Political Humor

My Fellow Americans, Let Me Make This Perfectly Clear

White Guys Rule. Not in the school playground sense -although that’s true- but rather in the real, we actually have all the power and privilege sense. We’re superior to you. Tougher, highly resilient, untouchable. Nothing effects us.

This pronouncement can be made with 100% certainty. According to the ever subtle, always truthful Democrats, under Paul Ryan’s budget plan, every other group is going to suffer much long-term nastiness or die sudden, horrid deaths (or both simultaneously), but we’re going to be just fine. It’s good to be a White Guy.

So go ahead with your silly, wild-eyed, finger up the nose, lip-flapping, incoherent babbling, drool running down your chins, poopy pants attempts to bring us down to your pathetic, childish level. Whatever you say ain’t gonna hurt our feelings. We don’t have any.

Separating Fact From Fiction

Fact: All REAL White Guys are Conservatives. This exclusive club does include non-men folk like Sarah Palin and Michelle Bachman. Face this fact, they both have bigger balls than any Democrat.

Fact: White Guys don’t want the government paying for abortions. This is very true. If women don’t remain barefoot and pregnant, later on we won’t have kindergarteners to kick out of schools or poor people, minorities, tards and crips to underpay, make jokes about and misuse. Worse still, we won’t have more White Guys to perpetuate our power base. One exception: Liberals performing retroactive abortions on themselves suits us fine.

Fact: White Guys hate hippies (socialist or whatever), but we love the thought of punching them in the face. Hippies come in all shapes and sizes, and from all walks of life. There are a lot of elected hippies.

Fact: We love tax breaks for the rich. Yes sir, indeed we do. All White Guys what to be *Rush Limbaugh. We desire to be ultra-wealthy, fly around in our private jets, have our own beach front mansions, speak our minds and pay very little in taxes. That for us, is the American Dream.

Fiction: This ridiculous notion we want old people to eat dog food is absurd. We White Guys love dogs almost as much as guns. No way are we going to risk Fido’s chow supply. Cat food on the other hand is fine. Only evil dudes, frigid females and fags like cats.

Fiction: This brings us to the charge of homophobia. False. White Guys are disgusted by butt pirates, but don’t want them to be disemboweled. After all, without that queer eye, who’s going to design those g-string bikinis and skimpy dresses or do our women’s hair? Besides, limp-wristed dandy boys make us look much more manly.

Fiction: No way do White Guys hate women, we just love them in the Groucho Marx way, ”Women should be obscene and not heard.” We believe Muslim men are stupid. They got it all wrong. Don’t cover chicks’ bodies and leave the faces exposed. Uncover that gorgeous flesh. Then if we don’t like their faces, put a bag or flag over ‘em.

Final Fact: Under the current Republican budget plan, the future is bright for White Guys. I’m sure glad I’m one.

*OK Rush, I threw you a bone -again. Now how ’bout it buddy? When are you going to mention us, so we can cash-in on your celebrity? We’re gettin’ kinda tired of this one way, we provide you material, but you don’t even give us a tiny plug thing.

Rape, Kill, Pillage and Burn: A Conspiracy Theory

Julian Assange is wanted by Interpol for the first, will have more blood on his hands after leaking even more classified U.S. documents -that were pillaged, purloined and/or pilfered, and may be on his way to burning Secretary of State Hillary Clinton.

Could it be that President Obama knew the State Department documents, leaked today by Wikileaks, contain damaging information about his enemies -chief among them, Hillary Clinton- thus dashing any hopes of her running for President in 2012?

Doesn’t Hillary know you can’t spy on the UN? That’s their job.

Is this why Hillary has been so quiet of late, and why Obama has done all but nothing to stop this terrorist?

Nah. Even he isn’t that cleaver… but Obama’s teleprompter is.

OK, Rush. Here’s some more show prep.

It’s almost 2010. Holy crap, that was fast. I could go on and on -giving you a retrospective  about the last year- but it hasn’t been a great one for conservatives. So, I’ve decided to skip the Auld Lang Syne this time in favor looking forward to next year. And what better way to do that then to start out with a big party?

New Year’s Eve has got to be a blowout bash this year. The booze and food are easy. I’ll invite all my friends and… Okay, the guest list the gets tough. I don’t have very many friends. No, don’t get all mushy, saying “That’s alright Les, your a really nice guy. It’s their loss”, and other mindless drivel. The fact is I don’t have many friends… on purpose. I choose to live in rural America and limit my contact with people. You’ve been around ‘em. Seriously, are most of ‘em worth your time?

Off track again, sorry. Anyway, if I did have friends, then I’d need a great guest. I was thinking of a big-named, right wing personality. Wouldn’t that be cool? You’d want to attend, right? Yeah, NOW you want to be my friend.

So, I wrote a list of all the conservative media types I could think of, and then started crossing them off. What I ended up with, was this short list:

My Short List

Sean Hannity – Nice enough guy, but there’s one great big problem –he’d want to listen to cowboys yodeling or off-pitch caterwauling from some guy with a washboard strapped to his chest and another playing a two-string, stand-up bass, made out of empty pony keg and a broom stick. He’s off the list.

Mark Steyn – That dude’s funny. Every time he sits in for Rush or guest host for Hannity, I’m there. Too bad he’s Canadian and his head hinges all wrong. Sorry.

Michelle Malkin – Way smart. I appreciate that in a woman, and she looks good in a bikini too. Serious. The only issue I see is when she gets wound-up, it would be like listening to your old high school chemistry teacher explaining hydrogen bonds. Boring. She’s gone. Well, on second thought. Maybe if she wore skimpy swim wear…

Rush Limbaugh – Wow! What a coup that would be! I’d have to hire armed bouncers to keep both the right and wrong people from crashing the party. It’d be expensive, but worth it. Except… there’s those cigars. Sorry, Rush. There’s no smoking in my house. Won’t make an exception, even for you. Guess you won’t be getting an invitation either.

Laura Ingraham – Naw. Her name should have been crossed off earlier.
Way too confrontational.

Sarah Palin – Totally hot! I’d even let her husband tag along. He seems like a cool guy. I lived in Alaska for several years. I can relate. She’s down home, girl next door nice. Sensible… except, there was that wardrobe thing during the elections. I never believed the rumors, but she just sold a jacket for like $57000 or something. Oh, Sarah.

Ann Coulter – Okay… ah, how do I say this? I love listening to Ann, but I’m not sure I want her in my home. Fine, I’ll just say it. She kind of scares me. I think part of it those massive, fake eyelashes and black eyeliner. Plus, I picture her house having a sound proof basement. Please Miss Coulter, don’t take offense at this… please.

Glenn Beck – YES! Perfect. Beck it is. The guy’s funny, down to earth and he seems really accessible. Sharing a beer with Glenn Beck, what could be… Crap, he’s a recovering alcoholic. This isn’t going to work. So I guess he’s gone too.

So much for my fantastic Conservative New Year’s Eve Party. I suppose I’ll just go bed early on the 31st… again.

Les James also hangs around Sideshow Mirrors, which features political satire and humor, and the global warming denying, Mild Max.