Political Humor

It’s almost 2010. Holy crap, that was fast. I could go on and on -giving you a retrospective  about the last year- but it hasn’t been a great one for conservatives. So, I’ve decided to skip the Auld Lang Syne this time in favor looking forward to next year. And what better way to do that then to start out with a big party?

New Year’s Eve has got to be a blowout bash this year. The booze and food are easy. I’ll invite all my friends and… Okay, the guest list the gets tough. I don’t have very many friends. No, don’t get all mushy, saying “That’s alright Les, your a really nice guy. It’s their loss”, and other mindless drivel. The fact is I don’t have many friends… on purpose. I choose to live in rural America and limit my contact with people. You’ve been around ‘em. Seriously, are most of ‘em worth your time?

Off track again, sorry. Anyway, if I did have friends, then I’d need a great guest. I was thinking of a big-named, right wing personality. Wouldn’t that be cool? You’d want to attend, right? Yeah, NOW you want to be my friend.

So, I wrote a list of all the conservative media types I could think of, and then started crossing them off. What I ended up with, was this short list:

My Short List

Sean Hannity – Nice enough guy, but there’s one great big problem –he’d want to listen to cowboys yodeling or off-pitch caterwauling from some guy with a washboard strapped to his chest and another playing a two-string, stand-up bass, made out of empty pony keg and a broom stick. He’s off the list.

Mark Steyn – That dude’s funny. Every time he sits in for Rush or guest host for Hannity, I’m there. Too bad he’s Canadian and his head hinges all wrong. Sorry.

Michelle Malkin – Way smart. I appreciate that in a woman, and she looks good in a bikini too. Serious. The only issue I see is when she gets wound-up, it would be like listening to your old high school chemistry teacher explaining hydrogen bonds. Boring. She’s gone. Well, on second thought. Maybe if she wore skimpy swim wear…

Rush Limbaugh – Wow! What a coup that would be! I’d have to hire armed bouncers to keep both the right and wrong people from crashing the party. It’d be expensive, but worth it. Except… there’s those cigars. Sorry, Rush. There’s no smoking in my house. Won’t make an exception, even for you. Guess you won’t be getting an invitation either.

Laura Ingraham – Naw. Her name should have been crossed off earlier.
Way too confrontational.

Sarah Palin – Totally hot! I’d even let her husband tag along. He seems like a cool guy. I lived in Alaska for several years. I can relate. She’s down home, girl next door nice. Sensible… except, there was that wardrobe thing during the elections. I never believed the rumors, but she just sold a jacket for like $57000 or something. Oh, Sarah.

Ann Coulter – Okay… ah, how do I say this? I love listening to Ann, but I’m not sure I want her in my home. Fine, I’ll just say it. She kind of scares me. I think part of it those massive, fake eyelashes and black eyeliner. Plus, I picture her house having a sound proof basement. Please Miss Coulter, don’t take offense at this… please.

Glenn Beck – YES! Perfect. Beck it is. The guy’s funny, down to earth and he seems really accessible. Sharing a beer with Glenn Beck, what could be… Crap, he’s a recovering alcoholic. This isn’t going to work. So I guess he’s gone too.

So much for my fantastic Conservative New Year’s Eve Party. I suppose I’ll just go bed early on the 31st… again.

Les James also hangs around Sideshow Mirrors, which features political satire and humor, and the global warming denying, Mild Max.

Right Wing Devils Made Me Do It

Limbaugh: “We’re taking a twenty-one hour break. But we’ll be back tomorrow on Open Line Friday.”

Les: “We’ll enough life altering wisdom for today. I’ve got to get some writing done. If miss my deadline, Fiar will beat me like his pet hippie. Man it’s getting harder and harder to come up with satire when the whole government is satire already.”

Limbaugh: “So what did you think of today’s show?”

Les: “Huh, I thought I turned the radio off.”

Limbaugh: “You did.”

Les: “Very funny joke, Rush. Come on, we both know that you use Radioactive Liberty for show prep. Trying to get back at me? So where’s the speaker?”

Limbaugh: “I’m the speaker. Your guiding light in times of tumult…”

Les: “Yeah, yeah, whatever you say. Okay, how are you doing this? You got a Ditto Cam in here or what?”

Limbaugh: “No, no Ditto Cam, no EIB microphone. I’m in your head.”

Les: : “What?”

Limbaugh: “I’m in your head. Actually, I’m stuck in here.”

Les: “What do you mean you’re stuck?”

Limbaugh: “Just that. Like a song that you can’t get rid of. Stuck.”

Les: “Okay I’ll play along, how’d you get stuck in my head?”

Limbaugh: “You invited us in by listening to AM talk radio and watching Fox News. In a way, it’s your doing, not ours.”

Les: “Us? Ours? Who else is in there?”

Rivera: “Chris Wallace and I are getting sick and tired of being lumped in with all of you radical conservative rabble-rouser’s at Fox. So we’re going to sit over here and shake our heads a lot.”

Les: “Huh?”

Hannity: “You’re a Great American, Les.”

Les: “Sean? What the… As much as I love you guys, you, Mike Wallace, Geraldo and Rush need to go… now! Leave me alone.”

Hannity: “Can’t. We’re on a mission.”

Les: “What the hell do you mean you’re on a mission? It’s my head and I don’t want you in there. Go away!”

Coulter: “We aren’t leaving Les. Just get use to it. Michelle Malkin and I are actually enjoying being in your head. I’m starting to see where you come up with all of those Photoshop ideas. You’re a twisted little pup, aren’t you? By the way those Palin Pin-ups are hilarious. And…if you’d like… I’ll send you some pictures of me that don’t need to be Photoshoped, if you know what I’m saying.”

Les: “I…ah…”

Malkin: “Hey, Ann, come see what I just found in repressed memories. This one goes back to when he was seventeen and there was this girl who..”

Les: “Whoa! Stay out of there! That’s embarrassing stuff. Now all of you, go away!”

Beck: “Okay guys, I’ve got a big clown shoe. Say the word and I’ll give his cerebellum a good whack with it, and we’ll get on with the possession.”

Les: “Possession? Put the clown shoe down, Glenn. Do you hear me? Don’t you go anywhere near my…

Hannity: “Les? Les? Can you hear me?”

Les: “Yes, Sean.”

Hannity: “Good. Now this is very important.”

Les: “Yes, Sean. Very important.”

Hannity: “I want you to buy a Brooks Brothers suit. There’s a large, black SUV waiting for you in front of your house. Get in. They’ll take you to get fitted.

Les: “Yes, Sean. Brooks Brothers suit.”

Limbaugh: “Then you need to get on a bus to Pittsburgh. It’s a charter. I’m paying for it as well as the suit, so don’t worry about the cost.”

Les: “Get on the bus.”

Beck: “And when you arrive, look out for the clowns!”

Coulter: “Enough already with the clowns, Glenn. Now Les, when you get to Pennsylvania, goose step along with other people from the bus to a Town Hall meeting. The subject will be about anything but health care reform.”

Limbaugh: “You are to be part of a well dressed, but unruly, angry and possibly rabid, Republican Backed Mob. There’s going to be a Democrat Senator speaking that needs heckling. Oh, and if anybody ask, you were sent there by an insurance company.”

Les: “Yes. Masters.”

It may be a funny political picture, but the subject isn’t. What’s your opinion?