Political Humor

You thought the ridiculous notion that outdoor grilling contributes to man-made global warming, ahem I mean climate change, was insane? Wait until you hear this one.

PARIS (AFP) – The world’s association of camel scientists fought back angrily on Monday over Australian plans to kill wild dromedaries on the grounds that their flatulence adds to global warming…

The kill-a-camel suggestion is floated in a paper distributed by Australia’s Department of Climate Change and Energy Efficiency, as part of consultations for reducing the country’s carbon footprint.

The scheme is the brainchild of an Adelaide-based commercial company, Northwest Carbon, a land and animal management consultancy, which proposes whacking feral camels in exchange for carbon credits.

Whacking? Is the mafia going to be involved? Instead of Sonny getting killed at the toll booth it will be camels.

Killing animals for carbon credits does not make much sense since the issue is methane. But Northwest Carbon has a fallacy workaround.

Each camel, according to the champions of a cull, emits 45 kilos (99 pounds) of methane, the equivalent of one tonne a year in carbon dioxide (CO2), the main warming gas.

See what they did there? Methane is the straw man so if it is equated to CO2 they can argue it is just as dangerous and worthy of carbon credits.

Of course Northwest Carbon will be very humane in their killing of wild animals to stop global warming, damnit I meant to say climate change.

Northwest Carbon says it would shoot the camels from helicopters or corral them before sending them to an abattoir for eating by humans or pets.

Remember the flak Sarah Palin got for doing the same thing? But this time it is okay because these are liberals killing defenseless wild animals and if we don’t do this the world will catch on fire. Or something like that.

Besides, camels are way less cuter than polar bears.
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UPDATE 8/06/11: The article I quoted from has gone down the memory hole. From here on in I’m taking screenshots of this stuff. Here is another one on the topic.

How the hell is T Boone Pickens supposed to build the 45,654,687,324,753,281,286,456,213,435 windmills needed to provide clean energy to the state of Wyoming if these damn oil companies keep finding these post-peak deposits?

It sure is a problem. The planet was supposed to be running out of oil by now but we keep finding more. Not like we ever actually “ran out” of a previous fuel. People still burn peat. Whales haven’t gone away despite the efforts of the Sea Shepard to continually snatch defeat from the jaws of victory on their behalf. (That’s always fun to watch by the way.)

Anyways…

Recently, a 5-20 billion deposit was discovered off the coast of Cuba. And get this: Obama is letting companies drill in the Gulf again.

Noble Energy Inc. on Tuesday reported an oil discovery at a deepwater well in the Gulf of Mexico that was the first such drilling project to receive a permit after the government lifted a post-BP spill drilling moratorium…

…(the well)Santiago is the third oil discovery in Noble’s Galapagos project in the Gulf of Mexico, including prior successes at Santa Cruz and Isabela. Noble expects all three wells will be online early next year. The company estimates the three discoveries contain 130 million barrels of oil.

You’d think he would hold a press conference between the front and back nine to let us know he’s all over the whole drilling more oil thing. What, they can’t fit a teleprompter in the golf cart?

Baby steps I guess.

But maybe we are actually running out of oil and all these “discoveries” are the work of Sarah Palin and Andrew Breitbart. They are secretly buying oil and are filling undersea caverns with the stuff to make it look like we are not running out, thus furthering the right-wing conspiracy backed by the right-wing media.

Plus, they get a cut of the oil profits, and a stake on the commodities markets so they can manipulate the selling price.

Palin’s bus tour? Breitbart’s book marketing appearances? Distractions from what’s really going on.

Oh, and the money to buy the oil is being provided by a third party subsidiary aligned with the Koch brothers.

That’s the kind of crazy logic you’ll get from the radicals on the left. They want to go back to 1811.

My Fellow Americans, Let Me Make This Perfectly Clear

White Guys Rule. Not in the school playground sense -although that’s true- but rather in the real, we actually have all the power and privilege sense. We’re superior to you. Tougher, highly resilient, untouchable. Nothing effects us.

This pronouncement can be made with 100% certainty. According to the ever subtle, always truthful Democrats, under Paul Ryan’s budget plan, every other group is going to suffer much long-term nastiness or die sudden, horrid deaths (or both simultaneously), but we’re going to be just fine. It’s good to be a White Guy.

So go ahead with your silly, wild-eyed, finger up the nose, lip-flapping, incoherent babbling, drool running down your chins, poopy pants attempts to bring us down to your pathetic, childish level. Whatever you say ain’t gonna hurt our feelings. We don’t have any.

Separating Fact From Fiction

Fact: All REAL White Guys are Conservatives. This exclusive club does include non-men folk like Sarah Palin and Michelle Bachman. Face this fact, they both have bigger balls than any Democrat.

Fact: White Guys don’t want the government paying for abortions. This is very true. If women don’t remain barefoot and pregnant, later on we won’t have kindergarteners to kick out of schools or poor people, minorities, tards and crips to underpay, make jokes about and misuse. Worse still, we won’t have more White Guys to perpetuate our power base. One exception: Liberals performing retroactive abortions on themselves suits us fine.

Fact: White Guys hate hippies (socialist or whatever), but we love the thought of punching them in the face. Hippies come in all shapes and sizes, and from all walks of life. There are a lot of elected hippies.

Fact: We love tax breaks for the rich. Yes sir, indeed we do. All White Guys what to be *Rush Limbaugh. We desire to be ultra-wealthy, fly around in our private jets, have our own beach front mansions, speak our minds and pay very little in taxes. That for us, is the American Dream.

Fiction: This ridiculous notion we want old people to eat dog food is absurd. We White Guys love dogs almost as much as guns. No way are we going to risk Fido’s chow supply. Cat food on the other hand is fine. Only evil dudes, frigid females and fags like cats.

Fiction: This brings us to the charge of homophobia. False. White Guys are disgusted by butt pirates, but don’t want them to be disemboweled. After all, without that queer eye, who’s going to design those g-string bikinis and skimpy dresses or do our women’s hair? Besides, limp-wristed dandy boys make us look much more manly.

Fiction: No way do White Guys hate women, we just love them in the Groucho Marx way, ”Women should be obscene and not heard.” We believe Muslim men are stupid. They got it all wrong. Don’t cover chicks’ bodies and leave the faces exposed. Uncover that gorgeous flesh. Then if we don’t like their faces, put a bag or flag over ‘em.

Final Fact: Under the current Republican budget plan, the future is bright for White Guys. I’m sure glad I’m one.

*OK Rush, I threw you a bone -again. Now how ’bout it buddy? When are you going to mention us, so we can cash-in on your celebrity? We’re gettin’ kinda tired of this one way, we provide you material, but you don’t even give us a tiny plug thing.