Political Humor

Yesterday, in Part One of The Poop On Politicians And The 2012 Elections, we viewed politicians from the bottom up, and found out what they’re made of. Today, we discover what you’re made of.

Ass From A Hole In The Ground, Left From Right: This Is A Test

Before you go out to support a candidate this year, please take this pre-final exam:

Let’s Begin

Do a gut check of the person you’d like to see in office. Are they a politician? Or are they something far removed?

Do a figurative -or literal if you must- bowel check.

Next pretend it’s elections day and your candidate won. Now imagine the gut check in your right hand and the bowel check in your left. For those of you who are a little slow on this point, wish in one hand and shit in the other.

Your initial feeling from both should be warm and squishy.

Now try to imagine a short time later. A few hours should do.

By now your left hand will be feeling something cold and slimy. Not only that, but it stinks, and you’re really wishing you hadn’t done that. No matter how many times you repeat this experiment, the results are the same …the Left will always leave you hoping for change …a stiff brush, lye soap and a long, hot shower.

So what’s happening on the Right? Is it nasty, and does the vile odor wafting up make you wanna gag? Are you still wallowing in the Bog of Eternal Stench? Did you back yet another politician? What an asshole.

Or is it still warm, friendly and smells like a summer’s day after a rain? In this case, you didn’t elect a stealin’, deceivin’, poopy mouthed devil that you don’t trust as far as you can kick ‘em. Congratulations you passed. My hero!

What it all piles up to is, in world of hands the Left is only good for one thing. Woe be unto any who would except it as the hand of friendship, for it has nastiness under it’s fingernails.

Yea, verily, I say unto thee, the true, the correct …the right, Right is filled with goodness and RIGHTeousness, and welcomed by the faithful with open arms. The sun shines down upon us while the angles sing! The grass is greener on our side, and our hot tubs are filled to overflowing with milk and honey! Ah, scratch the last one. But still it’s mighty wonderful! Brothers and Sisters, can I get an amen?

Stepping out from behind the pulpit

This next election, I beg, I plead, please, please choose your candidates wisely and pick the right, Right people.

This in no way implies that Donald Trump was the right, Right. That guy’s been a corporate politician for decades. I can’t figure out how he combs his hair, let alone where he stand on the issues. Thank you Donald for bowing out. At least Mitch Daniels had the guts to tells us he actually cares about his family. Kudos, dude. Then there’s The Newt. Loser! Get your feet out of your mouth, and go make another documentary, or write a book or something, and stop muddying the waters, you dried-up old fart. And don’t get me started on that four-stringed guitar thumpin’ Huckabee Hound. Man am I glad he’s not running. Romney? Please. Hey, Mitt, do you and Trump share the same hairstylist? Oh, and are you going to have that campaign manager from last time? The one who looks like your stunt double? I thought you did your own stunts, like RomneyCare? Yeah, there’s a winning issue. By the way, Michele Bachmann has a bigger set of balls than any of you, and a nice pair up top too. Crap, I can’t get that image out of my head. Anyway, I could go on and on and on and…

Possible GOP candidates launched a listening tour in an attempt to “rebrand” the Republican Party. It’s about time we got with the program. Cool, hip, new brands are just what young people identify with. Just look at the success “rebranding” has enjoyed in the past.

There once was a fast food chain called “Burger King” that was getting it’s ass kicked by McDonalds all the time. They dropped all those extraneous letters and emerged as BK. The same thing happened with another fast food chain called Kentucky Fried Chicken. Apparently these companies decided that extra letters were the problem, not the shitty service and products at their restaurants.

Dropping extra letters has not been the only rebranding scheme that has had success. Sometimes products have had letters added, or different words altogether put in their names.

For instance, bat-shit crazy has been rebranded under several different names that have enjoyed some modicum of success. One such label for bat-shit crazy was “Global Warming“. When people used to run around telling everyone that the world was going to end, they were just considered bat-shit crazy, and usually only achieved the level of standing on street corners holding cardboard signs while shouting at passers-by. When they decided that they needed a new name, they took on the moniker of “Global Warming” and lots of people bought into their apocalyptic visions of the oceans swallowing up whole countries. Indeed, some enterprising people have come up with ways to make millions by capitalizing on bat-shit crazy‘s new found success.

It appears the “Global Warming” brand may have run it’s course. Bat-shit crazy people have now rebranded their special version of bat-shit crazy as “Climate Change” since it appears the prophecies of the bat-shit crazy community were wrong. “Global Warming” or as it is now known “Climate Change” is not the only version of bat-shit crazy to enjoy success.

There was once a time when people who believed the source of all human problems is an ancient alien race, they were considered bat-shit crazy, and relegated to standing on street corners holding cardboard signs while shouting at passers-by. At some point, a brilliant, but bat-shit crazy, marketer named L. Ron Hubbard decided to rebrand his version of bat-shit crazy as a religion called “Scientology.” He went from standing on street corners holding cardboard signs while shouting at passers-by to getting gazillions of dollars from vapid celebrities and plebes alike. His version of bat-shit crazy is still going strong today.

The success of rebranding is not exclusive to bat-shit crazy or fast food restaurants. Mass murder also enjoyed some success after being rebranded by a charismatic chap with a funny mustache. That chap, who by the way was also bat-shit crazy, was Adolf Hitler. He decided that mass murder needed a new brand. He called it “The Final Solution”. Germans bought into it by the truck load. Once Hitler enacted this deft marketing strategy, he wiped out about a million Jews. That’s some serious brand power.

As you can see, rebranding is a powerful strategy that breeds success. You can’t argue with the results. Can we dupe a shitload of ignorant ovines? Yes, we can!

You can read more of JumpOut’s bat-shit crazy at his law enforcement humor blog, You Should Be Tasered