Political Humor

Eric reveals the double secret knowledge behind the 1 million jobs that have been created or saved by the economic stimulus package.

In an exclusive, I have discovered the source of millions of created or saved jobs. Now this isn’t some creative calculator art or fishiness, these are real, genuine, factually created or saved jobs. These jobs are funded and backed by and have been saved or created by the stimulus. Now you may ask how I can prove such a thing. So here is my proof:

Every two weeks I receive a check ($44) that is clearly labeled

THIS FEDERAL ADDITIONAL COMPENSATION (FAC) CHECK IS BEING ISSUED TO YOU AS A SUPPLEMENTAL UNEMPLOYMENT AS ENACTED IN THE AMERICAN RECOVERY AND REINVESTMENT ACT OF 2009.

Clearly funds are being used to keep me in my current employment, thus saving, or creating 1 (one) job. With these checks being issued, every single individual check issued in this method can be counted as a saved or created job.

It doesn’t matter to the mulatto mendacity that my current job is being unemployed, I’m being paid for doing it with stimulus funds.

It doesn’t take a genius to figure that every extra person on unemployment receiving this check is another positive use of stimulus funds. Just last month another 190,000 jobs were created adding all these valuable jobs to the payroll of unemployment, not to mention the 5.6 million, or so saved unemployment jobs.

So the next time someone asks you, you can proudly say you personally know at least one job that was created or saved by ARRA2009 (stimulus). HOPE AND CHANGE.

Image Credit: Unemployment Olympics 2009, Tompkins Park by Clementine Gallot

Good evening, America. I am Janet Napolitano, and I am speaking to you in an effort to quell your fears about the recent epidemic of swine flu. Do not be afraid because your messiahPresident, and his apostles cabinet are coming up with innovative new solutions to combat this microbial menace.

Make no mistake, this is the worst public health disaster since the Black Death of the 1300′s. As such, we must act now. There is no time to waste. Currently, members of the House and Senate are working on bipartisan bills that look like Tolstoy novels. We know from past experience that legislation with more pages than the average trailer park resident can count make you sheep people feel like we are trying to help you. I mean, not that we aren’t. Trying to help you I mean. Well, as opposed to doing things solely to solidify the Democrats grip on…but I digress. Where was I?

Anyway, President Obama wants to make sure you people understand that now is not the time to get all xenophobic. Yes, we understand that the problem likely originated in Mexico, and spread here through our porous southern border. We also understand that it seems like common sense to start shoring up our borders and immigration policies. We will, however, not do any of those things that sound like good ideas.

What we are going to do is vote on this mammoth “Health Stimulus Bill” tomorrow even though it has 23,000 pages and would be humanly impossible to read in such a short amount of time. This bill is going to spend 14 trillion dollars on things such as AIDS research in Africa, creating solar power-plants, mag-lev trains, funding HAMAS education programs in Gaza, and lining the pockets of ACORN.

Remember, now is not the time to panic. The swine flu is only here to infect the people that American flu strains are too lazy to infect. Don’t go clinging to guns and bibles. You won’t be able to bring those to the camp…oops.

If you would like to read more of Janet Napolitano…oops…I mean JumpOut, you can find him writing law enforcement humor at You Should Be Tasered

Tired of this? Read on. It only gets worse.

The following is an official message from the United States Department Of Acronyms

DOA (not to be confused with the Department of the Army, DA) will release, early next week, a series of new, catchy “words” to help abbreviate cumbersome verbiage surrounding newly formed government programs and official groups or titles.

The DOA has been a little known, but highly influential department for more than sixty years. Many of these acronymised phrases have found their way into the every day lexicon of American speech. Coming from the WWII era are the now familiar, SNAFU (Situation Normal, All Fouled Up) and the more profane, FUBAR (Fucked Up Beyond All Recognition)

Beginning in 1969, SALT (Strategic Arms Limitations Talks) -leading to START (Strategic Arms Reduction Treaty)- gained household usage. Most recently, the DOA has brought you TARP (Troubled Asset Relief Program).

The complexity, scope and actual meaning of these terms are considerably diminished by the use of such acronyms, but that is by design. Long before being made official, by an obscure clause in the Paperwork Reduction Act of 1995, most government agencies and the majority of elected officials had voluntarily chosen not to be very specific about any program, legislation, bill or law.

This seeming lack of specificity or “failure to verbalize details” has prompted the DOA to issue the following definitions, so as to clear up any misconceptions, prior to the release of these new acronyms.

TURD (Task force Undertaking Responsible Deficits) A Bi-Camberal committee, made up of Democrats and one token Republican -Snowe, Spector and Collins are being considered- to oversee the creation of the CRAP.

…Snowe, Spector and Collins are being considered -to oversee the creation of the CRAP

CRAP (Congressional Revenue Action Plan): Working closely with President Obama, the TURD will create the CRAP, which in turn, will produce a number of FARTs.

FART (Financial Assistance and Response Team): These teams will be responsible to be the vanguard of the effort to stem the flow of any drain on the economy. These “Fiscal Engineers” will use actual dollars to attempt to plug any hole found in the Stimulus Package, SPII, SPIII or TARP II or III. They are also the “eyes and ears” of this program and will report directly to the TURD. Most will be deployed in the open but some will be undercover or stealth.

BLIND (Beyond Legally Inferred Normal Definitions): Special actions taken by the FARTs, as authorized by the  CRAP, to insure “fair and equitable” economic recovery.

SHIT (Specific Help In Taxation): FARTs will be empowered to levy “targeted windfall additional taxation” upon individuals, groups or companies seen as not paying their “sensible share”.

In the coming weeks, official releases will be coming out using these new acronyms. A sample of what might be seen is provided below.

The Congressional TURD has passed the CRAP to President Obama. He is expected to initiate the CRAP in a ceremony on the White House lawn later today. Chief of Staff, Rob Emanuel said, “The Crap has passed the smell test. I fully expect the President to release the first FARTs very soon.”

There are likely to be a large number of FARTs released prior to any movement in the economic recovery area.

In the case of a FART discovering a wealthy person or institution that does not seem to be complying with the Fair and Equitable Rule of the CRAP, they will be referred to the TURD, prior to taking any action. The Congressional TURD will send its recommendations to the President.

Ultimately it will be the responsibility of President Obama whether the FART should SHIT or go BLIND.

The DOA hopes this clarifies this matter for you. If you have any questions regarding this or any other acronym, send a SASE to our PO Box and we’ll have an answer for you ASAP. Thank you.

Les James thinks farts are always funny and so are doctored pictures of Obuttma. Political humor and Satire by Radioactive Liberty encougages you to spread this funny picture wide, just like wealth.