Political Humor

Since Democrats have control of Congress, and won the Presidential election in a landslide victory, it’s clear the American people are confident in the way the Democrats run things.

Since we’re so confident in the Democrats, I think we should give them control of the North Pole. Santa has been doing some shoddy work lately, and i think a dose Liberalism is just what the Big Guy needs to turn things around.

First things first, Old St. Nick is a bit squishy around the mid-section. I mean, he’s already several hundred years old, and we know that obesity, combined with old age is a sure death sentence. In order to bring Santa’s weight under control, we’ll need to pass a fat tax. All egg nog, gingerbread houses, candy-canes, chocolate chip cookies, and all other foods that contain fat, and/or sugar shall be subject to a 20% sales tax.

We’ll use the extra revenue to build fitness centers around Santa’s workshop (at a 200% mark-up and supplied by Nancy Pelosi’s brother-in-law), and we’ll mandate that all Christmas operations must be suspended for an additional hour every day to make time for working-out.

The next order of business will be to protect North Polese labor. The workers need to get organized, and stand up for their rights. There will be no more elves working until they die. There will be a 20 gumdrop/hour raise across the board. We’re going to start ELFU (Elven Labor Federal Union), and institute the card-check program to ensure that the elves are protected from the bourgeoisie evil Santa Corp.

Finally, Al Gore has informed us that over the last twenty years, the average temperature of the north pole is up one tenth of one tenth of a percent.

Effective immediately we must pass legislation controlling the diet of the reindeer. We need to alter their diet to reduce their flatulence. All that methane gas is destroying the environment. We’ll also need to mandate that all light bulbs be changed to compact fluorescent bulbs. We’ll legislate that the fireplace in Kris Kringle’s shop only run for three hours during the middle of the night.

To ensure compliance with all these regulations, we’re going to appoint a North Pole Czar. The obvious choice is Kelly Osbourne. She is supremely qualified since she is a female, comes from a famous family, and…well that’s all you really need, isn’t it? There will be no more problems in the North Pole! Yaaaaaaayyyyy!!!

Update for 2009:

It seems Santa is in jail for shoplifting egg nog. We could get Kelly Osbourne to do the deliveries, but for the first time in centuries, Santa’s Workshop couldn’t get all the orders filled this year, and Donner and Cupid died of malnutrition.

Rudolph passed away as well, but he died from mercury poisoning when the compact florescent bulb the government mandated be installed in his nose broke. Also, for the first time in centuries Santa’s Workshop reported a budget deficit. It’s so awful in the North Pole right now.

We must act immediately to save the North Pole! We have legislation in the works to fix every problem in the North Pole. It must be passed, the North Pole is too big to fail!

You can find JumpOut at his police humor blog, You Should be Tasered. The only place on the internet to learn how not to get killed by the police.

Original Image: Santa Under Arrest by Stéfan

More Christmas Humor:

* Obama Night Before Christmas Parody
* Holiday Gift Ideas
* Does Santa Claus Hate the Jews?
* 12 Days of Christmas Parody

Santa Claus never delivers presents to Jewish people despite the fact he is secular. Just because they celebrate an alternate version of Christmas earlier in the month does not give Santa the right to simply bypass them all together.

I wonder if it is a personal issue. Is Santa Claus envious that Jewish people aren’t fed up with Hanukkah like the Gentiles and Christmas? You never see a Jew stressed out this time of year because their holidays aren’t complete pain-in-the-ass events.

Everyone talks about how much things cost these days, and for Santa surely there are higher expenses hitting the production end. With the recalls and lead in Chinese products, he is forced to buy American, which in turn drives up prices. Maybe it is too costly to train the elves to make dreidels, so toy-making for the Christians is a cheaper option.

The fuel prices alone must be killing the old man lately. I don’t know if they make hybrid sleighs, or what Rudolph’s carbon footprint is, but the rumor is that Santa’s workshop uses more energy in a month than Al Gore’s mansion uses in a year.

But this is not about St. Nick and his eco-friendliness. It is about why he does not give Jewish children presents. Even though the last thing he needs is more people on his gift list in a time of rising costs or environmentalists breathing down his back, there has to be something else behind this conspiracy at the North Pole.

Perhaps Santa doesn’t hate the Jews. He has to prioritize his gift giving to those who believe in a holiday that technically has to do with another potentially fictional character.

When we were children we were told that if we didn’t believe in Santa Claus he would pass over our house. Instead of the first born male child being slain, it was coal in the stocking.

Maybe if more Jewish children believed in Jesus then Santa Claus would climb down their synagogue and leave them chocolate coins on Christmas Eve.

Chris Cameron and Angry Seafood wish you and yours a safe and happy holiday season, even if you believe in Festivus.

Humor-Blogs.com believes in Hanukkah Harry. Go there now for a prize.

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