Political Humor

Welcome, ladies and gentlemen to the 2008 Radioactive Liberty Presidential Debate. I’m your host, Kevin Dubrow, and before my untimely death last week, I banged heads with some of the Democratic and Republican candidates.

Like with the YouTube format, we have an innovation that will have metal health drive you mad. Over the last week we have been taking questions from Yahoo Answers, and we rocked hard with the best ones.

For Hillary Clinton: “Spill your secrets”
~Gothic in Gainsville, GA

“I once had sex with James Brolin to get back at Bill for hooking up with Monica. I was also pissed at Streisand at the time.”

For John McCain: “So who hates Mexicans?”
~Hoity-toity in Holbrook, Ma

“May I give the translation? Ha ha ha! That’s an excellent question. You might know that there was a poll out yesterday that showed me behind France in popularity but ahead of Mexicans, so I say let’s hate the French.”

“Is it my turn yet?”

Not yet Dennis.

For Mitt Romney: “Regular or Magic underwear?”
~Trendy in Trenton, NJ

“I come before you not as the Mormon Presidential candidate but rather the Presidential Mormon candidate. Elect me and all of you get magic underwear.”

For Rudy Guliani:
“According to the Declaration of Independence, who gives a government power?”
~Kombattled in Kansas City, Miss

“Noun verb 9/11.”

“How about now? Can I answer a question now?”

Not yet Dennis.

For Barack Obama: “A farmer wishes to plant seven apple trees in three rows with exactly three trees in each row. How does he do it?”
~Fashion-less in Fort Worth, Tex

“I don’t have experience planting trees but neither did tree planters. We invade Pakistan and get more land so we don’t have to be restricted to rows of three. You can’t leave options off the table when it comes to orchards and diplomacy.”

For Ron Paul: “Where in Europe did the Vikings attack during the Dark Ages?”
~Exposed in Eureka, Wash

“I’m not sure, but if they attacked Europe again we would have no business being involved. If Vikings attack the homeland then we should defend it.”

“Cmon, ask me a question! When it is my turn?”

Not yet.

For Mike Huckabee: “Help about dumb blond jokes?”
~Mystical in Montgomery, Ala

“A blond tries to do her taxes. See, I told you we need to get rid of the Federal Income Tax.”

For John Edwards: “If I begin an exercise routine, will I begin to lose weight with the same diet?”
~Pity-less in Pittsburg, Penn

“No because of the Neo-cons! You won’t lose weight because the system is broken. It is rigged. The Neo-cons want to march us all into the war on poverty. We need less corporate Democrats.”

“God Damn it when do I get to answer a question!!”

Sorry, Dennis but we are out of time. Thank you to all the candidates for your candid answers. I’m Kevin Dubrow saying goodnight from Radioactive Liberty studios. Keep banging your heads everyone and make sure you vote.

Humor-Blogs.com uses the elfin magic of Dennis Kucinich.

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Chris Cameron is not Kevin Dubrow. He is very much alive and you can read his other works of oddness at hishumor blog, Angry Seafood.

I am destined to be the Cruel, Deranged, Bloodthirsty, Despot of the Universe, so I have no need for things like campaign platforms and elections. However, since I will soon be 35 years of age, and a natural born American citizen, I’m actually eligible for the job.

I have just as much experience at being President as all the front runners, by which I mean none. As an added bonus, I’m probably only half as corrupt. Of course, I would still enthusiastically abuse any power given to me, but I don’t have the running start they do.

In the coming election, I plan to vote for myself, because no one can represent my views as well as I can. Let’s face the facts. I have a perfect record of agreeing with my political views. Any other candidate could only come close.

Obviously, I need to determine what my first act as President would be. If I’m going to vote for myself, I need to know what I stand for. I’m not going to vote for a candidate without being well informed on his agenda. It’s an essential step in voting with a clear conscience.

We need a better energy policy.

It occurred to me that we need a better energy policy. With our ability to drill for domestic oil being sabotaged by dirty hippie eco-commies, foreign oil being controlled by psychotic nutjobs, hysterical pseudo-scientific ravings about global warming, and an ever growing demand for energy in India and China, we really need to take control of our energy needs.

• We could use nuclear energy, but dirty hippies stand in the way.
• We could drill in ANWR, but dirty hippies stand in the way.
• We could invade other countries and steal their oil, but dirty hippies stand in the way.

It seems clear that every good solution to our energy problems has a common thread → Dirty hippies standing in the way of progress.

I was struck with an epiphany. All of our problems can be resolved by developing an alternative energy source out of dirty hippies. All living things contain carbon, and thus, the possibility of being transformed into an energy source.

The benefits of Hippie fuel.

In addition to providing the nation with it’s energy needs, using hippies as fuel also solves the problem of hippies standing in the way of progress.

• Every time a hippie protests our plans to invade a country of fanatical blood cultists, he gets turned into a few more gallons per mile for our citizens.
• Whenever someone attempts to advance Communism under the disguise of protecting our ecology, a recycling plant can continue to operate a little cheaper.
• Wherever global warming is mentioned, a poor person will keep a little warmer for the winter.
• Anytime a new nuclear facility is opposed, the city lights will stay on a little longer.

Hippies also seem to think that the Earth is overpopulated, and that humans are not part of the ecosystem, but rather, a deadly plague to our planet. It seems like they would be perfect volunteers to help solve both problems simultaneously, by agreeing to be ground into an oily paste.

I’ve even invented a great product name and catchy marketing slogan for my alternative hippie fuel. I figured out that hippies like soy, “Green” is the catch-all phrase of choice for their crypto-Communism, and I plan to turn them into oil.

I combined the words “soy, oil, and green.” I call it “Soylent Green.” I’ll have to look up and make sure the name isn’t already trademarked or something.

I know you’re already blown away by my awesome idea, but wait until you check out my marketing campaign.

Of the people, By the people, For the people. Soylent Green – It’s made of people!™

As genius as my idea is, I realized that it would take a bit of public support to get it passed into law. So I decided that instead of shooting for my revolutionary energy policy right off the bat, I would start by creating a new public holiday. Everyone would cheer, “Yay! Another day off with pay!” My popularity would shoot through the roof.

Then I would pass my hippie fuel bill. Then I would tax the poor.

What would you do as your first act as President?

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