Political Humor

The 2008 election is less than a week away. On Wednesday October 29 I aired a heart wrenching infomercial that demonstrates just how horrible this disgusting country I plan to lead is. I trotted out one person after another whose life is a neverending story of tragedy and hardship. Over and over again, I made the point that the United States of America is a rotten, awful nation. The only way this can ever change is to put me at the helm and turn this disaster of a nation around before it becomes a footnote in the history books.

Still, there are many who remain confused about my agenda of hope and change, so I have compiled a series of frequently asked questions to ensure that you hayseed rednecks and idiots far less enlightened than myself can finally see the light, provided that you are not simply too stupid or racist.

Do you really think that childbirth is a punishment?

Yes. Yes I do. This obviously is a reference to my response that I don’t think that someone who makes a mistake should be punished with a baby. Now, as a father I want to clarify that children are a terrible scourge on mankind. Just as my father hated his children, so do I hate my children. In fact, not a day goes by that I don’t let my children know just what a horrible burden they are to me.

Where do you draw the line on abortion?

Haha. I was asked that by Rick Warren. Unfortunately, it’s a little above my pay grade. I would like to say that I support a woman’s right to choose, but I also agree that not enough women choose correctly. That’s why under my administration, women exercising their right to choose will be mandatory. What good is a choice if you make the wrong one?

Also, abortion should be legal regardless of age. I mentioned that I am a father, but I am punished with children and I can do nothing about it. I made a mistake, and now there is no way for me to redress my mistake. I will seek to do all I can to remedy this issue, by allowing women to exercise their right to choose with any child under the age of majority.

If we are all our brother’s keeper, why are so many of your own family members living in poverty?

I know this is difficult for you to understand. You did not attend Ivy League school like I did, but George Hussein Onyango Obama is my half brother, and my Aunt Zeituni Onyango and Uncle Omar are only half related as well. See how that is different?

Senator Obama, is it really good for everyone if we spread the wealth around?

Of course it is. When your employer lays you off from your job because my tax increases are cutting into the bottom line, I’ll be there to provide you with government assistance to help you through the hardship that your evil company has inflicted upon you. Americans don’t want a handout. But that’s just another reason this country sucks so bad.

Like it or not, you’re going to need a handout when I get through. I know how to spend your money better than you do, and it’s time you learned that.

Is Barack Obama a Muslim?

No. Muslims worship a supreme higher power that they call Allah. I believe that *I* am the supreme higher power that people should worship. My religion is more akin to Heaven’s Gate, or the People’s Temple, where I am the charismatic leader of my disciples. Clearly the Muslims are worshipping a false god, so I cannot be one of them.

Why is that bucket always stuck on your head?

That’s for me to know and you to find out, and it does not have anything to do with being unable to figure out how to remove it.

Is Barack Obama friends with Weather Underground domestic terrorist William Ayers?

Of course not. I was 8 years old when the bombing took place. It would be much more accurate to say that my relationship with Mr. Ayers is more like that of student/mentor.

Did you agree with the preachings of the racist preachings of your Pastor of more than 20 years, Rev. Jeremiah Wright?

No. Rev. Wright said many despicable things about there being a God and that God not being me. I have some very fundamental disagreements with him.

You have stated that your grandmother was in the hospital in poor physical health. Was this due to the internal injuries sustained when you threw her under the bus?

According to the doctor, these were entirely natural causes. That’s my answer and I’m sticking to it.

Why does Barack Obama hate America?

Where do I start? It’s a really long list.

Is Obama a Socialist?

That’s just an outlandish claim by far Right extremists that think that having a centralized government forcibly confiscate their money and property under penalty of law, and redistributing it is Socialism. They don’t even understand that Socialism is government ownership of the means of production and the distribution of goods.

Even though there are dozens of types of Socialism, but they all hold the common belief that the rich have more than their fair share and their wealth should be redistributed to the working class in the interest of egalitarianism, but that is not germane to this discussion.

I hope that has cleared up some of the most common misconceptions about me, Barack Obama, Messiah and US President. Remember folks. Vote early. Vote often. You can never vote often enough.

I’m Barack Obama and I approve this satire.

Thanks to our own Les James for the image. Bucket stuck on head joke origin: Frank J of IMAO Conservative Humor.