Political Humor

Yesterday, in Part One of The Poop On Politicians And The 2012 Elections, we viewed politicians from the bottom up, and found out what they’re made of. Today, we discover what you’re made of.

Ass From A Hole In The Ground, Left From Right: This Is A Test

Before you go out to support a candidate this year, please take this pre-final exam:

Let’s Begin

Do a gut check of the person you’d like to see in office. Are they a politician? Or are they something far removed?

Do a figurative -or literal if you must- bowel check.

Next pretend it’s elections day and your candidate won. Now imagine the gut check in your right hand and the bowel check in your left. For those of you who are a little slow on this point, wish in one hand and shit in the other.

Your initial feeling from both should be warm and squishy.

Now try to imagine a short time later. A few hours should do.

By now your left hand will be feeling something cold and slimy. Not only that, but it stinks, and you’re really wishing you hadn’t done that. No matter how many times you repeat this experiment, the results are the same …the Left will always leave you hoping for change …a stiff brush, lye soap and a long, hot shower.

So what’s happening on the Right? Is it nasty, and does the vile odor wafting up make you wanna gag? Are you still wallowing in the Bog of Eternal Stench? Did you back yet another politician? What an asshole.

Or is it still warm, friendly and smells like a summer’s day after a rain? In this case, you didn’t elect a stealin’, deceivin’, poopy mouthed devil that you don’t trust as far as you can kick ‘em. Congratulations you passed. My hero!

What it all piles up to is, in world of hands the Left is only good for one thing. Woe be unto any who would except it as the hand of friendship, for it has nastiness under it’s fingernails.

Yea, verily, I say unto thee, the true, the correct …the right, Right is filled with goodness and RIGHTeousness, and welcomed by the faithful with open arms. The sun shines down upon us while the angles sing! The grass is greener on our side, and our hot tubs are filled to overflowing with milk and honey! Ah, scratch the last one. But still it’s mighty wonderful! Brothers and Sisters, can I get an amen?

Stepping out from behind the pulpit

This next election, I beg, I plead, please, please choose your candidates wisely and pick the right, Right people.

This in no way implies that Donald Trump was the right, Right. That guy’s been a corporate politician for decades. I can’t figure out how he combs his hair, let alone where he stand on the issues. Thank you Donald for bowing out. At least Mitch Daniels had the guts to tells us he actually cares about his family. Kudos, dude. Then there’s The Newt. Loser! Get your feet out of your mouth, and go make another documentary, or write a book or something, and stop muddying the waters, you dried-up old fart. And don’t get me started on that four-stringed guitar thumpin’ Huckabee Hound. Man am I glad he’s not running. Romney? Please. Hey, Mitt, do you and Trump share the same hairstylist? Oh, and are you going to have that campaign manager from last time? The one who looks like your stunt double? I thought you did your own stunts, like RomneyCare? Yeah, there’s a winning issue. By the way, Michele Bachmann has a bigger set of balls than any of you, and a nice pair up top too. Crap, I can’t get that image out of my head. Anyway, I could go on and on and on and…

If You’re Offended By Potty Humor, Please Read On

Opinions are like anuses. Anuses are like politicians. Politicians have opinions, and their opinions are like the toxic waste that excretes from anal sphincters.

An simpler way of saying this is, politicians are shit talking assholes. Like you didn’t know that already. Any politician that tries to convince you otherwise is a liar. Not all assholes are liars, but all liars are assholes.

Run like hell from any politician that tells you, you can trust them or they have your best interest in mind. You can’t and they don’t.

If you hear politicians saying they won’t raise your taxes, they’re lying. They may not call it taxes, but they’re still going to get into your pockets somehow, while denying it.

This makes politicians thieves. You can’t trust thieves, they’re liars, and liars are assholes. Therefore, politicians are untrustworthy, thieving, lying assholes, who’ll break into your home, drink your beer, rape the cat, leave turds in your cereal bowl, then belch, zip-up, and tell you it’s a healthy breakfast as they grab your wife’s breasts, and rush out the door, snatching your wallet, checkbook and car keys on their way out.

Where does it end? Every time one of them opens their mouths, out gushes excrement that covers over previous dung, that covers over dookey, that covers over poo, that covers over crap, that covers over even more shit. Everything a politician does or says is another cover-up. Then they candy coat it and try to force feed us.

Remember what your mothers told you, never take candy from a stranger, and nothing’s stranger than someone who actually wants to hold a political office.

This is moving us nicely into our pre-election political season test, but we won’t get there until next time, in part two.

Don’t mess with a master. Obama learned that the hard way yesterday. Benjamin Netanyahu whopped the ass of our boy President, when he told him in no uncertain terms what he thought of Obama’s inane plans for the sovereign state of Israel.

Way to put that spoiled child in his place, Mr. Prime Minister.