Political Humor

RINOs Must Go!

Welcome back to another edition of broadcast excellence. I, Rush Hudson Limbaugh, mmm, mmm, mmm, your guiding light in times of tumult, and murkiness, as well as the good times, am here today to put lead on target -as it were- and begin to bring down the squishy insignificance of mediocrity that pervades the Republican Party. We seek out a creature that -like the polar bear- should never be on the Endangered Species List. This one, because it needs to be wiped out of existence altogether.

Today, we’re hunting wascally winos, eheheheh. What’s that, H.R.? You say that was probably the worst Elmer Fudd impersonation ever? RINO, wino, what’s the difference? Both are dysfunctional, except the winos have an excuse for acting the way they do, they’re drunk. There’s no excuse for the actions of those Republicans In Name Only.

Well, maybe we should be hunting winos. But only to see if they’ve been helped out by any of President Obama’s job creating stimulus programs. If the Under the Bridge Brigade would just recycled their glass bottles as much as the Dems recycle their tired rhetoric, we’d never have to hear about Global Warming again. There. Only thirty seconds into the broadcasting day, and I’ve already solved one major issue. Just think what I can do in three hours.

Once again, the Drive-bys are reporting that I, the titular head of the Republican Party, am out to rid the GOP of moderates. I would think that would be my right, as the leader of the party. Still, this gave me an idea. Why not really rid the party of the Democrat Light? If I’m going to get blamed for it anyway, why not actually do it?

That’s why we’re broadcasting from deep inside the Beltway. Inside the very den of these spineless bureaucrats. I, El Rushbo, have been transformed into Bwana Rush, the Great Non-Gender or Racial Specific Hunter, will go into the lair, where they bend in the wind toward what ever trend is blown to them by the Left. This, however, will not be a trophy hunt. While some have racks -most notably the two Senators from Maine- none are suitable for mounting.

I’ve given a lot of thought about the choice of weapon. Traditional wisdom dictates an elephant gun. After all, they are Republicans…barely. But I wish to give them a fair fight. This is why I’ve decided to go armed only with a straw and spit wads.

Now I know what you might be thinking, “Rush, you’ll be slaughtered. There are so many of them and only one of you.” Tisk, tisk, I say. Once they’re cut from the Republican herd, I’ll be able to dispatch them, one at a time. Without the false sense of security that sheer numbers give them, a single, small ball of paper, drenched in my saliva, will be enough to cause their demise. Trust me, in this. I know them and their weaknesses like every inch of my glorious, naked body.

EIB RV1 will serve as the Command Post for this safari. We’re currently parked near Capitol Hill. We were able to sneak past Obama‘s personal Brown Shirted, Jack-booted thugs, by placing every campaign bumper sticker since Mondale/Ferraro on the back, and a Green Peace and an anti-Walmart bumper sticker on the front. We were waved right on through.

I’ve equipped EIB RV1 and myself with a latest wireless transmission electronics, so you at home can follow along. Members of my fearless staff will accompany me to act as flushers, and also cover this historic moment on a mobile Ditto Cam. I know the outcome will be in my favor, since I’ve been documented to be almost always right, 99.5% of the time.

We’ll be heading out the door, to begin the hunt, just as soon as we get back from this Obscene Profit Break.

Right Wing Devils Made Me Do It

Limbaugh: “We’re taking a twenty-one hour break. But we’ll be back tomorrow on Open Line Friday.”

Les: “We’ll enough life altering wisdom for today. I’ve got to get some writing done. If miss my deadline, Fiar will beat me like his pet hippie. Man it’s getting harder and harder to come up with satire when the whole government is satire already.”

Limbaugh: “So what did you think of today’s show?”

Les: “Huh, I thought I turned the radio off.”

Limbaugh: “You did.”

Les: “Very funny joke, Rush. Come on, we both know that you use Radioactive Liberty for show prep. Trying to get back at me? So where’s the speaker?”

Limbaugh: “I’m the speaker. Your guiding light in times of tumult…”

Les: “Yeah, yeah, whatever you say. Okay, how are you doing this? You got a Ditto Cam in here or what?”

Limbaugh: “No, no Ditto Cam, no EIB microphone. I’m in your head.”

Les: : “What?”

Limbaugh: “I’m in your head. Actually, I’m stuck in here.”

Les: “What do you mean you’re stuck?”

Limbaugh: “Just that. Like a song that you can’t get rid of. Stuck.”

Les: “Okay I’ll play along, how’d you get stuck in my head?”

Limbaugh: “You invited us in by listening to AM talk radio and watching Fox News. In a way, it’s your doing, not ours.”

Les: “Us? Ours? Who else is in there?”

Rivera: “Chris Wallace and I are getting sick and tired of being lumped in with all of you radical conservative rabble-rouser’s at Fox. So we’re going to sit over here and shake our heads a lot.”

Les: “Huh?”

Hannity: “You’re a Great American, Les.”

Les: “Sean? What the… As much as I love you guys, you, Mike Wallace, Geraldo and Rush need to go… now! Leave me alone.”

Hannity: “Can’t. We’re on a mission.”

Les: “What the hell do you mean you’re on a mission? It’s my head and I don’t want you in there. Go away!”

Coulter: “We aren’t leaving Les. Just get use to it. Michelle Malkin and I are actually enjoying being in your head. I’m starting to see where you come up with all of those Photoshop ideas. You’re a twisted little pup, aren’t you? By the way those Palin Pin-ups are hilarious. And…if you’d like… I’ll send you some pictures of me that don’t need to be Photoshoped, if you know what I’m saying.”

Les: “I…ah…”

Malkin: “Hey, Ann, come see what I just found in repressed memories. This one goes back to when he was seventeen and there was this girl who..”

Les: “Whoa! Stay out of there! That’s embarrassing stuff. Now all of you, go away!”

Beck: “Okay guys, I’ve got a big clown shoe. Say the word and I’ll give his cerebellum a good whack with it, and we’ll get on with the possession.”

Les: “Possession? Put the clown shoe down, Glenn. Do you hear me? Don’t you go anywhere near my…

Hannity: “Les? Les? Can you hear me?”

Les: “Yes, Sean.”

Hannity: “Good. Now this is very important.”

Les: “Yes, Sean. Very important.”

Hannity: “I want you to buy a Brooks Brothers suit. There’s a large, black SUV waiting for you in front of your house. Get in. They’ll take you to get fitted.

Les: “Yes, Sean. Brooks Brothers suit.”

Limbaugh: “Then you need to get on a bus to Pittsburgh. It’s a charter. I’m paying for it as well as the suit, so don’t worry about the cost.”

Les: “Get on the bus.”

Beck: “And when you arrive, look out for the clowns!”

Coulter: “Enough already with the clowns, Glenn. Now Les, when you get to Pennsylvania, goose step along with other people from the bus to a Town Hall meeting. The subject will be about anything but health care reform.”

Limbaugh: “You are to be part of a well dressed, but unruly, angry and possibly rabid, Republican Backed Mob. There’s going to be a Democrat Senator speaking that needs heckling. Oh, and if anybody ask, you were sent there by an insurance company.”

Les: “Yes. Masters.”

How’s everyone doing tonight? Yeah, I just flew in from Louisiana, and boy are my arms tired!

[pause for laughter]

Man, that Wanda Sykes, she sure is funny. Funny-looking!

[pause for laughter]

I know, I know, she’s a lesbian crack-whore, and I hope she contracts AIDS, and dies!

[pause for laughter]

Seriously, though, I’d like to see her go hunting with Dick Cheney, and get shot in the face with a shotgun and die!

[pause for laughter]

Dick Cheney would indeed shoot her in the face. Her face is so ugly, I’m surprised she doesn’t die every time she looks in the mirror!

[pause for laughter]

You know what would be funnier? If she was walking down the street, and got gang-raped to death!

[pause for laughter]

That’s funny right there, I don’t care who you are.

Ooo, ooo, even funnier than that would be if she were in the next skyscraper some terrorists flew a plane into, and she had to choose whether to jump to her death, or burn to death in the giant fireball!

[pause for laughter]

Which one would she would choose? Who cares!

[pause for laughter]

I know this little confabulation is supposed to be about President Obama. His speech was funny. The only thing that could have made it funnier is if he died from kidney failure during it!

[pause for laughter]

You know what else would be funny? If right after he delivered his line about Dick Cheney’s book, How to Shoot Friends and Interrogate People, a sniper shot him in the face!

[pause for laughter]

Do you remember when Gerald Ford used to fall down getting off Air Force One? President Obama should do that while Air Force One is flying!

[pause for laughter]

This audience sucks! You didn’t laugh at one of my funny jokes. You should all die from leukemia!

[pause for laughter]

You can find more funny jokes at JumpOuts law enforcement humor blog You Should Be Tasered