Political Humor

Yeah, I know, the House is going to vote today to take the next step toward European Socialism, through Obama Care. But I thought we needed a break. Kind of funny though, here it’s Sunday and they seem to have decided not to use the Slaughter “Demon Pass” Solution. That’s what they said. I heard it.

Somewhere in the White House

Obama: Rahm, put some clothes on and bring in the next House Member.

Emanuel: mumble, mumble…bring ‘em in yourself, you lazy little…

Obama: What’d you say!

Emanuel: Ah… I was saying I can’t find my pants.

Obama: I hate it when that happens. Wrap a towel around your tush and get whoever’s next in here. I’m not sure how long these batteries will last.

Emanuel: Okay, you. Go up, kiss the President’s ring and have a seat.

Congressman: Yeah fine, but stop poking me in the chest. Ah, Mr. President, what a pleasure it is for me to kiss your…

Obama: Hey, watch it. Don’t tongue my jewels. Do you have any idea how hard it is to get slobber out of one of these rings? Just, just… go sit on that hassock and face me. Rahm, kill the lights.

Congressman: Whoa, it’s kind of dark in here. Anyway, Mr President I can’t tell how much of an honor it for me to have a chance to speak to you, one on one like this, about jobs. My state’s unemployment…

Obama: What ever. Listen, let me make this clear, right after all the other stuff, my primary focus is on jobs. I have a Laser-like Focus.

Congressman: What’s… What’s that little red light on my jacket? Do…ah. Is ah, ah Rahm Emanuel pointing a..a weapon at me? Mr. President, you KNOW I’m here for you. There’s no need to…

Obama: ♫ Relax.
♫ Scheme those schemes
♫ Got to hit me
♫ Hit me
♫ Hit me with those laser beams

Congressman: Huh?

Obama: This just reminds me of an old 80′s, Frankie goes to Hollywood song. Stop your worrying, no one’s pointing a weapon at you. What you’re seeing is my Laser-like Focus.

Congressman: Oh. Oh…you had me worried there for a minute. Oh! I get it. You mean you have a laser pointer you’re using as an idiom for your focus.

Emanuel: I think you mean, analogy. Kant’s Critique of Judgment succinctly argues…

Congressman: Figures you’d quote a philosopher with your name. I believe you may call it a metaphor, but never…

Emanuel: Metaphor? If anything, it’s closer to an allegory than a …

Obama: Both of you, knock it off! It’s not any of those words, it’s my Laser-like Focus dammit, and don’t forget it. Now Congressman, you need to see the light. Rahm.

Congressman: What are you doing behind me?

Emanuel: I’m just going to hold your eyes open so you can see the truth, Alex. Viddy well, little brother. Viddy well.

Congressman: My name’s not Alex… Hey, if you have both hands holding my eyes open, what’s poking me in…

Obama: Rahm.

Emanuel: What? I’ve only got two hands. You can’t expect me to hold the towel too.

Congressman: Ah, Mr. President, please watch were you’re shinning that laser pointer…

Obama: Laser-like Focus! Laser-like Focus!

Congressman: Yes, Mr. President, but please don’t shine it in… OH MY EYES! It burns!

Emanuel: Now you’re going to feel a little prick.

Congressman: I think I already…Ouch! What did you inject me with? I feel…ohooooooo…

Emanuel: I think he’s ready. I’ll turn the lights back on. Now where did I drop that towel?

Obama: To answer you question Congressman, you’ve been drugged and blinded by the light. Man, those 80′s tunes are catchy.

Emanuel: Actually, it was recorded in 1973 by Springsteen…

Obama: Great Freaking Teddy’s Ghost, do you ever shut-up? Holy crap. Where was I? Oh yeah. Congressman, repeat after me. I will vote for anything President Obama wants.

Congressman: I will vote for anything President Obama wants.

Obama: I will support the Democrat Party and ensure my President’s legacy.

Congressman: I will support the Democrat Party and ensure my President’s legacy.

Obama: Rahm. Get him out of here and bring in the next one.

Congressman: Rahm. Get him out of here and bring in the next one.

Eat Lead

So many of our elected civil servants (oxymoron alert) have swallowed the Far Left’s line, hook and sinker. For those of you who’ve never fished, the hook and line are an obvious part of the angling experience, but many may not know what the sinker is for. They’re lead pieces used to “sink” the hook to the bottom of a body of water. So to say our elected officials have swallowed… that is, the hook, line and sinker, means not only they’ve been caught, but also that they’re bottom feeders.

Please understand that while swallowing the hook and line causes me concern about their ability to make independent decisions (second oxymoron alert), politicians swallowing lead doesn’t bother me in the slightest. Especially if it’s traveling at a minimum of eight hundred feet per second.

Slanted Journalism at its Finest

Once again, I’ll take a very little real information, a large dose of personal opinion and several scoops of bias, and miraculously extrapolate a salient post. In other words, act just as irresponsibly as the Main Stream Media.

Somethin’s Fishy

Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish and you feed him prison chow. I heard Obama wants to ban sports fishing, making it a crime. I don’t know if that’s completely true, but it fits well with my preconceived notions.

We won’t be allowed fish, so we won’t eat fish. Cattle and pig farts kill polar bears. Take them off the menu. The treatment of chickens is immoral. Scratch KFC. That leaves vegetarianism, and I think I read somewhere that exclusively eating flora has a bigger carbon footprint than chowing down on bacon cheeseburgers. I’m so confused.

But seriously, would you Rather have a juicy bacon cheeseburger, or a seedy watermelon? One thing’s for sure, I don’t need a state trooper to flag me into the drive-though of my local, artery clogging fast food joint. I love going to these places, even if I have a hard time understanding the help.

For his next trick, the President wants to overhaul immigrants. I’m having my transmission overhauled. It’s not working right. Does this mean Obama wants to fix illegals so they work right? All I know is, in order to get my truck fixed, it’s going to cost a bundle.

As we segue into Obama Care (except segue means to transition without a pause, and now I’ve created one… crap)

Expensive? No way. Health Care reform will actually save money. Just think, 118 billion a year in savings! In no time at all, we’ll balance the budget, and turn that 40 Trillion in deficits and unfunded entitlements, into a surplus. I tried to figure-out how long that would take, but my calculator’s little screen wouldn’t hold all those zeros. We just have to get Obama’s John Hancock on the bill.

Rep. Louse Slaughter (D-NY) has a great idea for doing just that. Hang on. New York. Isn’t that where Charley Rangel, Eric Massa, Eliot Spitzer and David Patterson are from? Oops, got distracted. Anyway, Slaughter wants to have the House just kind of say they passed the Senate Health Care Bill without actually voting on it. Then Obama can sign it into law.

The Senate will then fix it so everyone is satisfied. After that, Pelosi says we can find out what’s in there. Of course it all grossly violates the Constitution, but what the hell, we got the health care the majority of Americans have been asking for. Happy days are here again.

How’d I do? Can I write for a major news outlet now?