Political Humor

The day we have been waiting for since November 2nd, or should I say we, the ones we have been waiting for arrived today. The 112th Congress was sworn in.

Claiming power beneath the Capitol dome, resurgent Republicans gained control of the House of Representatives on Wednesday as the 112th Congress convened in an era of economic uncertainty. Dozens of tea party-backed lawmakers took office in both houses, eager to cut spending and reduce government’s reach.

“The people voted to end business as usual, and today we begin carrying out their instructions,” said newly elected House Speaker John Boehner of Ohio, replacing Democrat Nancy Pelosi and transformed instantly into the nation’s most powerful Republican in a new era of divided government.

There’s Pelosi giving up the ceremonial gavel, despite her pledge that Republicans would have to pry it out of her cold, dead hands which was pretty easy because she has the upper body strength of a nine year-old.

And on a side note Luther Vandross gave shorter award show speeches.

The bad news of course is that Press Secretary Robert Gibbs is stepping aside. How is that bad? Yeah, he was a douche and always seemed like he was winging it, but Gibbs also was a good punching bag.

He is the messenger and in politics everyone shoots them. He played his role.

So goodbye to the hacks like Pelosi, Patches, Chris Dodd, Gibbs, and the rest of the Democratic cronies and coat-tail riders.

Consider the swamp officially drained. For now.

Col. Jack Cabot, Director of the Federal Elections Emergency Disaster Management Agency faces his first day of the clean-up after the 2008 Elections.

“We’re flying over the area now sir” The chopper pilot pointed out the window. “It looks really bad Mr. Cabot.”

“Wow” I muttered. He wasn’t kidding. As someone in charge of cleaning up after the last six Presidential Elections, I have seen a lot but never have I flown into a political disaster scene of this magnitude. It was like Katrina only a hundred times more devastation, the dead careers of hundreds of Republican politicians floating in the murky water below. “Hurricane Obama hit the GOP pretty hard…looks like there aren’t many survivors…”

“Sir I see someone!” The pilot interrupted at he turned the helicopter sharply. “Hold on!”

As we got closer I could make out a woman on a rooftop frantically waving her arms. Next to her was the body of an old man. They looked very familiar. Panic and fear set over me once I recognized them. “Get us down there now!”

“Mrs. Palin are you alright?” I asked as the chopper hovered close to the rooftop behind us.

“Yes, I’m okay…but John…” She looked down at the body at her feet then put her head in her hands and began to sob. “John’s dead.”

“Oh my God.” The reality of the situation set in. John McCain’s political career was dead but if he won in 2000 none of this would have happened. I sighed then gathered my thoughts. “Help me get his body into the chopper. He deserves a decent burial.”

As we got closer to the base, I could see the rescue choppers already out in force searching for any other GOP survivors.

Reports over the radio confirmed that it was not as bad as initially feared. Norm Coleman was weak but in stable condition. Wally Herger and Dan Lungren were found with a few broken bones and some scrapes but they would make it. Things were looking better.

As luck would have it, fortune suddenly changed for the worse when we touched down at our destination. Along with medical staff to tend to our passengers, a Private was waiting for me in a jeep.

“Sir there’s an urgent phone call for you.” The Private motioned for me to get in. “We’ve got a situation.”

I jumped in and we headed to the communications tent.

“Yes…what? He went crazy? Son of a bitch!” I slammed the receiver down. “As if this day couldn’t get any worse…” I grumbled as I stormed out of the tent and hopped in the jeep, motioning for the driver to head to the center of town.

When I arrived at the scene the local sheriff informed me that Mitch McConnell had killed some deputies and is currently hiding in the woods. He offers me his radio to contact my old friend.

“Company leader to identify Repub Baker Team – McConnell, Sununu, Dole, Reed, Tingle, Schaffer, Kelleher confirm! This is Colonel Cabot.”

The radio was silent for a few minutes then suddenly…

“They’re all gone Sir.” McConnell replied over the airwaves.

“Not Sununu, he made it.” I answered back with a reassuring tone.

“Sununu’s gone too Sir. Got himself killed by the Bush administration, didn’t even know it. The economic crash ate him down to the bone.”

“I’m sorry, I didn’t know.” I was finally getting McConnell to calm down and hopefully turn himself in when I said too much. “Sounds like bailing you out of trouble’s got to be a lifetime achievement for me.”

“There wouldn’t be no trouble if it weren’t for that kingshit Obama!”

“Well you did some pushing on your own Mitch.”

“The Democrats drew first blood, not me.”

“Look Mitch, let me come in and get you the hell out of there!

“They drew first blood…” The radio went silent.

“McConnell, are you still reading me? Company leader to Raven! McConnell! Acknowledge!” It was no use. I took a flask out of my jacket pocket and slugged a healthy swig back.

This was going to be a long day.

Chris Cameron writes an odd weekly political humor column every Thursday here at Radioactive Liberty, and like this post occasional extra content. You can also read his own brand of funny at his humor blog Angry Seafood.

Fairy Tales Can Come True

Gather ‘round your Uncle Les. It’s story time again. Today I’d like to share with you a tale of what happens when nice, plant eating animals get pushed too far.

Once upon a time in place called The Good Old Days, the elephants and the donkeys lived in a beautiful, green pasture. There was fine grazing for as far as the eye could see. They didn’t always get along but at least they were civil toward each other. Most would say that life was pretty good.

Sharing the pasture with them was a very large herd of cows. The elephants guarded the borders of the pasture and the donkeys took to looking after the welfare of those cows in need. All they asked in return was to be allowed to have a little of the cows’ milk for themselves.

As time went on the donkeys got fat and greedy. Some would say thirsty and lustful. They decided that even though there was more than enough milk to go around for everyone, that they wanted a larger share for themselves. The elephants said that they wouldn’t go along with such a plan, but there were more donkeys than elephants and so they lost that argument.

As the years passed, the donkeys and the elephants found that they had less and less in common and argued more and more. Finally an old, rogue bull elephant came along and said the he could work with the donkeys. Compromise, he said was the way to do that.

Many of the elephants listened to him and they did compromise with the donkeys but the donkeys would not grant concessions to the elephants. The elephants thought they could, someday, persuade the donkeys to find a middle ground with them so they went along. All too soon, it became hard to tell the donkeys from the elephants by their actions alone.

The donkeys, along with a growing number of elephants, kept grabbing up increasing amounts of the milk and mandating that it be given to cows that snicked in from other pastures where the grass wasn’t as green or to those who demanded that the donkeys give them the milk of their neighbors.

A lot of cows began to get just a little upset by this. They saw their supply of the life giving milk dwindle each year. There was less and less of it to feed their own young. But each year the donkeys, and now the most of elephants, demanded more and more of it.

The old, battle scarred, rogue elephant spoke out and said that he thought he should be the leader of not only the elephants but the donkeys and cows too because he had lots of experience in dealing with donkeys. Just then a young, brash donkey strutted forward to challenge him. He was clean and articulate and had a nice donkey smile. A lot of the cows liked him and said that he should be their leader.

Many other cows wanted the old bull to be in charge but cows are not very bright and they let the young, inexperienced donkey lead them. Besides he promised a new shiny water trough on every acre, even though a wonderfully delicious stream ran through the pasture. And it would only cost them more of their childrens’ milk, which was in very short supply.

In the end the young, inexperienced donkey could not make good on his promise for the water troughs, nor any other of his promises except that it would cost the cows more of the now precious milk. This he did take and then took more.

The large herd finally got tired of being over-milked by the all of the donkeys and most of the elephants. Even lackadaisical bovines can get angry when pushed too far. And they did.

The cows stampeded and many of the elephants who saw what was coming, joined the herd and stampeded with them, but not all. Even a couple of the donkeys had the good sense to enter the fray on the side of the marauding cows.

The rest of the stubborn donkeys and their elephant friends, stood still in the path of their pending destruction, all but oblivious in their arrogance, and talked amongst themselves about whether to take more of the milk. The young, brash donkey leader -paying a little more attention but not much- stood in front of all of them and said of the oncoming surge (which he knew would never succeed), that he would talk to them and this would solve everything. For his mere words were all he needed and pretty much all he ever had.

When the dust settled there was nothing left of the stubborn donkeys and those equally pig headed elephants. They had been reduced to just so much dust blowing in the wind. The old bull elephant -having no one left to compromise with- wandered out into the desert and was never heard from again.

The cows went back to their business of grazing and chewing their cud and the grass in the pasture grew tall and lush. The sun shone and the birds chirped and there was more than enough for everyone. The cows swore never to let a donkey be leader again, but cows have such short memories. The End.

Now that was a nice story with a happy ending wasn’t it? But there’s one little bit left to be told. This story has a moral and that moral is, don’t be dumb ass.

Be a smart ass and get more parody, satire and humor at Sideshow Mirrors, where Les shows his on a regular basis.

Obama as an ass picture by Dreamworks