Political Humor

Coming this fall……an epic new disaster movie so scary you will literally be crapping your pants in the theater…

An iceberg so large and destructive it threatens the existence of mankind…

A film so outlandish Time Magazine calls it: “outlandishly outlandish”…

Based on the true-life, over-hyped story by the media, Attack of The Iceberg pits man against a broken-off piece of a glacier in Greenland that threatens to possibly move very, very slowly towards shipping lanes.

Ed Markey stars as Phyllis Mayton, a cross-dressing transgender who tries to convince a skeptical world of dire implications…

“An iceberg four times the size of Manhattan has broken off Greenland, creating plenty of room for deniers to start their own country…”

Cookie the Polar Bear stars as Snowflake, the dis-enchanted gansta from the hood looking to prevent anyone from getting near the iceberg, which he considers his territory.

The Rebel Alliance from Star Wars star as themselves, a rag-tag group of dissenters hoping to stop the iceberg from killing the world.

Attack of the Iceberg…coming to theaters this Fall.

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Chris Cameron is a columnist for Radioactive Liberty. He also has his own political humor/commentary blog Trees Hate Hugs as well as Angry Seafood, a politics-free humor blog.

Fox: Welcome to Are You Smarter Than A Democrat? I’m your host Fox Worthy. Tonight we have Mrs. Gretta Jones from Phoenix, Arizona. Gretta is a housewife and mother of three, who was never interested in politics until this past year. She credits her next door neighbor with turning her on to Glenn Beck. Gretta is now a registered Independent and attends Tea Parties.

She’ll be playing against this week’s Unknown Democrat Senator. As usual -to conceal their identity- the Senator will have his or hers voice run through a filter and will wear an empty money bag over the head. The symbolism of which is always lost on them. So let’s get started and find out… Gretta, Are You Smarter Than A Democrat? The Senator won the coin toss, so…

Senator: I’ll take 5^th Grade Math for $100, Alex. And let’s make it a true Daily Double.

Fox: Ah, Senator, you do realize this isn’t Jeopardy, right?

Senator: Why yes I do, and that’s my final answer.

Fox: Okay then… 5^th Grade Math it is. Senator, how many zeros are there in One Trillion?

Senator: I never learned that in 5^th Grade, it’s a trick question.

Fox: It’s not a trick. As difficult as it is to believe, there is such a number as One Trillion.

Senator: I’m telling you, there’s no such thing as a Trillion. It’s just made up. That’s why we always keep our estimates of the cost of any program just below that imaginary figure.

Fox: Is that your answer?

Senator: No. No, ah… my answer is…is… it doesn’t matter, zeros are just place holders. So…er…mmm… they don’t actually represent real money.

Fox: Oh, so sorry Senator. Gretta what’s your answer?

Gretta: Too frikkin’ many!

Fox: Yup, you’re right, too frikkin’ many. Senator, your next question is about illegal immigration. How many illegal immigrants are there in the United States?

Senator: African or European? Except the Africans. And certainly you’re not asking about those hard working Latinos, who are doing the jobs Americans won’t do? That would make you a racist.

Fox: I see where this is heading, and Homey don’t play dat. Gretta?

Gretta: Too frikking many!

Fox: Correct again. Gretta, it’s pretty obvious you’re smarter than the Senator, so let’s just pass ‘em over and give you a crack at the next…

Senator: What? Are you trying to vote me off the island? I won’t stand for it. Circle gets the Square. I wanna to use a Street Shout-out. What is, the migratory patterns of farm animals. I didn’t want to turn into a Family Feud. Sometimes things just happen. I thought she was over 18. It was consensual, I tell you…

Fox: Wow. Looks like the Senator has Spun the Wheel, and like the country, has come up bankrupt. Gretta are you ready to risk it all and go for the win?

Gretta: Darn straight. Let’s do this.

Fox: I love your attitude. Okay, it’s a two part question. First, tell me how many Democrats and RINOs are holding public offices, and second, what if anything, are you going to do about ‘em?

Gretta: Too frikkin’ many, and vote those SOBs right out!

Fox: Ah… I’m so sorry but you’re… RIGHT! Congratulations. Now there’s just one thing left to do. Look right in the camera. Now Gretta, what do you want to say to America?

Gretta: My name is Gretta Jones. I may just be a housewife and mother of three from the suburbs, but I Am Smarter Than A Democrat!

Fox: From all of us here, goodnight everybody, and may all your tea be sweet.

Credits

Fox Worthy – Himself

Gretta Jones – Herself

Unknown Dem Sen – Arlen (act like a lady) Specter

This has been a Filmways Presentation, Dahling

It’s almost 2010. Holy crap, that was fast. I could go on and on -giving you a retrospective  about the last year- but it hasn’t been a great one for conservatives. So, I’ve decided to skip the Auld Lang Syne this time in favor looking forward to next year. And what better way to do that then to start out with a big party?

New Year’s Eve has got to be a blowout bash this year. The booze and food are easy. I’ll invite all my friends and… Okay, the guest list the gets tough. I don’t have very many friends. No, don’t get all mushy, saying “That’s alright Les, your a really nice guy. It’s their loss”, and other mindless drivel. The fact is I don’t have many friends… on purpose. I choose to live in rural America and limit my contact with people. You’ve been around ‘em. Seriously, are most of ‘em worth your time?

Off track again, sorry. Anyway, if I did have friends, then I’d need a great guest. I was thinking of a big-named, right wing personality. Wouldn’t that be cool? You’d want to attend, right? Yeah, NOW you want to be my friend.

So, I wrote a list of all the conservative media types I could think of, and then started crossing them off. What I ended up with, was this short list:

My Short List

Sean Hannity – Nice enough guy, but there’s one great big problem –he’d want to listen to cowboys yodeling or off-pitch caterwauling from some guy with a washboard strapped to his chest and another playing a two-string, stand-up bass, made out of empty pony keg and a broom stick. He’s off the list.

Mark Steyn – That dude’s funny. Every time he sits in for Rush or guest host for Hannity, I’m there. Too bad he’s Canadian and his head hinges all wrong. Sorry.

Michelle Malkin – Way smart. I appreciate that in a woman, and she looks good in a bikini too. Serious. The only issue I see is when she gets wound-up, it would be like listening to your old high school chemistry teacher explaining hydrogen bonds. Boring. She’s gone. Well, on second thought. Maybe if she wore skimpy swim wear…

Rush Limbaugh – Wow! What a coup that would be! I’d have to hire armed bouncers to keep both the right and wrong people from crashing the party. It’d be expensive, but worth it. Except… there’s those cigars. Sorry, Rush. There’s no smoking in my house. Won’t make an exception, even for you. Guess you won’t be getting an invitation either.

Laura Ingraham – Naw. Her name should have been crossed off earlier.
Way too confrontational.

Sarah Palin – Totally hot! I’d even let her husband tag along. He seems like a cool guy. I lived in Alaska for several years. I can relate. She’s down home, girl next door nice. Sensible… except, there was that wardrobe thing during the elections. I never believed the rumors, but she just sold a jacket for like $57000 or something. Oh, Sarah.

Ann Coulter – Okay… ah, how do I say this? I love listening to Ann, but I’m not sure I want her in my home. Fine, I’ll just say it. She kind of scares me. I think part of it those massive, fake eyelashes and black eyeliner. Plus, I picture her house having a sound proof basement. Please Miss Coulter, don’t take offense at this… please.

Glenn Beck – YES! Perfect. Beck it is. The guy’s funny, down to earth and he seems really accessible. Sharing a beer with Glenn Beck, what could be… Crap, he’s a recovering alcoholic. This isn’t going to work. So I guess he’s gone too.

So much for my fantastic Conservative New Year’s Eve Party. I suppose I’ll just go bed early on the 31st… again.

Les James also hangs around Sideshow Mirrors, which features political satire and humor, and the global warming denying, Mild Max.