Political Humor

Pastor Rick Warren interviewed Presidential candidates Barack Obama and John McCain at the Saddleback Church Saturday night as part of the two hour forum on faith. Due to time constraints, or possibly an oversight, my interview was not broadcast.

Certainly this is unfair to the potential voters of my own run for the Presidency.

Rick Warren asked President Obama the questions and it sounded something like: Blah, blah, blah. The answer to that question is above my pay grade. Blah, blah. Can someone please help me get this bucket off of my head.

McCain’s responses to the questions were something like: Long ago and far away in a place called VietNam, I was a prisoner, so if you don’t stop asking me these stupid questions, I’m going to rip off your head and sh*t down your neck.

In order to allow my political humor followers and Humor-Blogs.com readers to better understand my position on the issues, I have responded to each of the questions posed by Rick Warren to Senators Obama and McCain. Moderator Rick Warren was nearly as painfully long-winded in asking his questions as Obama and McCain were in answering them, so in the interest of brevity, most questions have been summarized.

Leadership – Who are the three wisest people you know that you would rely on in an administration?

Ghengis Khan, Atilla the Hun, and Lucifer.

Character – What’s been your greatest moral failure and what is the greatest moral failure of America?

In both cases I would have to say it’s the fact that we still have not waged a proper war for oil.

Bipartisianship – Can you give me an example of where you went against the interests of your party’s interests and even your own self interests for the good of America?

One time I was at a party and I punched the host when I found out his wife was a dirty hippie. I got kicked out of the party, but it was my patriotic duty to do so, and I stand by it to this day.

Flip Flopping – What’s the most significant position that you held 10 years ago that you don’t hold today?

I used to believe that no one was perfect, and that sometimes even great people make mistakes, but now I understand that I am always right. There’s an exception to every rule, and I am that exception.

Leadership – What was the most gut wrenching decision you ever had to make and what was the process by which you made it?

Well, one time I was all set to beat the stupid out of a dirty hippie, but as I approached, the smell was ungodly. I decided to move on and just let the hippie be. It was a very tough decision to make, as it goes against every one of my own core principles of beating hippies, but the smell was just gut wrenching.

What does faith mean to you and how does it apply to your life?

Faith is a belief in something that there is not even one shred of evidence to support that belief, like man made global warming, or that Russia will adhere to the cease fire agreement. Faith is for the weak minded. I believe in results, so I would have to say that faith does not poison my life.

Abortion – At what point is a baby entitled to human rights?

There’s way too much of an entitlement mentality pervading this country, and it starts with things like this. First we’re giving babies human rights, next thing you know, were giving free health care from the cradle to the grave. We need to end this entitlement mentality.

Babies get human rights when they grow up to be adults. I know it’s an unpopular position, but they’re just too delicious. Regarding abortion, Liberals are significantly more likely to have an abortion than Conservatives are. Also, children are much more likely to grow up to be like their parents than to hold views opposed to those of their parents, which is why I fully support the right of Liberals to systematically eradicate themselves from the gene pool.

Define marriage.

Marriage is the state, condition, or relationship of being married; wedlock. That’s the problem with definitions. They’re really just verbal circle jerks that aren’t really helpful.

Stem Cells – With the success of some research using adult stem cells, should we continue to fund research that uses embryonic stem cells.

No. We should only use the stem cells of dirty hippies. In my administration I will propose that we beat the stem cells out of every last dirty hippie in America and find cures to debilitating diseases like Parkinson’s and Liberalism.

Does evil exist, and if it does, do we ignore it, negotiate with it, contain it, or defeat it?

Yes, evil does exist in the world. To answer the second part, when you see evil in the world, I suggest taking notes. You don’t want to be accused of being a poor imitation of one of your mentors, but it’s always good to learn a few new tricks.

Which existing Supreme Court Justice would you not have nominated?

I would not have nominated any of them. In fact, I plan to do away with the judicial branch entirely. There’s something about that whole separation of powers thing that just doesn’t sit well with my plans to take over the Universe.

Faith based organizations – Should faith based organizations be forced to hire non-believers in order to receive Federal Funding?

I don’t think they should be getting Federal funding. Let them raise their own money, and hire whomever the Hell they want. Everyone wants a piece of the government pie, and that’s part of the problem.

Education – Do you think better teachers should be paid better?

Yes. The fact that such a stupid question could even be asked is a sign of how abysmal the public school system is. Rewarding achievement shouldn’t be a difficult concept to grasp.

Taxes – This is a real simple question. Define rich. Give me a number.

I object to the premise of the question. The entire question is based on the idea that a person is entitled to a “fair share” and anything beyond that arbitrary quantity is unnecessary. Wealthy, successful people are wealthy and successful because of the risk, effort, ingenuity, and perseverance they put forth. Their wealth is the fruits of that labor, and is also the motivation for achieving it.

I’m not saying that poor people don’t work hard, or even struggle to make ends meet, but they do not contribute as much to the overall pie of society as the wealthy do. That is why I believe we should tax the poor. I propose a flat tax of $20,000 per year. The poor will be punished for their lack of ingenuity, and the rich will pay off the tax and be free and clear to get as rich as they like. People in all levels of society will have the drive to reach greater heights and all of society will benefit.

Is there anything worth dying for? What is worth sacrificing American lives?

That depends. As long as I’m not the one doing the dying, I’m pretty much open to suggestions.

Orphans – Would you support an emergency plan to deal with the 148 million orphans worldwide.

Definitely. Orphans tend to be tough and stringy, but we could still wipe out world hunger with my plan.

What would you do to end religious persecution?

There’s really nothing you can do to stop stupid people from thinking that people with the “wrong” mythological belief should die for believing in the “wrong” god, so I think we should just nuke the biggest problem areas to minimize the persecution.

The third largest and fastest growing industry is human trafficking. What would you do to deal with the human trafficking problem?

Well, this is a tough one. We need better infrastructure and I am committed to provided the necessary funding for wider highways, and more modern roadways. I am also in favor of raising the speed limit. This will make traffic flow much faster.

Tell me in a minute why you want to be President.

I have as much Presidential experience as my opponents, and history shows that experience at being President isn’t actually a benefit anyway. I want to be President because power corrupts, and absolute power corrupts absolutely. I will work hard to make my power absolute.

What do you say to people that oppose me asking you these questions?

Stop being such a pussy.

What would you tell the American people if you knew there wouldn’t be any repercussions?

I’m not going to be a very good President, but you should vote for me as the lesser of 3 evils. The fact still remains, I’m better than your other options, because they really suck.

Do you have any other questions you would like me to answer?

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