Political Humor

NOTICE: The comments section is malfunctioning on this post. Please jot down your rage-filled rantings so you won’t forget the exact vitriol-laced verbiage when it comes back on-line.  Still, the only reason you would do that is because you’re gay.

Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell. Gratefully, I was an Army Recruiter before that inane rule came out. After 1993, recruiters could still disqualify guys if they were commies, but not if they looked for magazines under their mother’s side of the bed. Thanks, Bill.

I’ve been retired for ten years, but I can’t imagine opinions have change much concerning Pole Smokers in uniform. This politically correct and insightful post will focus on those kind, as we men really don’t care if a few of the opposite sex prefers some tacky little pamphlet in their daddy’s bottom drawer. It’s well known, most red-blooded American males secretly lust for some dirty love with a pair of lesbians.

“I’ve been licking this carpet for 3 hours and I still don’t feel like a Lesbian!”   Eric Cartman

Men are dogs… sometimes poodles. I’ll be the first to admit it. It’s true. We hetro guys fantasize a lot about inserting our Tab A’s into a female’s (or six) Slot B’s. That’s just the way we roll.

Those homo guys on the other hand, think a lot about sticking their Tab A’s into our Slot C’s. Not cool.

This is one reason the Greatest Fighting Force in the World doesn’t need flamers, burning down the door as they burst out of their closets, -or in this case, wall lockers- before flitting out to prance around the parade field.

Jeff Foxworthy said, “I’d like a beer and I’d like to see something naked.” I’m 100% certain Jeff was talking about women. That pretty much sums up most dudes, but not all.  President Obama wants the Department of Defense to slide butt pirates into that statement. That’s something I’d pay good money NOT to see.

Don’t try to tell me that they’re only interested in other gay guys. I call bullshit on that notion. If that’s true, the Armed Forces should also allow married males to group shower with married females. After all, they aren’t interested in those women, right?

Seriously, the last thing I’d want -if I was still on active duty- is to have to shower with a guy who was checking out my military member. The essence of this is, human nature is human nature, no matter how unnatural and sickening it may be.

Still, if you want to serve your country and you’re some kind of deviated pervert, do everyone a favor and keep it to yourself. Don’t dick with the good order and discipline of the U.S. Military by attempting to co-mingle your nasty twisted, with their straight, precious bodily fluids.

Come on, really… what makes anyone think that telling a heroic group of young, testosterone laden warriors they should serve with guys who openly admit to wet dreaming about them, is going to have a positive outcome?

Here’s a thought for our wonderful men in the Armed Forces, if Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell does get rescinded, don’t punch them in the face. Instead, every time some Puss in Boots looks at you wrong, pats you on the back, or makes any kind of statement that you could even remotely take as an innuendo, make it known you’re uncomfortable, and believe you’ve been sexual harassed. They want all the same rights and privileges. Give ‘em to ‘em.

I’d like hear your thoughts on this subject. I’d especially like to hear from women. Ladies please let me know what you think about Lesbos in Camos. That, and are you and a girlfriend into three-ways?

I’m only ah, joking about the three-ways thing. Yeah, that’s it. Really. Please don’t tell my wife. I’m kind of attached to my… er… you know.

An open letter to our Beloved Leader, Barack Hussein Obama

Dear President Obama,

With all due respect, what is it about the polls you don’t get? The majority of people, including me, think you’re on the wrong track. Please try a different one. Maybe Amtrak.

Your failed policies of the past (year) are giving me hemorrhoids. Don’t worry, I don’t expect you to respect me in the morning, and the check (for my taxes) is in the mail. That being said, what I really want you to hear is no.

No, I don’t want higher taxes. Duh! Even if Vice-President Biden thinks it’s patriotic.

No, I don’t want Obama Care. Keep your fingers out of my wife’s reproductive organs.

No, I don’t want Cap and Trade. Or as I like to call it, Crap and Tirade.

No, I don’t want socialism. I don’t care what 53% of Democrats say.

No, I don’t want terrorists tried in civilian courts. I want them shot. I’ll even pull the trigger.

No, I don’t want bigger government. Not everything is better when bigger, despite what Michelle says.

No, I don’t what you to stimulate me again. I didn’t want pork-barreled in the first place. You forced me against my will.

Mr President, no, no, no and no. Do you know what that means? No means no!

Look, I’ll understand if you don’t want to stand in front of a train, but could you please get on one? Might I suggest one heading for Venezuela. I think you’ll feel right at home there.

Sincerely,

Les James

Hang on one second. I mean “Robert Gibbs is a Douche” in the nicest way possible. Please give me a chance to explain, before you head off to the comments section, to slam me for calling the President’s Press Secretary a derogatory term.

Thank you. See how nice conservatives are?

We first have to look at what a douche is -it’s a product used to deodorize a certain part of the anatomy.  I thought all douches were made for a gender specific purpose. I was wrong. While doing a little research for this post, I discovered there are douches out there designed so both men and women can enjoy a clean, fresh feeling -in a place a little farther back. Try to get that image out of your mind.

Anyway, back to why Robert Gibbs is a douche. His job is to take whatever hole President Obama has gotten himself into, and make it smell better. Gibbs has been handed an awful lot of nasty assignments, but he does his best to make that part of the body politic as fragrant as roses. There’s a joke in here about Bush… Best to let it go.

Personally, I think Gibbs is doing a bang-up job, and deserves a big round of clap for his efforts.

But it not just Gibbs that’s a douche. Anyone who goes about telling the public that what they’re smelling in Washington is success, falls into the same category.

This makes Vice President Joe Biden a douche too. Likewise, the President’s advisers Rahm Emanuel and David Axelrod are both douches. Janet Napolitano is a big douche. Little Timmy Geithner, douche. The Award Winning Democrat Congress, yep, douches. Plus all of the Main Stream Media, every labor union boss, some religious leaders, a butt-load of lobbyist, a bunch of Wall Street types, and several CEOs and boards of bailed-out companies are all douches. The list goes on, and on, and…

We’re surrounded by douches!

Correctly give the number of times the word douche or its plural shows up in this post, and win absolutely nothing. FIAR gets pissed-off when I give away stuff. What a douche.

Les James runs a Douche Free Zone at both Sideshow Mirrors and Mild Max.