Political Humor

Brave Sir Glenn has gone in search of warriors to help in his fight against the evil Shadow of Obamanation. His travels have taken him to the site of the Republican Party’s Election Day Massacre. A dark figure stands in the midst of the carnage. Sir Glenn doesn’t recognize the Black Knight, due to the bucket on his head.

Sir Glenn: “You read with the smooth and practiced words of many men, Sir Knight.”

[The Black Knight doesn't respond, which is very weird]

Sir Glenn: “I am Glenn of Beck, of the Order of Reagan.”

[No response]

Sir Glenn: “I seek the bravest and the finest knights in the land to join me, to fight the smiley faced fascism, which spreads across our fair land.”

[No response]

Sir Glenn: “You have proved yourself a worthy adversary. Will you change your views and join me?”

[Still, no response]

Sir Glenn: “You make me sad. So be it. I shall now go back to Conservalot, the Shining City on the Hill. I know… it’s not a very good name. But it does have a grail-shaped swimming pool.”

[Sir Glenn attempts to get around the Black Knight, who draws his sword ]

Black Knight: “None from the Radical Right shall pass.”

Sir Glenn: “What did you say?”

Black Knight: “No Republican shall pass!”

Sir Glenn: “I’m not a Republican. I’m a Conservative, and I’ve no time to parry words with you any longer, Sir Knight. I must go back. I have a show to do on Fox.”

Black Knight: “Fox is it? Then you shall die.”

Sir Glenn: “In the name of the Founding Fathers and the Constitution, I command you to stand aside!”

Black Knight: “I move for no old, balding, white man.”

Sir Glenn: “If you didn’t have that bucket stuck on your head, you’d see the only thing you had correct was the white part! And it’s doughy white.”

Black Knight: “Don’t bother me with your “facts”.”

[Sir Glenn draws his weapon and they fight until he cuts off the Black Knight's tiny penis with the Sword of Righteousness]

Sir Glenn: “Now, stand aside. You have been neutered!”

Black Knight: “‘Tis but a scratch!”

Sir Glenn: “Yeah, in this case, that’s true, but it is your peter laying on the ground after all.”

Black Knight: “No it’s not.”

Sir Glenn: “Yes it is. I can see your detached, little Vienna sausage resting in the leaves on the forest floor, like an expired goldfish. It’s gone ‘yon to that Great Veil. It’s dead as a doornail. A fallen soldier, never to salute again. Roadkill. Worm food. A past tense baby maker. Cold as a witch’s bosom. It’s an ex-peter!

Black Knight: “No, it isn’t! That’s not mine.  It’s…It’s  Hillary Clinton’s.”

Sir Glenn: “Please. I don’t think so. Hillary’s is much larger.”

Black Knight: “OK then, it’s Michelle’s.”

Sir Glenn: “Yuck! That’s sick!”

Black Knight: “Come on, you homophobe!”

[They fight again. Glenn cuts off the Knight's right arm]

Sir Glenn: “Victory is mine!”

[Sir Glenn kneels to pray]

Sir Glenn: “We thank thee Lord, that in thy mercy…”

[The Black Knight picks up a teleprompter with his remaining hand and arm, and swings at Sir Glenn’s head and misses.]

Black Knight: “Come on then, Bible Thumper. Fight me like a…a…citizen of the world.”

Sir Glenn: “What? I’ve cut off your arm.”

Black Knight: “I’ve had worse.  Anyway, I don’t need my right arm. I need nothing on the right. I’m a Lefty!”

Sir Glenn: “You are indeed a left-handed fool, Sir Knight, but the fight is mine!”

[Sir Glenn cuts off the Black Knight’s left arm]

Black Knight: “Oh, had enough, then eh?”

Sir Glenn: “Look, you stupid socialist. You’ve got no arms left. It’s over.”

Black Knight: “I’m the Black Knight! I’m too big to fail! I’m omnipotent!”

Sir Glenn: “You’re a raving moonbat!”

[Sir Glenn pushes by the Black Knight]

Black Knight: “I have two good legs. I can still walk on water! I’ll chase you down wherever you go and kick the dog crap out of you.”

Sir Glenn: “Whatever.”

[Sir Glenn cuts both of the Black Knight’s legs of with one swing of the Sword of Righteousness]

Black Knight: “Come back here bigot! I’ll do you!”

Sir Glenn: “With what? Besides, do I look like Barney Frank?”

Black Knight: “It’s because I’m half black isn’t it? Fine. I win then, you racist.”

Throwing Down the Gauntlet: Since our President can give one speech in Cairo and change the course of events in the Muslim world, I believe we too can influence the views of, at least, a few. Come-on Rush, just admit you read Radioactive Liberty and use us for show prep. I heard you mention Scrappleface the other day. We’re funnier and you know it. Fess-up.

President Barack *Hussein Obama’s Top Ten Apology List

10. I apologize for Gitmo. As a student of history, I know if it wasn’t for that torture chamber, Iran would have never taken Americans hostage in ’79.

9. I apologize for Joe Biden. No excuses, I just apologize. I swear that man’s head is a rock with lips.

8. I apologize for not getting the middle class more involved in sacrificing for the common good. But don’t worry, I’ve got the VAT and Cap and Trade just around the corner. That should make them feel better.

7. I apologize for *Little Timmy Geithner. He’s hard to take seriously. I should have picked someone that doesn’t look like Howdy Doody.

6. I apologize for taking my wife out for a date to New York, on the public dime. That was uncalled for. I’m the President of the United States, I can do better. I’m making it up to Michelle by giving her and my daughters a trip to Paris.

5. I apologize for not actually walking on water…yet.

4. I apologize for Hillary Clinton. That bitch has ballooned out so much, she can’t fit into her pantsuits. That makes me look bad, going around the world with that big, ghetto booty.

3. I apologize for being half white. I thought I was the Master of the Dark Side, but now I find out Darth Vader is my father!

2. I apologize for George and Barbara Bush being pro-life.

And the number one thing that I apologize for:

I apologize for my big ears. But understand, they’re not my fault. Like the economy, I inherited them.

* It’s okay to use Obama’s middle name now, since he’s revealed that we are one of the world’s largest Muslim nations.

* This just proves Rush Limbaugh reads Radioactive Liberty.  There have been far too many times when he’s said something “new” that had appeared here first, for it to be coincidence. I started calling Geithner “Little Timmy” way back on Dec 1st .  As far as I’m concerned, Rush can use me as show prep anytime and unless I hear from him, I’m going on the assumption that I’m right.

President Obama recently met with French President Sarkozy during the European Leg of his Apologize for America Tour. For some reason, Sarkozy didn’t seem to take a shine to the Chosen One.

The Subversive Conservatives @ Radioactive Liberty have obtained a transcript of their conversation.

Obama: So Nick, what did you think of my speech apologizing for America dissing Europe?

Sarkozy: First off Barack, I am Mr President to you. Not Nick, Nicky, or Nicolas understand? Second I do not understand this “dissing”.

Obama: So Nick, what did you think of my apolog… Hang-on, I’ve already read that… Yeah, just scroll down a bit… There you are. Stop. Perfect… Anyway, dissing. You know, like to disrespect. America has disrespected you guys over here for far too long. Reagan dissed you, Bush dissed you.  The other Bush dissed you. Clinton just wanted a blow job. Hehehe, I added that last one myself… Stay on message. Do not try to do this on your own… Oh, I wasn’t supposed to read that last part aloud. Sorry, I apologize.

Sarkozy: Yes, I can see you are sorry and very bad at ad lib, but the French are far more sorry.

Obama: Oh please, my country has much more to be sorry for than France. We tortured prisoners with caterpillars!

Sarkozy: HA! We French build cars that are so bad that it is torture just to drive one. And we sell them to ourselves!

Obama: That’s pretty sorry, but I can top it. America will immediately and unconditionally pull out of Pakistan.

Sarkozy: You are not in Pakistan.

Obama: What? John Kerry told me he spent Christmas in Pakistan.

Sarkozy: You see, I am right. Europe and especially France has much more to apologize for than your baby-aged country will ever have. You have not been around long enough to have gone through the Spanish Inquisition, the Middle Ages, or the Crusades. We have far more to be sorry about than America will ever have.

Obama: You don’t know what you’re talking about.  What about slavery, WWI, WWII, Korea and Viet Nam?

Sarkozy: We had our own slaves and we ran away in WWI, WWII and Viet Nam. We also sent exactly one ship and an entire battalion of snobby waiters to your Korean war. So there. What do you have to say now, huh? You can not possibly beat that. I win.

Obama: Yeah, well. Yeah… Well… Well… I have a small penis!

Sarkozy: What?

Obama: I said, I have a small penis!

Sarkozy: You are trying to shame me. There is no way your penis is smaller than mine. We French pride ourselves on our minuscule manhood.

Obama: That’s right Nicky. You know I’m only half black and the white half is way tiny.

Sarkozy: I do not believe you. American’s are known around the world for winning all of your, how you say, pissing contest. That requires a very large…

Obama: Peter? Not me bucko. Now you know why I apologize so damn much. It’s so small I can only tinkle down my leg.

Sarkozy: I challenge you prove your claim. Right here! Right now!

Obama: Okay, but I have to warn you, I don’t have any balls either.

Sarkozy: It is true! Your penis is smaller than mine and you do not have any balls!

Obama: Oui, oui, Sarkozy. I have a wee wee-wee.

Sarkozy: I hate you! I hate America!