Political Humor

New Year’s Day bits and pieces

Once you can finally focus today, you may be interested in whats been going on as of late.

In a nut shell

Congress adjourned, the temps in D.C. dropped. Not from decreased CO2, but from the lack of  hot air.

Speaking of Carbon Footprints, Liberals opened thousands and thousands of bottles of bubbly champagne around midnight last night, releasing untold amounts of Earth killing greenhouse gas into the fragile atmosphere.

Why don’t you just put your hands over a baby manatee’s blowhole?

What? Oh, a little poison’s OK, as long as it’s not coming from an evil corporation. Hypocrites.

For you conservatives who celebrated in the same way, good going. You helped stave-off global cooling. Be sure to let your gas guzzling SUV’s warm-up extra long today.

Meanwhile in Afghanistan, Janet Napolitano is on the border with Pakistan. She’s there to give advice on how to secure a border.

And Obama still hasn’t found bin Laden. Where could he be?

In Hawaii, Michelle Obama is getting fatter, while berating us for our extra pounds. It’s been said by the MSM, she’s packing on the weight because of the stress. It’s all right for her to be stressed and stuff her pie hole.

What does she have to be worried about anyway? Losing her new home in two years, that’s what.  Whatever will they do?

What’s the President been up to? Besides being photographed without his shirt, well…

The following was found crumpled on the floor after a recent White House Press Corpse Briefing. The source appears to be Robert Gibbs.

Note to self: Palin fits all her notes on her palm. Find pen that will write on mine. It’s too greasy from constantly jerking-off the public.

1. Situation in Gulf

Warm-up those brain-dead press sycophants with an opening statement.

The President wants the American people to know, he loves Black Folk. This is why he’s causing the wind to break-up the oil slick into small, Earth Friendly drops. Unlike George Bush, who steered Katrina into the Big Easy, and then blew-up the levees.

2. Oil Jokes.

Oil spill? What oil spill? More oil drips off of David Axelrod’s head every day then is leaking in the Gulf.

The BP leak is no crisis. If it where, Rahm Emanual wouldn’t be wasting it.

Speaking of British Petroleum, years ago Americans dumped English Tea into the waters of Boston Harbor. Now the Brits are dumping Texas Tea into our waters.

Don’t worry about the recent dip in the Stock Market. Pork futures are down. Is this mike on? Hello. Pending European bailouts of the P.I.G.S.? Portugal, Ireland, Greece, Spain? Pork futures? Get it?

Getting off oil topic humor: Who ever brought the Shar-Pei in here will have to… Oops, my mistake, it’s Helen Thomas. Sorry, Helen. Oh… no… Helen… please… don’t… walk… out.

3. Spin Doctoring the Muslim Times Square Bomber

The person arrested for the alleged car bombing attempt in Times Square, will now be known as the Guy Once Thought to be a Middle-Aged, White Male, or GOTMAWM for short. We’re pronouncing it Got Mom.

The Got Mom was obviously influenced by the Tea Party movement. His choice of car to blow-up says he hates foreigners, just like the Tea Baggers. The gasoline used in the failed bomb, is a symbol of the incendiary rhetoric used by these bigots, and the fireworks are a clear signal of just how the 4^th of July has been twisted into a call for open, bloody revolution.

The Justice Department, FBI, and Homeland Security are creating a joint task force to investigate everyone associated with this right-wing mob. We cannot allow people who have recently gained their US citizenship to be brainwashed into treasonous acts of wanton destruction and senseless violence. These Tea Bag Terrorist will be stopped.

4: Rednecks

The flooding in Tennessee is terrible, but the President wants the people of Nashville to know, he will take action soon. Soon as the Grand Ole Opry promises not to reopen.

5: Finish-up

In conclusion, currently your Government is not doing everything it can for you, But we’re working on it. It’s just going to take a bit more sacrifice on everyone’s part. Remember, when it comes to your hard earned money, we take it… seriously. 

Take no questions. Go smoke a bowl with VP.

Astute Observation of the Day

What makes BP think that putting a dome over the well will contain anything? We put a dome over Congress years ago.

The Obama Administration started the Cars.gov Cash for Clunkers Program to stimulate auto sales, and also to take older, less fuel efficient cars off the road. The program is designed to allow auto dealers to scrap the buyer’s trade in and receive an additional $3500 or $4500 depending on what’s being traded in and what’s being bought.

Image Credit: Unloved Car

The problem is that the government isn’t actually paying the dealers for the trade ins. That’s government at it’s finest for you. Of course, the Obama Administration is spinning this as a success, because so many people are buying new cars under the program that government workers can’t keep up with the paperwork. Obviously, whenever a government handout is so popular that the government can’t meet the demands of it’s citizens, that’s a major success. Social Security anyone?

I don’t know. ObamaCare is just sounding better and better isn’t it?

“I’m sorry. We really want to treat you for your tragic illness, but the program is such a raging success that government employees are having a hard time filing all the necessary paperwork. Hello. Hello? Damnit! Another one died while awaiting treatment. Now I have to file the paperwork for that too.”

Back on the topic of Cash for Clunkers, what I think the Obama Administration really needs are some good excuses to keep Auto Dealers off their back until they can make good on the vouchers. With that, here are the

Top 10 Reasons the Cash for Clunkers Program Isn’t Paying Dealers

10. Michelle clogged the toilet and you wouldn’t believe how much it costs to get a plumber in the White House at 3am on a Sunday.

9. We had to pay off Tim Geithner’s tax debts.

8. Do you know how much it costs to cover up our effort to take ownership of everyone’s computers?

7. Hillary Clinton wanted to finalize the sex change operation.

6. Barney Frank got a great real estate deal on Beachfront property in Arizona.

5. This is just fantasy, like a movie!

4. Oh yeah, well where’s MY bailout money?

3. You’ll get your money right after Malia and Sash get their unicorns.

2. The Check is in the mail.

1. Payday isn’t until April 15th, but we’ll totally pay you right away just as soon as we get paid.

You can either leave your own favorite lame excuses in the comments section or retweet this on Twitter.