Political Humor

State of the Union Speech

The following is a rambling, ‘stream of consciousness’ email sent from President Barack Hussein Obama to his speechwriters, as a starting point for the State of the Union speech. It gives a hint at the inner workings of the mind of our Commander and Chief.

Here are a few thoughts about what to include in the State Of the Union Speech.

President Of The United States = POTUS. State Of The Union = SOTU. I’m POTUS, I am in charge of the states, so really it’s about me, my state and what I am. So should be called the State Of Barack.

People like it when I use ‘I’,’ ‘me’ and the ‘royal we’ in my speeches. Gives impression I’m one of them. Which I’m not, but still… Use liberally.

State of the Union? Point: I’m not giving the speech in a state. It’s in D.C.. What the hell is a District anyway?

Question: What is the State of the Union?

Answer: Uncivil.

Solution: We need a Civil Union. I’m for Civil Unions. It isn’t called the State of the Marriage Speech for a reason. Can’t imagine Rhode Island being married to Arizona, for example.

Then again, James Carville is married to Mary Matalin. Must re-think gay marriage. Wouldn’t it be great if we had two gay generals married to each other? Just a thought, don’t use.

Put emphasis on the Most Vulnerable -Poor, Children and Elderly. Work in that Republicans don’t like them.

Economy: Don’t use Laser-like focus on jobs anymore; instead, Create Climate for Growth or some such. This type of Climate Change is good. The government has grown and is prospering. So expansion and prosperity are possible. I have set the standard. Now businesses need to globally warm to the New Normal.

We will not bailout states, but will instead invest in programs that give me the best chance of re-election (note- put in better terms). Like ensuring state government worker’s and teacher’s pensions are fully funded. Spin to say we are doing it for the children, etc.

Must fix gap between haves and have-nots. Cuba is good example. Better not use that either.

Will fight Bush Tax Cuts in 2012.

Justification: Higher taxes create jobs by providing more money for the government to invest in Job Growth Programs, which leads to more jobs, and more people having more money, so we can tax their higher incomes, and then we can justify raising taxes so we don’t have to pull the plug on granny. Republicans will kill elderly and children if we don’t invest or they mess with Obama Care.

Thought: The country is divided. No way to bring country together, so get rid of opposition. Problem solved. Make sure Tea Party, talk radio and Fox News are silenced.

Action: I will sign an Executive Order against Hate Speech -that, and looking for my Birth Certificate.

Work in Michelle’s Miracle Garden that grows under snow, and feeds hungry kids in Africa and Honduras.

Ensure there are plenty of applause lines. With Democrats and Republicans sitting together, I want them popping up all over the place, like Wack-A-Mole.

Oh, and since seating is different this time, get some dirty kids with head lice to sit next to Thomas and Scalia or Boehner and Cantor, but for sure Paul Ryan. If you can’t get the kids, find some bag ladies with scabies.

Biggest Point: MAKE ME LOOK GOOD! I do already, but you know what I mean. Remember there are a lot of turn-overs in my administration right now, and I hear Keith Olberman is looking for job.

Then again, Olberman might make a good Press Secretary replacement for Robert Gibbs.

Right Wing Devils Made Me Do It

Limbaugh: “We’re taking a twenty-one hour break. But we’ll be back tomorrow on Open Line Friday.”

Les: “We’ll enough life altering wisdom for today. I’ve got to get some writing done. If miss my deadline, Fiar will beat me like his pet hippie. Man it’s getting harder and harder to come up with satire when the whole government is satire already.”

Limbaugh: “So what did you think of today’s show?”

Les: “Huh, I thought I turned the radio off.”

Limbaugh: “You did.”

Les: “Very funny joke, Rush. Come on, we both know that you use Radioactive Liberty for show prep. Trying to get back at me? So where’s the speaker?”

Limbaugh: “I’m the speaker. Your guiding light in times of tumult…”

Les: “Yeah, yeah, whatever you say. Okay, how are you doing this? You got a Ditto Cam in here or what?”

Limbaugh: “No, no Ditto Cam, no EIB microphone. I’m in your head.”

Les: : “What?”

Limbaugh: “I’m in your head. Actually, I’m stuck in here.”

Les: “What do you mean you’re stuck?”

Limbaugh: “Just that. Like a song that you can’t get rid of. Stuck.”

Les: “Okay I’ll play along, how’d you get stuck in my head?”

Limbaugh: “You invited us in by listening to AM talk radio and watching Fox News. In a way, it’s your doing, not ours.”

Les: “Us? Ours? Who else is in there?”

Rivera: “Chris Wallace and I are getting sick and tired of being lumped in with all of you radical conservative rabble-rouser’s at Fox. So we’re going to sit over here and shake our heads a lot.”

Les: “Huh?”

Hannity: “You’re a Great American, Les.”

Les: “Sean? What the… As much as I love you guys, you, Mike Wallace, Geraldo and Rush need to go… now! Leave me alone.”

Hannity: “Can’t. We’re on a mission.”

Les: “What the hell do you mean you’re on a mission? It’s my head and I don’t want you in there. Go away!”

Coulter: “We aren’t leaving Les. Just get use to it. Michelle Malkin and I are actually enjoying being in your head. I’m starting to see where you come up with all of those Photoshop ideas. You’re a twisted little pup, aren’t you? By the way those Palin Pin-ups are hilarious. And…if you’d like… I’ll send you some pictures of me that don’t need to be Photoshoped, if you know what I’m saying.”

Les: “I…ah…”

Malkin: “Hey, Ann, come see what I just found in repressed memories. This one goes back to when he was seventeen and there was this girl who..”

Les: “Whoa! Stay out of there! That’s embarrassing stuff. Now all of you, go away!”

Beck: “Okay guys, I’ve got a big clown shoe. Say the word and I’ll give his cerebellum a good whack with it, and we’ll get on with the possession.”

Les: “Possession? Put the clown shoe down, Glenn. Do you hear me? Don’t you go anywhere near my…

Hannity: “Les? Les? Can you hear me?”

Les: “Yes, Sean.”

Hannity: “Good. Now this is very important.”

Les: “Yes, Sean. Very important.”

Hannity: “I want you to buy a Brooks Brothers suit. There’s a large, black SUV waiting for you in front of your house. Get in. They’ll take you to get fitted.

Les: “Yes, Sean. Brooks Brothers suit.”

Limbaugh: “Then you need to get on a bus to Pittsburgh. It’s a charter. I’m paying for it as well as the suit, so don’t worry about the cost.”

Les: “Get on the bus.”

Beck: “And when you arrive, look out for the clowns!”

Coulter: “Enough already with the clowns, Glenn. Now Les, when you get to Pennsylvania, goose step along with other people from the bus to a Town Hall meeting. The subject will be about anything but health care reform.”

Limbaugh: “You are to be part of a well dressed, but unruly, angry and possibly rabid, Republican Backed Mob. There’s going to be a Democrat Senator speaking that needs heckling. Oh, and if anybody ask, you were sent there by an insurance company.”

Les: “Yes. Masters.”