Political Humor

Barack Obama is in the Oval Office with Bob Gibbs…

Obama: “Bob, send that Jon Favreau kid in here. I need a speech written and I also want to compliment him on the great job he did in Couples Retreat.”

Bob: “That’s another Jon Favreau sir, the actor and director. Our John is the youngest speech writer ever, remember?”

Obama: “Yes, that’s right. I’ve been so busy getting things done in my first nine months I got them confused.”

Jon enters the Oval Office and sits down across from Obama.

Jon: “You needed me sir?”

Obama: “Jon, no need to salute me. Put your right hand and arm down.”

Jon: “Yes sir.”

Obama: “Jon, I’m going to Switzerland tomorrow and I need a good speech. I want to let them know that even though we have been enemies we hold out our hand in peace.”

Jon: “I think Switzerland is a neutral country.”

Obama: “Let me be clear. We must have something to apologize to them for.”

Jon: “Hmm they did recently arrest Roman Polanski.”

Obama: “He’s not supposed to be arrested. He’s one of us. How did that happen?”

Bob: “You authorized Eric Holder to sign off on the arrest warrant.”

Obama: “Oh yes, I remember now. I’ve been so busy with the Olympics and making decisions on Afghanistan…have you seen my Nobel Prize Jon?”

Jon: “You’ve shown it to me numerous times. Quite remarkable I might add. About the speech…”

Obama: “Of course. Let’s apologize for arresting Polanski then.”

Jon: “Done and done.”

Bob: “Only seventy-three more countries on the appeasement list.”

Obama: “Who’s next?”

Bob: “Luxembourg.”

Obama: “Jon, include them too in the speech. Apologize for World War Two.”

Jon: “I think they were our allies.”

Obama: “Make no mistake. We must have done something to offend them, especially in the last eight years.”

Jon: “I’ll add a line or two about Bush’s policies.”

Obama: “Good. That should do it. One thing though Jon. Save your energy because we have a big speech to write next week.”

Jon: “China sir?”

Obama: “You bet. We have to apologize for the Dali Lama’s visit.”

Jon: “But you didn’t meet with him.”

Obama: “We let him come to America. China must be mad at us.”

Bob: “We did order the Empire State Building to use red and yellow lighting to mark the anniversary of communist China.”

Obama: “Yes but make no mistake. We owe them an apology.”

Jon: “So is that it sir? I’d like to get started on the speech.”

Obama: “You may go.”

Jon leaves the Oval Office

Obama: “Damn it!”

Bob: “What is it sir?”

Obama: “I forgot to ask him when Iron Man II is coming out.”

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Chris Cameron is a writer/columnist/beat reporter for Radioactive Liberty. You can also read his odd form of mostly non-political humor at his blog Angry Seafood.

Intro to a lengthy post

In a fatty of a RL Inquirer exclusive, today we’ll explore the no stems, no seeds side of American politics. Our team of crack undercover, investigative reporters have left no stone gathering moss in pursuit of a good story, and lacking that… the truth.

We dressed like housewives. We dressed like students. Sometimes in suit and a tie. Oops, sorry, that was for the Town Hall meetings. Which reminds me. Chris C, my wife wants her skirt and blouse back. Oh, and she told me to tell you that you’ve got nice legs.

Ramble on

So, let’s get on with this fine piece of journalism.

It’s rather apparent to me that our high government officials are smoking something. How else can you explain the utter stupidity we’re getting for leadership? You know what I think they’re passing around in the Congressional Cloakroom and Oval Office? Funny Money, and it’s the best funny money that, ah, money can buy.

I’m not aiming this accusation only at the Democrats. Oh, no. At the very least, you Republicans are guilty of hanging around and getting a contact buzz. Though I suspect many of you have been taking a few hits too.

Congress has been flyin’ high, and not on a new fleet of Gulfstream G5s. Here’s an idea, why not pass a Bill stating that they can do that whenever they like? I’ve got a list of cliffs and tall building where they could practice. Sorry. Zoning out in a pleasant daydream again.

Get on with it, already

Why’s this happening? Simple. In an age of Roll You’re Own pork barrel projects and Johnny Can’t Read representation, it makes perfect sense to believe you can do almost anything you want as a member of Congress. Who’s going to stop ‘em? A bunch of angry, Un-American, political terrorist? Perish the thought.

What does all of this have to do with Funny Money? Not a thing.(Enter an awkward transitional sentence and segue back to our topic de jour… or not.)

When you think about it, it all makes sense. Joint sessions of Congress gain a whole new meaning. These guys have been burning cash like a frat party goes through Pabst Blue Ribbon. Congress has got the munchies, big time. The only thing that seems to help fill that hunger, is more spending.

Except the country’s flat ass broke. There’s no way they can afford this fine smoke, can they? No, but your grandchildren can. With prices falling in the housing market, unemployment nearing double digits, and the value of the U.S. dollar hovering around that of Zimbabwe’s, you wouldn’t think the Greenback was worth the paper it was printed on. And up until Obama took office, you’d have been right.

A bit of back story

Secretly over the last six months, almost all of the U.S. folding currency has been removed from circulation and replaced. But instead of the U.S. Mint handling the manufacture of the new dollars, Obama’s Currency Czar, Michael Phelps, has set up a clandestine printing operation in Eugene, Oregon.

Former 1970′s employees of the Zig-Zag rolling paper company have been assembled in Eugene to work at a shut down lumber mill, that houses this secret plant. The mill was closed some years ago because a single breading pair of spotted owls was seen vacationing in a nearby old-growth forest. Since burned-out hippies are a common sight in this town and these laid-back workers haven’t attracted any unwanted attention.

The high cotton content of the old bucks has been replaced a high hemp content in the new. Strong, durable, much “greener” than the traditional blue jeans material -and usually associated with man purses- hemp in and of itself is not much good for finding humor Pauly Shore movies. Lacking all but tract amounts of THC, the new currency is given its punch through dye made from the leaves of pot plants. The actual extraction method is closely guarded and known only to a few Rastafarian craftsmen.

This program goes back many years, and was the brain child of Bill “I never inhaled” Clinton. He began the program by working with groups on both sides of the border. Upstanding Mexican citizens have been moving the product into the country for years. It’s been processed and stored in various locations across the country, awaiting the day production could begin.

Don’t think Bush wasn’t in on it too. Why do you think he never closed the border and had such a difficult time pronouncing nuclear? Didn’t that lame smile ever make you wonder?

Back to the Future

If you’ve been asking yourself, ‘where all the money’s going?’ It’s going up in smoke. The EPA has estimated that all that cash burning will raise the global temperature .0002 degrees centigrade, over the next year. This will cause the polar ice caps to melt an addition 50%. And that will be enough to flood New Orleans, The Hampton, and polish off the Galapagos Islands. Easter Island will barely be able to keeps its heads above water. But do these 60′s dope smokers care? No. They only care about where their next stash of cash will come from.

Living high on the hog, instead of lighting their Havanas with hundred dollar bills, now Congress is puffing on C notes. (This is in no way a homo joke about Larry Craig or Barney Frank.) Although a problem has arisen with our new legal tender. The North Koreans have been counterfeiting our currency. Apparently they’ve been using toilet paper as a base material -causing a shortage in their own country. Unfortunately, or maybe fortunately, not all of the TP is virginal.

Next time you see your representative looking like they’ve just smoked some good shit, you’ll know why.

[ed: that was a long frikkin' way to go for a sorry punchline]