Political Humor

The day we have been waiting for since November 2nd, or should I say we, the ones we have been waiting for arrived today. The 112th Congress was sworn in.

Claiming power beneath the Capitol dome, resurgent Republicans gained control of the House of Representatives on Wednesday as the 112th Congress convened in an era of economic uncertainty. Dozens of tea party-backed lawmakers took office in both houses, eager to cut spending and reduce government’s reach.

“The people voted to end business as usual, and today we begin carrying out their instructions,” said newly elected House Speaker John Boehner of Ohio, replacing Democrat Nancy Pelosi and transformed instantly into the nation’s most powerful Republican in a new era of divided government.

There’s Pelosi giving up the ceremonial gavel, despite her pledge that Republicans would have to pry it out of her cold, dead hands which was pretty easy because she has the upper body strength of a nine year-old.

And on a side note Luther Vandross gave shorter award show speeches.

The bad news of course is that Press Secretary Robert Gibbs is stepping aside. How is that bad? Yeah, he was a douche and always seemed like he was winging it, but Gibbs also was a good punching bag.

He is the messenger and in politics everyone shoots them. He played his role.

So goodbye to the hacks like Pelosi, Patches, Chris Dodd, Gibbs, and the rest of the Democratic cronies and coat-tail riders.

Consider the swamp officially drained. For now.

The following was found crumpled on the floor after a recent White House Press Corpse Briefing. The source appears to be Robert Gibbs.

Note to self: Palin fits all her notes on her palm. Find pen that will write on mine. It’s too greasy from constantly jerking-off the public.

1. Situation in Gulf

Warm-up those brain-dead press sycophants with an opening statement.

The President wants the American people to know, he loves Black Folk. This is why he’s causing the wind to break-up the oil slick into small, Earth Friendly drops. Unlike George Bush, who steered Katrina into the Big Easy, and then blew-up the levees.

2. Oil Jokes.

Oil spill? What oil spill? More oil drips off of David Axelrod’s head every day then is leaking in the Gulf.

The BP leak is no crisis. If it where, Rahm Emanual wouldn’t be wasting it.

Speaking of British Petroleum, years ago Americans dumped English Tea into the waters of Boston Harbor. Now the Brits are dumping Texas Tea into our waters.

Don’t worry about the recent dip in the Stock Market. Pork futures are down. Is this mike on? Hello. Pending European bailouts of the P.I.G.S.? Portugal, Ireland, Greece, Spain? Pork futures? Get it?

Getting off oil topic humor: Who ever brought the Shar-Pei in here will have to… Oops, my mistake, it’s Helen Thomas. Sorry, Helen. Oh… no… Helen… please… don’t… walk… out.

3. Spin Doctoring the Muslim Times Square Bomber

The person arrested for the alleged car bombing attempt in Times Square, will now be known as the Guy Once Thought to be a Middle-Aged, White Male, or GOTMAWM for short. We’re pronouncing it Got Mom.

The Got Mom was obviously influenced by the Tea Party movement. His choice of car to blow-up says he hates foreigners, just like the Tea Baggers. The gasoline used in the failed bomb, is a symbol of the incendiary rhetoric used by these bigots, and the fireworks are a clear signal of just how the 4^th of July has been twisted into a call for open, bloody revolution.

The Justice Department, FBI, and Homeland Security are creating a joint task force to investigate everyone associated with this right-wing mob. We cannot allow people who have recently gained their US citizenship to be brainwashed into treasonous acts of wanton destruction and senseless violence. These Tea Bag Terrorist will be stopped.

4: Rednecks

The flooding in Tennessee is terrible, but the President wants the people of Nashville to know, he will take action soon. Soon as the Grand Ole Opry promises not to reopen.

5: Finish-up

In conclusion, currently your Government is not doing everything it can for you, But we’re working on it. It’s just going to take a bit more sacrifice on everyone’s part. Remember, when it comes to your hard earned money, we take it… seriously. 

Take no questions. Go smoke a bowl with VP.

Astute Observation of the Day

What makes BP think that putting a dome over the well will contain anything? We put a dome over Congress years ago.

Fade in: Stars in the shape of dollar signs, trillions and trillions. We hear a familiar, well-modulated voice reading:

“Socialism, the final frontier. These are the voyages of the USS Anti-Enterprise. Its 8-10 year mission: to institute a Nanny State, to seek out new forms of taxation and subjugation. To boldly go where no American government has gone before!”

Soaring kazoo solo theme music plays as opening tiles role.

Fade to black. Cut to commercial.

“Hey, this is Don Imus for Kink-Away. Have you black chicks ever wished you could get rid of your nappy head of hair and have that sexy, white-babe looking straight hair just like Michelle Obama’s? Well, now you can…

Commercial fades out. Fade in to opening scene.

Scene I: The United Socialist States Anti-Enterprise is circling a large planet.

Voice over: Captain’s Log, Stardate 0904.13. We are in geosynchronous orbit above the infamous Black Hole penal colony on Uranus. This is where society’s most dangerous political prisoners are kept. Deep in the bowels of the planet is the ultra-high security, Subversive Conservatives Pit. It’s been penetrated, and some of the universe’s most treasonous villains have escaped.

We suspect Public Enemy #1, Rush Limbaugh, is behind this jail break. He had been thought to be dead, but recently, new, prerecorded messages from Rush have been broadcasting on illegal blogs, which have been hacked into the Gorenet. We’d traced the source back to the Tora Borealis caves on Mars.

I, Captain Barack H. Obama, lead the landing team. As we entered the cigar smoke-filled caves, a crew member -that I don’t ever remember seeing before- tripped a light beam. Limbaugh’s voice echoed off of the cave’s walls. After listening to about thirty second of this vile hate speech, this crew member turned to me and said, “Sir, this Limbaugh guy makes sense.” I shot him.

We searched the caves, but never found Limbaugh. All that was left in there was the recorder that played the blasphemous message and a list of names, written on one of the walls. Sean Hannity, Matt Drudge, Glen Beck and oddly enough, Dennis Miller. Precisely the same names of those who were now loose again, spreading their deleterious messages.

Hum, not a single woman’s name on the list. Not even that skinny bitch’s, Ann Coulter. I always thought Limbaugh was gay… oh shit, I’m, I’m…ad-libbing! Not that there’s anything, you know, wrong with being gay. Er, I mean, some of my best friends are… Help me BO Teleprompter! You’re my only hope!

Fade out – fade in to next scene

Scene II: The bridge of the Anti-Enterprise

Mr. Biden: “I like choo choo trains.”

Cpt Obama: (Sitting in his Captain’s Chair) “Someone throw him out an airlock!”

Two burly women, with crew cuts, grab Biden by each arm and hustle him into the elevator.

Mr. Biden: “Oh, goody. (Singing)We’re going to the airlock. We’re going to the airlock… Is that were they keep the choo choo trains?”

Cpt Obama: “Mr. Gibbs, do we have communications with that prison’s moron warden?

Mr. Gibbs: “Ah sir, he should be along any ah, moment now. Ah, I don’t have an exact ah, tic toc on that, but I will, ah put your question on my, ah, list and ah, get back to you.”

Cpt Obama: “You do that sparky.” (Pressing a button on the arm rest) “Mr. Geithner.”

Mr. Geithner: (Thick Scottish accent) Aye Captain, Scotty here.”

Cpt Obama: “Timmy, what have I told you about using that name and stupid accent? Never mind. We are in a jam. By we, I mean everyone but me is in trouble. Just as soon as we get a fix on the warden, I want you to beam him up and then immediately beam his sorry butt into the heart of the sun. You got that?”

Mr. Geithner: “Aye Captain. Beam his sorry butt into the sun. Sir, isn’t that going to make it hard for him to sit down. You know, since he won’t have a butt. Would it be all right if I just beam all of him into the sun?”

Cpt Obama: “Yeah, you stupid waste of… Just take care of it. Then I need you to spin-up the warp drive printing presses. I don’t care how much it cost, I will silence Limbaugh and the rest of those conservatives, if it’s the last thing I do. I’m going to need warp printing factor 10. We have to print a helluva lot a cash to finance this purge.”

Mr Geithner: “But sir, she won’t hold together… The dilithium crystals!

Voice over: Tune-in again some time in the future for part II of Anti-Enterprise, The Ship of Tools, when we’ll hear Lt Emanuel say: “You told Timmy (chortle) that you have ‘complete faith in him‘. Cpt Obama: (Snort) I know!” (Both burst into laughter).

Commercial fades out.  Cut to CSPAN screen.

“Next on CSPAN, Speaker of the House, Nancy Pelosi will preside over the beheading of two Republican Congressmen, to be chosen by text messages and tweets.”

Question from Les:  What do you call a parody of a parody anyway?