Political Humor

Hi, I’m JumpOut. Welcome to this Grand Old Party. Today, we’ll be looking at foundations. Foundations are very tricky to work with, but are of the utmost importance. If the foundation isn’t strong enough, or if the rest of the party isn’t built squarely upon the foundation, it will fail catastrophically.

Now, I’ve inspected this foundation, and I’ve found several things out of place. There are a few minor things that by themselves won’t cause catastrophic failure. There are also a couple of serious problems that if left unchecked will cause this party to collapse and kill anyone whose political career is underneath it.

We’ll start with the minor problems. There are a couple of joints in the foundation that don’t seem to meshing well. Do you see right here where the protectionist/isolationist meets free-trade? It’s causing some friction. There’s also some friction being caused by the Christian right rubbing up against the the South Park conservative. We’ll need to work this area where they meet to get them to mesh. We’ll need to apply a few fixes.

First, we’ll need some “The economy is a world economy” thinset. Once that dries we’ll have to apply some “stop giving free stuff to countries that hate us and ask for nothing in return” caulking. Once that joint is taken care of, we’ll have to sink some “all laws reflect someone’s morality” rebar, and cover the holes with “increasing the size of government for your pet Christian cause is still increasing the size of government” patches.

Now, on to the more serious problems. The previous two tenants of this party treated it poorly. They tried to pull the party away from the foundation. You see how it’s starting to lean? If this keeps going, this party will not be able to stand. Luckily, though this problem is serious, it only requires a simple, mechanical, fix. We’re going to take a sledgehammer, and beat the party back in line with the foundation. Simple enough. There is only one problem: We may not be able to swing the sledgehammer hard enough to move the party. Only time will tell.

Now, the most devastating problem with this Grand Old Party. Look at this rotten fiscal responsibility plank. This is one of load-bearing planks in this party. You see all that cash caked on to the plank? It’s all gunked up and needs some serious attention. It’s almost rotten right down to the core. We have to either remove the plank, or douse it in bleach and kill the biological cause of the decay. Because the owners of this party are traditionalists, we’re going to try to poor bleach on it, and see if there is anything salvageable underneath. If not, we’ll get a cult of personality plank from Lowe’s to replace it. It’s much more expensive, but it’s pretty, and easy to install.

Thanks for joining us today on This Grand Old Party. Tune in again in two years, and we’ll see how much progress has been made on these repairs. Hopefully we’ll be able to fix all these problems in no longer than four years. So, until next time, I’m JumpOut and this has been another presentation of This Grand Old Party. Goodnight.

In case you were interested, you can get plenty of JumpOut at his own law enforcement humor and political satire blog, You Should Be Tasered. JumpOut would also like to note Les James is big fat liar. JumpOut’s ego is much bigger than his head.

Image: Leaning House bu Ingorr

He Blinded Me with Political Science

If you just happened to stumble upon this article and don’t know who Rush Limbaugh is, then you should probably head back to Google, so you can keep searching for a site with fewer words, that has pretty pictures of butterflies and cute little kitty cats on it.

But before you go, yes, the title to this section is a take-off of the early eighty’s hit tune by Thomas Dolby. Known as a “One Hit Wonder,” Dolby has since made a fortune by creating cell phone ring tones. Who would have thunk?

All right, I’ve done my part. Maybe you’ve learned something today, maybe not. Now get out of here and go find some more mush, to help fill-in the void behind your vacant eyes. That’s right. Go Away. Scat! Humm…scat’s mushy.

For the rest of you, love him or hate him, Rush is a juggernaut, who’s sway cannot be denied. He influences those who agree with him through his insightful views on all things political. And he influences those who hate him by forcing them to defend their mostly untenable positions.

Personally, I listen to him a couple of times a week, because I think he’s funny. OK, he’s right a lot of the time too and once in a while, he does blind-side me with his unique take on a subject.

Like Poetry in Motion

Hillary Clinton was in trouble. Her numbers we’re dropping faster than Bubba’s boxers. What to do? What to do?

With the in-house opposition to the ultra-liberal, Barack Hussein Obama flagging, who was going to ask the tough questions about him? Get his troubling past trotted out into the sunshine? It sure wasn’t going to be the weak in the knees, wimpy Republican Party. That’s for sure.

As most of you know, Limbaugh started Operation Chaos to resurrect the far left, army of bell hops carrying her baggage, Hillary Clinton campaign by asking his devotees to vote for her in their state’s primaries.

The idea was to keep her in the running for as long as possible, so that she would continue asking those questions. You know, doing the jobs Republicans won’t do. McCain is already a shoe-in for the GOP nomination, so there was nothing to lose on that end.

Well, what about John McCain? Won’t he stand-up and throw a few good punches at Obama? Sorry, ain’t going to happen. He’s cast his eyes to the left, looking for the votes of disaffected democrats and undecided moderates. A self professed friend of Ronald Regan, he’s set the Great Communicator spinning like a top, in his grave.

This once great war hero, turned weenie, is afraid to confront Obama because he’s black. Hillary is packing a set of big brass… knuckles, and she isn’t afraid to use ‘em against Obama. McCain, on the other hand, is still rummaging through his dresser drawers looking for his kid gloves.

So there are our three contestants or as I’d like to call them, the Axis of Asininity.

Meanwhile, Rush continues to wax eloquently.

It’s Alive

It’s hard to quantify the success of Operation Chaos, but one way or another, Hillary’s been given a new lease on her political aspirations. She’s not going anywhere until they either nominate her or they have to remove her embedded fingernails from the exit doorjamb at the Democrat Party convention in Denver.

For now, she just keeps running her mouth and Obama stupidly reacts, with typically Pavlovian Responses. While this is all great fun to watch, maybe the best part is listening to the liberals refuting Operation Chaos’s effects. The whole thing’s become a parody of itself. I couldn’t write something this hilarious.

One thing’s for sure, we simply can’t afford to let that “I’ve got more time in the Jon then he’s got in Congress”, velvet toned, misspoken, quasi-socialist, ill-experienced, Enviro-Mental, well heeled, elitist, Chicago-style politician, with all of his radical advisors and mouthy wife, move into the White House. But mostly it’s his mouthy wife. On second thought, she’d be a hoot at State functions.

I can hear him now, speaking to us from the Oval Office (it’s not 3AM):

→ My fellow Americans, This is President Obama, I love that way that sounds. Anyway, I may not have said something as well as I could have. But I want it to be known, that it’s not my fault that they all took it the wrong way. My advisors have informed me that this misunderstanding most likely will be blamed on the spin given to my statement, by conservative talk radio.

I’m leaving right after this broadcast, on my bike, to an emergency session at the UN. There, I will insist upon a tersely worded mandate. It will demand that Russian, China, North Korea, India, France, Pakistan, Israel and…one moment please. Am I reading this right? I am, huh. OK. And Iran, immediately recall all of their nuclear missiles, that they launched 18 minutes ago. Let me repeat. I said nuclear, not nukuler.

This mandate will further require that the I.A.E.A. monitor for strict compliance. Any nation failing to follow it, to the letter, will be subject to stronger wording in the next mandate.

I’d personally like to thank Great Britain for showing restraint by not launching their missiles. On a brighter note, many of these countries do not have ICMB capability, so those nuclear weapons will fall harmlessly on neighboring countries.

I’ll keep you informed as to my progress, through my press sectary, Rosie O’Donnell. Thank you and have a nice day.←

OK, so McCain’s our guy. Right? Not so fast. Look at his record on almost anything other than national defense and he’s no go too. He says he’s for lower taxes but I’m not convinced when I see his take on climate change and fixing the borders.

I think he’s afraid that the lawns at his Arizona place won’t get cut, and even if he still does have a staff, soon it’s going to be too hot for them to grow anything. There may be a sippy cup half full of Kool-Aid sitting around his office somewhere.

His stance on those two items alone, are going to cost us billions every year. It’s got to come from somewhere. Look at it this way, his reach across the aisle approach only means that the Dems aren’t as likely to oppose him, while his party will rubberstamp his idiotic proposals. If he wants it, Congress will likely give it to him, and in turn they’re going to give it to us.

That only leaves Hillary. Hold on there a minute. Am I seriously suggesting that she might be the best choice? No, not really. But some in the know, have suggested that she and Bill have pissed-off so many people in their party, that they might vote against her out of spite. Republicans will have no reason to go along, so it could be, that almost nothing will get accomplished during her one term. In this instance, nothing is good.

We’re dealing with a Progressive here, after all. And remember that their idea of progress is not a forward movement. Oh, yeah one more thing. There’s Nancy Pelosi. She’s not about to play second female fiddle to anyone. Can you say catfight? I’m giving 2 to 1 odds on Nancy.

So, in the end, Operation Chaos could have the unintended effect of seeing the first woman president seated in the Oval Office. The upside is, Bill could retrieve some of his wardrobe. And maybe there’s a side benefit to boot, the government –for the first time in a long time- will be doing the will of the people. Which is to say, leaving us alone.

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When I was a strapping young lad, when thoughts of writing political humor columns were years away, there were often times when I had to choose between two things in the toy store I wanted to buy. Unfortunately this was during the Carter regime so our family couldn’t afford both. Unlike a lot of children my age at the time I was at least lucky enough to buy something to occupy my time waiting in line for gasoline.

So whenever I had to make this choice between two things I liked I left disappointed every time. The entire way home I mulled over the toy I did not pick.

This is what it must be like being a Democratic voter in 2008. No matter what, a Democratic voter effectively determines whether they think a woman or a black man is better able to lead this country. Like me as a child they will have to think about their choice post-decision. Unlike them, I was picking which similar Lego kit I wanted most.

It all seemed so magical at first, didn’t it? After eight years of Bush the country’s political line changed quicker than a Clinton changes their story. Before you knew it, the trend of being a Democrat spread far and wide and eventually they took control of parts of Congress.

For the first time the Senate was led by an angry white woman Democrat who thinks she knows what is best for everyone, including the Colombians. We were nice enough to buy their cocaine all those years so why can’t we repay the favor with a trade agreement?

Then the nirvana of the Democratic Party finally came true in 2007. A woman and an African-American man announced they were running for President and it seemed like the party was destined to win back the Oval Office.

Meanwhile, on the Republican side it looked like a dogfight. The days of Reaganism and Alex P. Keaton seemed like distant memories as the Republican Party looked like the rudderless Dems of old.

But a funny thing happened on the way to the White House. The Democrats got stuck on which toy to buy. One week they want the Obama doll. The next they want the Hillary doll. They can’t decide which they want more, a black man or a woman running for President. The very progressiveness the Democrats sought has finally come back to bite them in the political ass.

What was that someone once said about wishes and being careful?

Chris Cameron writes this insane political humor post every Thursday here at Political Humor by Radioactive Liberty. He also writes odd and unusual humor at his own blog Angry Seafood.

Humor-blogs.com must have a funny blog with an Alex P. Keaton reference. Go there to find it.