Political Humor

Oh boy, sleep! That’s where I’m a Southern Baptist Preacher!

Yea, in a deep slumber I was lifted up by a being, that I believe was an Angel. She took me by the hand as we flew through the night air. And I spake to the Angel, “Wherefore art thou taking me? Can ye tell me?” To which the Angel replied, “You betcha.”

We stopped, and hovered in the dark skies, over a great city. Lo and behold, she pointed toward the firmament and said unto me, “Below is a modern Sodom. Below is a Tower of Babel. But there’s a whole lot worse, ya know.”

I looked to which she pointed. “Is this not the seat of our government? Is that not Capital Hill? What in the name of heaven, could be worse?”

The Angel squeezed my hand and I did wince. “Sorry, I use to fish for a living. I guess I don’t know my own strength. But you sure do know your real estate,” she spake to me.

“Why have ye brought me to this unholy place? I beseech thee.” She looked at me through her glasses and smiled. The smile of an Angel, and a bosom to match. I must confess my sin to thee, my brothers and sisters, for I had carnal thoughts. I lusted for this creature.

“Forgive me!” I cried. “For I have had immoral images of me and thee in my mind.”

To which she laughed. “Oh sweetie, there’s nothing to forgive. You’re the one who created all those hot pin-up pictures after all. Of course you want me. At least the fantasy me.”

Then we began to fall. Faster and faster we plunged toward the earth, and I was sore afraid. We fell from the heavens as a meteor, streaking down to a large white house. Despite the Angel’s reassurances, I knew this was to be my punishment for my indiscretion. I was to perish. My mortal body dashed. My flesh rendered. My bones case upon the roof. But it was my soul, for which I did dread.

And behold we passed unscathed, right through the building! Deeper, yet deeper, we went into bowels of the earth. Oh, my friends, my faithful flock, I do not use that term as an allusion. For it did stinketh a great stench. The vile odor doth filled my nose. We moved farther into the earth, through this gaping maw to Hell. Right to it’s very center. To the realm of The Dark One.

A glowing red did meet mine eyes, and a mighty wind did break o’er me. Yet we descended. Until above a vast blood colored lake we did soar. A cry arose from the lake, and yet not just one voice did rise to my hearing, but millions of anguished voices. To my horror, I did see uncountable numbers of forms thrashing in this sea.

And I said unto the Angel, “What is this place? What have these people done to deserve to drown in an ocean of blood?”

The Angel thus spake, “It’s not blood… It’s red ink. They’re drowning in the debt of The Obamanation.”

“Holy Fucking Shit!” I did screameth.

“Oh, yeah. You betcha,” The Angel did reply.

“Angel,” I did implore. “Return me to my bed. Please tell me this is but a shadow of the future.”

“Sorry Charlie, I’m no Angel.” she replied.

Oh, I was much perplexed. Then suddenly I understood. “But governors can’t fly.” I did state.

“I’m not a governor anymore,” she sayeth. “I’m a rogue conservative.” Then she did dropeth me.

Screaming, I did fall, until I landed upon The Beguiler, The Deceiver of Worlds, The Silver-Tongued Serpent, The Man of Many Faces, yet even The Obamanation, and smote him with a great smiting. Yea verily, did I smush him.

Can I get an Amen?

Author’s note: Don’t worry, I was just fine. When you land on that much bull crap, it’s pretty soft. Smelly, but soft. Just like his stand on foreign policy, Afghanistan and, and… But that’s for another sermon.

Today -in an unexpected move-  Alaskan Governor (the Hot) Sarah Palin said she would step down from that post, at the end of the month. Sarah apparently has decided to leave office to seek other challenges, and to do what she says, is best for Alaska. Whatever your reasons Sarah, we love you, and we’ll be watching your back…

And maybe a little lower.

Tim: Welcome to our 2008 Election VP debate pre-bout show. I’m your host Tim Masterson. Today sitting in the hot seat is the former governor of Minnesota and wrestling icon Jessie The Body Ventura. And speaking of hot seats, I said it last week and I’ll say it again, Gov. Sarah Palin has one hot seat.

At first it was strictly a physical attraction, but with time I’ve grown to appreciate her mind as well as her body. OK, I still drool on my microphone when I see pictures of her. That one with her wearing that red, white and blue, Wonder Woman outfit, holding a whip…Wow!

What do you say Jessie?

Jessie: Sarah Palin is hot. If I could be reincarnated as a fabric, I would come back as a 38 double-D bra and you know who’d be wearing it.

Tim: Now that’s funny!

Jessie: Congratulations Jim, you have a sense of humor. And to those who didn’t: Go stick your head in the mud.

Tim: That’s why I love ya man. But let’s get down to the battle de jour.

Looks to me like its going to be a mêlée of epic scale between The Hottie, Sarah The Barracuda Palin and The Mouth that Roared, Scrappy Joe Biden.

Jessie: Yeah Tim, McCain’s training Palin for the heavyweight fight of her career. He’s got plenty of political in-fighting experience to pass on to her but from what I’ve seen so far, she’s got talent. Selling the jet on Ebay… classic.

Tim: So what do you think of the boys from the Blue States?

Jessie: It’s a switch-up. This is something we don’t see too often. The 40 something year congressional vet, Scrappy Joe, the Dems VP candidate, is the one prepping his I’ve got more time in the jon then he has in office, featherweight challenger to go up against the Reps seasoned pro.

Tim: So what you’re saying is that the VP debate is the one to watch, ‘cause the Pres. contest is going to be an early KO?

Jessie: Not all Tim. To give you an analogy: wrestling is ballet with violence and Obama knows how to dance.

Tim: Too close to call then. Do you have any advise to give either Vice Presidential candidate?

Jessie: Biden needs to remember he didn’t get enough votes in his Presidential bid to be elected Mayor of Wasilla. If he opens his mouth at the wrong time or even looks at her wrong during the debates, Palin wins because it looks like he’s picking on a woman and he’s sexist SOB.

Palin, on the other hand, needs to remember the she’s a good-looking woman. She has to be a class act while she’s kicking Biden in the nuts. Play that wrong and she looks like a bitch.

Tim: Strong words. But what about Obama saying, “You’re absolutely right that John McCain has not talked about my Muslim faith.”

Jessie: Obama can’t put two coherent words together, without someone putting it on a teleprompter for him first. As to those being strong words, I speak my mind. If it offends some people, well, there’s not much I can do about that. But I’m going to be honest. I’m going to continue to speak my mind, and that’s who I am.

Tim: OK.  What ever happened to your political career?

Jessie: I decided to run for governor because I got mad… I wanted to make government more directly accountable to the people. But when my time was up, I went back to my real life. Politics is not my life. I have a career in radio and another career in film.

Tim: How’s the film career going?

Jessie: Not so well.

Tim: On a lighter note, McCain sent me a letter.

Jessie: Oh?

Tim: Yep, he was looking for support.

Jessie: You mean cash.

Tim: You got it. So I sent him a dollar and wrote him there’s more where that came from it he gets elected and suddenly doesn’t feel up to the job.

Jessie: Putting Palin in the “hot seat” as you would say?

Tim: Ah ha.

Jessie: Good call.

Tim: Well, that’s all the time we have today. I’d like to say thanks to my guest, the most powerful governor next to Arnold…

Jessie: What the…?

Tim: …Jessie The Body Ventura. Tune in tomorrow when my guest will be TV, and singing legend David Hasselhof. Good night.

Jessie: What do you mean “next to Arnold” …

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Les James posts here every Monday while maintaining his home at Sideshow Mirrors.