Political Humor

Good evening, America. I am Janet Napolitano, and I am speaking to you in an effort to quell your fears about the recent epidemic of swine flu. Do not be afraid because your messiahPresident, and his apostles cabinet are coming up with innovative new solutions to combat this microbial menace.

Make no mistake, this is the worst public health disaster since the Black Death of the 1300′s. As such, we must act now. There is no time to waste. Currently, members of the House and Senate are working on bipartisan bills that look like Tolstoy novels. We know from past experience that legislation with more pages than the average trailer park resident can count make you sheep people feel like we are trying to help you. I mean, not that we aren’t. Trying to help you I mean. Well, as opposed to doing things solely to solidify the Democrats grip on…but I digress. Where was I?

Anyway, President Obama wants to make sure you people understand that now is not the time to get all xenophobic. Yes, we understand that the problem likely originated in Mexico, and spread here through our porous southern border. We also understand that it seems like common sense to start shoring up our borders and immigration policies. We will, however, not do any of those things that sound like good ideas.

What we are going to do is vote on this mammoth “Health Stimulus Bill” tomorrow even though it has 23,000 pages and would be humanly impossible to read in such a short amount of time. This bill is going to spend 14 trillion dollars on things such as AIDS research in Africa, creating solar power-plants, mag-lev trains, funding HAMAS education programs in Gaza, and lining the pockets of ACORN.

Remember, now is not the time to panic. The swine flu is only here to infect the people that American flu strains are too lazy to infect. Don’t go clinging to guns and bibles. You won’t be able to bring those to the camp…oops.

If you would like to read more of Janet Napolitano…oops…I mean JumpOut, you can find him writing law enforcement humor at You Should Be Tasered

Along with providing fresh and original conservative political humor, Radioactive Liberty understands our role in getting vital information to the public about the dangers we face in our daily lives.

Today we pass along some tips on avoiding Swine Flu.

Please read them thoroughly and act accordingly. The lives of yourselves and fellow Americans depend on it.

Do not interact with illegal immigrants

Did the Swine Flu begin in America then spread into Mexico?

No.

This is proof positive that we should not let the Typhoid Marias and Pandemic Pablos into our country. It does us no good to pay migrant workers dirt wages only to have them get us sick, thus negating the purpose of underpaying them in the first place.

Oh and also keep out anyone from France. They probably have like ten diseases in their underarm hair alone.

And I mean the women.

Do not have sex with pigs

You would think this advice would be a no-brainer but in this society?

There are warnings on plastic bags so people won’t put them over their head and kill themselves. There are childproof caps that adults can not open. DVD players set the time automatically.

So don’t have sex with pigs. Trust me on this.

If you do, wear a condom and then see a therapist after.

Keep your distance from gypsies

Did I ever tell you about the time I waited on a family of American gypsies?

They don’t exist you say? You never lived in northeastern Massachusetts my friends. The Moonies live there too by the way.

Anyways they rang up a $200 dollar bill and left a zero dollar tip.

Fucking gypsies. I hope they all get Swine Flu.

Pretend everyone infected is a zombie and blow their heads off with a shotgun

Spock once said: “The needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few.”

Frankly, I think he was full of crap. Nimoy was laying a guilt trip on the producers for an appearance in Star Trek 3.

He does have a point though about needing to kick some ass so start exercising your Second Amendment rights and start exorcising the Swine Flu from the zombies via the Boomstick.

Your country and Bruce Campbell will thank you for it.

Good night and God Bless America, especially in this time of crisis. And of course shop smart.

Shop S-Mart.

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Chris Cameron writes this weekly column every Wednesday as well as Political Humor Quick Hits every Tuesday here at Radioactive Liberty. You can also read funny but weird stuff at his own humor blog Angry Seafood.