Political Humor

State of the Union Speech

The following is a rambling, ‘stream of consciousness’ email sent from President Barack Hussein Obama to his speechwriters, as a starting point for the State of the Union speech. It gives a hint at the inner workings of the mind of our Commander and Chief.

Here are a few thoughts about what to include in the State Of the Union Speech.

President Of The United States = POTUS. State Of The Union = SOTU. I’m POTUS, I am in charge of the states, so really it’s about me, my state and what I am. So should be called the State Of Barack.

People like it when I use ‘I’,’ ‘me’ and the ‘royal we’ in my speeches. Gives impression I’m one of them. Which I’m not, but still… Use liberally.

State of the Union? Point: I’m not giving the speech in a state. It’s in D.C.. What the hell is a District anyway?

Question: What is the State of the Union?

Answer: Uncivil.

Solution: We need a Civil Union. I’m for Civil Unions. It isn’t called the State of the Marriage Speech for a reason. Can’t imagine Rhode Island being married to Arizona, for example.

Then again, James Carville is married to Mary Matalin. Must re-think gay marriage. Wouldn’t it be great if we had two gay generals married to each other? Just a thought, don’t use.

Put emphasis on the Most Vulnerable -Poor, Children and Elderly. Work in that Republicans don’t like them.

Economy: Don’t use Laser-like focus on jobs anymore; instead, Create Climate for Growth or some such. This type of Climate Change is good. The government has grown and is prospering. So expansion and prosperity are possible. I have set the standard. Now businesses need to globally warm to the New Normal.

We will not bailout states, but will instead invest in programs that give me the best chance of re-election (note- put in better terms). Like ensuring state government worker’s and teacher’s pensions are fully funded. Spin to say we are doing it for the children, etc.

Must fix gap between haves and have-nots. Cuba is good example. Better not use that either.

Will fight Bush Tax Cuts in 2012.

Justification: Higher taxes create jobs by providing more money for the government to invest in Job Growth Programs, which leads to more jobs, and more people having more money, so we can tax their higher incomes, and then we can justify raising taxes so we don’t have to pull the plug on granny. Republicans will kill elderly and children if we don’t invest or they mess with Obama Care.

Thought: The country is divided. No way to bring country together, so get rid of opposition. Problem solved. Make sure Tea Party, talk radio and Fox News are silenced.

Action: I will sign an Executive Order against Hate Speech -that, and looking for my Birth Certificate.

Work in Michelle’s Miracle Garden that grows under snow, and feeds hungry kids in Africa and Honduras.

Ensure there are plenty of applause lines. With Democrats and Republicans sitting together, I want them popping up all over the place, like Wack-A-Mole.

Oh, and since seating is different this time, get some dirty kids with head lice to sit next to Thomas and Scalia or Boehner and Cantor, but for sure Paul Ryan. If you can’t get the kids, find some bag ladies with scabies.

Biggest Point: MAKE ME LOOK GOOD! I do already, but you know what I mean. Remember there are a lot of turn-overs in my administration right now, and I hear Keith Olberman is looking for job.

Then again, Olberman might make a good Press Secretary replacement for Robert Gibbs.

In the Oval Office. Wednesday January 27, 2010. Just before the State of the Union Address which is scheduled to begin at 9pm Eastern time.

An advisor goes over some of the last remaining business of the day with President Obama.

What should we do about the earthquake that devastated Haiti, Mr. President?

We’ll have to investigate what role Climate Change played in this catastrophe. Assemble a bipartisan committee to research this troublesome matter.

But, Mr. President, What if Global Warming — I mean “Climate Change” had nothing to do with the earthquake?

Come now, you can twist statistics and data to support anything, especially with the right funding, if you know what I mean.

Of course, sir. Government grants can certainly inspire hope, and CHANGE of relevant data when there are threats of withdrawing next year’s grants.

It wasn’t necessary to explain to me what *I* meant.

Of course not, Mr. President. I was just noticing that bucket in the corner and was concerned that you might get your head stuck in it. I was thinking that I should call maintenance and have it removed.

What bucket?

That one over there, Mr. President.

I see no problem with that bucket. I’m quite certain that there is no possibility of it getting stuck. Look. I’ll prove it to you.

No! Mr. President. Dammit! Too late.

See. I told you it wouldn’t get stuck. It comes right… Uh. See you just lift it. Maybe if you just wiggle a little as you lift, then that will… No. Give me hand here. I wouldn’t want to say that this bucket is stuck on my head, but I think an extra pair of hands might just do the trick.

It’s not coming off Mr. President. I think it’s stuck.

No. Just jostle it side to side as you pull. It will pop right off then.

Still not working. I’m pretty certain that it’s stuck. I never should have mentioned it. I know you have a knack for doing these sort of things.

We need to get this off. I have a State of the Union Address coming up and I need to consult the Mighty TelePrompter as to what my postitions are on a few issues. I don’t know where I stand yet. There’s no time!

Maybe Jack Bauer can help. He’s always good in a pinch.

He’s not real you idiot. Get this damn bucket off my head before I have to go live!

A voice came over the PA. “…The man with the plan. He brought Hope. He brought Change. Ladies and gentlemen. Let me present to you, The President of the United States. BaaaaaaaaaaaaRack OoooooooBaaaaaaaaaaamaaaaaaaaaa!”

You’re just going to have to go out there with a bucket on your head sir. I’m sorry.

Yeah. Me too.