It’s Barack “The Black Mamba” Obama!

In the other corner, we have a man that holds no political office. He has no power of government agencies. He can’t compel law enforcement to do anything. But some say he has a mystical power to hypnotize millions with his words. It’s Rush “The Raging Elephant” Limbaugh!

This looks to be one hell of a slobberknocker! It’ll be a pier six brawl! Get ready to hold on to your wallets and your prescription medication! We’ll get to the match right after a word from our sponsors!

funny commercial

Welcome back to Wednesday Whoop Ass! Good ole J.O. here and our warriors have entered the the steel cage of death, doom, and destruction! The bell rings and here we go!

It looks like the combatants are feeling each other out here. A rhetorical jab from Rush, and Obama counters with a middle-finger-nose scratch. Rhetorical jab followed by a rhetorical jab. Oh my! Rush hits Obama with a diatribe!

He follows up with multiple haymaker Reagan references! He has Obama backed into a corner! This looks like the beginning of the end, and we’ve barely gotten started! Wait, who’s that running in from back stage? Oh my God, it’s Rahm Emmanuel! He just tossed The Mamba a foreign policy change! That’s not legal! Oh! This is brutal! The Mamba is beating Rush over the head with his foreign policy!

Rush is staggered! It looks like the Raging Elephant may fall! Wait, Rush counters with a Socialism monologue! He’s dazed The Mamba! He has to follow that move up to gain the initiative in the fight, but the beating he took has left him exhausted! How are these men still fighting after all the brutality they have suffered?!

It looks like Rush is trying to go for his finishing move, the Crown of Communism. He’s moving in for the kill…Oh my God! The Mamba pulled out his mandate, but Rush blocked it with his huge advertising revenue!

OH NO! JESUS CHRIST!!! From out of nowhere, Obama hit him with his patented finisher the Fairness Doctrine, and Rush is down! He’s not moving. The fight is over! The fight is over. Obama just killed Limbaugh’s career, freedom, and the Constitution in one deft move!

I’m speechless! How could this have happened? Where was the commissioner? That move was banned, but he was able to…

Wait! Let me go, you goon! Leave my microphone alone! You can’t do this! This is unAmerican! You can’t……………………….

I love Christmas songs! And who doesn’t? The best thing about Christmas carols is that they are so damned easy to learn. They only ever have like 4 lines, and those lines are repeated over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over, ad nauseum. Then the songs are played on an infinite loop beginning in October. Even children can learn the songs in no time.

What’s not to love?

The most bestest, favoritest, awesomest Christmas song of all time has to be the 12 Days of Christmas. It’s a little hard to learn all the parts, since there are 12 days of lines to learn, but with repeating all the lines that came before, it’s the single most repetitive of all the Christmas songs. Let me tell you, what a joy it is to sing the lines over and over again with just that minor, teensy weensy change of adding a new line each time. It’s the best!

So, for your Christmas pleasure we have crafted this 12 Days of Christmas parody with a political humor twist. It’s not just a tribute to Christmas, but it also pays homage to global warming hysteria. Global warming hysteria may be having it’s last Christmas this year before it grows up and transforms into an adult size “global climate change.”

Adulthood for global warming involves lots of backpedaling and double-speak, so it’s not much fun. Let’s all enjoy it’s last hurrah.

On the First Day of Christmas
Al Gore gave to me
a copy of his stupid movie

On the Second Day of Christmas
Al Gore gave to me
too high a heating bill
and a copy of his stupid move

On the Third Day of Christmas
Al Gore gave to me
three frostbit fingers
too high a heating bill
and a copy of his stupid movie

On the Fourth Day of Christmas
Al Gore gave to me
four extra parkas
three frostbite fingers
too high a heating bill
and a copy of his stupid movie

On the Fifth Day of Christmas
Al Gore gave to me
five frozen squirrels
four extra parkas
three frostbite fingers
too high a heating bill
and a copy of his stupid movie

On the Twelfth Day of Christmas
Al Gore gave to me
twelve inches of Global Warming
eleven pipes a busting
ten icy sidewalks slipping
nine Hobo-cicles
eight record snowfalls
seven nasty ice storms
six days of blackout
five frozen squirrels
four extra parkas
three frostbit fingers
too high a heating bill
and a copy of his stupid movie

Wow! That was almost as much fun as it is to put a gigantic tree inside my tiny little home rendering one of the few rooms in my house unusable for an entire month. If you enjoyed that, first seek professional help. I don’t care if it’s a psychologist, your minister, or the fairies you talk to as you walk down the street. As long as they are certified, because you are certifiable.

Step two, email it to all your friends, link to it from your blog if you have one, or post it to your favorite social media/bookmarking sites. We think it’s good for everyone if you spread the humor around. Besides, it is the season of sharing.

Step three, check out some of our other Christmas humor columns.
* Obama Night Before Christmas Parody
* Holiday Gift Ideas
* Does Santa Claus Hate the Jews?

This was a collaborative effort between Fiar and Les James. Original concept, intro, and outro by Fiar. 12 Days of Christmas lyrics mangled by Les James. Les James enjoys long walks on the beach, dressing up as Mrs. Claus, and having people submit their works of humor to his twisted humor blog, Sideshow Mirrors. If you’re looking for a Christmas gift for Les, just send him your work to post to his blog. If you would like to send Fiar a Christmas gift, don’t listen to those uppity etiquette manuals, cash is a perfectly cromulent gift.

Merry Obamass!

Get ready, because after this one, the next 8 to 10 Christmases will have President Obama in da (White) House!

Any time now, I’m expecting the phone to ring. On the other end will be the Beastie Boys, just begging me to let them use these lyrics. Until then, break out your kid’s karaoke machines and your old turntables. [Ed note: White guys shouldn't be allowed to rap or write rap lyrics. BTW the Beastie Boys suck]

da Nite B4 Xmas

Want a tell ya little story, ‘bout one Holy Night
A lil somethin’ somethin’, that just wasn’t right

It went down like this, I’m right here to say
Your ass better listen, ‘cus I’m Les J

T’was the night before Christmas, and in the White House
Rham Emanuel was workin’, as quiet as a mouse

The stockin’ weren’t hung, ‘cus that ain’t PC
There be none of that shit, for the First Family

The kiddies was happy, all warm in their rooms
Their heads all filled-up, with Hip Hop and rap tunes

While Ma in stilettos, and Pa in do rag
Had just dashed upstairs, for a quick midnight shag

When out on the lawn, there arose such a ruckus
That it caused the First Couple, coitus interruptus

Pa quickly jumped up, and out of the sack
Threw a chair through the window, took aim with his Mac

A bodyguard burst in, he shattered that door
He’d once been a bouncer, at Club 54

“What da hell!” he exclaimed, to his posse a shout
“We gonna show dem mofo’s, what we all about”

“Yo Dazz, Too Pic, and Sweet Baby G
Get your asses on down there, find out what it be”

“Lil Sweet to the roof top, Mr. Scrap to the wall
Move your feets now, ‘fore I blows off your balls!”

The lights all came on, and flooded the scene
Was some major shit, where the Rose Garden had been

Deep in the bushes, a black Lincoln sat smokin’
And somethin’ inside was red, and was glowin’!

The three hit the ground, expectin’ a blast
But the Lincoln’s doors open, and they gave a gasp!

What they saw next, just blew them away
Was that drunk-ass, som-bitch, Red Nosed Teddy K!

Then wearin’ tight leather, as red as his nose
Stepped out of the Lincoln, eight tiny ho’s

From up in the window, Pa gave a whistle
And a bedside lamp, found his head like a missile

He sunk to his knees, and felt ‘round at his head
Then slowly got up, left to find a spare bed

Out on the lawn, the three backed away
It just wasn’t right, there was somethin’ at play

Then puttin’ a rolled bill, right up his nose
Teddy K did a line, of the finest white blow

From behind cover, the crew watched it all
The lady’s was fine, but so’s a brick wall

Down the ho’s tops, Teddy K was a peakin’
While his red nose, it shown like a beacon

Silent above, prowled a Predator drone
Locked-on his nose, then found it’s way home

When the dust settled down, Teddy K, he was gone
And there was a big hole, in White House lawn

Now over the scene, flew a jolly, old elf
He tossed the controller, and laughed to himself

As he flew out of sight, his voice they could hear
“There’s only one Rudolph, the Red-Nosed Reindeer!”

Word

Yo, get yourself over to Les J’s political satire and humor at Sideshow Mirrors or I’ll bitch slap ya! Merry Obamass to all and to all a good night.