Political Humor

Picks Have Consequences

Repubs get rebuffed here too

We get the government we deserve because we pick ‘em. It’s really that simple.

“Watch out, you might get what you’re after.”

- Talking Heads, Burning Down the House.

When you were a kid, did your mommy sometimes let you pick which one, of whatever, you wanted? Did you ever regret your choice? Did she tell you not to pick your nose? Did you listen? Have you grown-up and learned to pick better? No, not your nose.

Those weren’t rhetorical questions. Please share with us in the comments about your bad picks. It’ll be fun -at least for me. But again, not your nose picks.

OK, nose picks too.

Picking The Locks

We’ve allowed our elected representatives (notice I didn’t use leaders) to pick the locks on our money chest. Remember, we picked ‘em before they picked the locks … and our pockets.

Matter of fact, they also picked the lock on the chaste belt of the children’s and grandchildren’s future. You know full well what they did after that. And we stood back and let it happen. We gave ‘em an opening, and they slipped in. Sorry, bad choice of words, but it sure drives home the point.

The question to me is, why did they have to pick the locks? Didn’t we give ‘em the keys? What happened to ‘em? What happened to the locks? The national treasure’s been plundered, and few seem to want to secure the lock boxes.

Of Course, I Have A Solution

Looks like we may have picked a few good ones in this last election. Time will tell if they will get the lock boxes closed again.

Once we send them new locks, we’ll see if our latest picks will use ‘em, and if they can resist picking the new locks. If not, we’ll just have to pick better, in 2012. Either way, it’s time we started keeping better track our picks.

Boxes Of Lockses

Think about it. What kind of message would be sent, if Congress started getting thousands of locks from across the country? Don’t look to me to start this. Like one of my bosses use to tell me, “I’m an idea guy. They just keep coming. Your jobs is to implement.”

Well, get out of here and go to the hardware store!

State of the Union Speech

The following is a rambling, ‘stream of consciousness’ email sent from President Barack Hussein Obama to his speechwriters, as a starting point for the State of the Union speech. It gives a hint at the inner workings of the mind of our Commander and Chief.

Here are a few thoughts about what to include in the State Of the Union Speech.

President Of The United States = POTUS. State Of The Union = SOTU. I’m POTUS, I am in charge of the states, so really it’s about me, my state and what I am. So should be called the State Of Barack.

People like it when I use ‘I’,’ ‘me’ and the ‘royal we’ in my speeches. Gives impression I’m one of them. Which I’m not, but still… Use liberally.

State of the Union? Point: I’m not giving the speech in a state. It’s in D.C.. What the hell is a District anyway?

Question: What is the State of the Union?

Answer: Uncivil.

Solution: We need a Civil Union. I’m for Civil Unions. It isn’t called the State of the Marriage Speech for a reason. Can’t imagine Rhode Island being married to Arizona, for example.

Then again, James Carville is married to Mary Matalin. Must re-think gay marriage. Wouldn’t it be great if we had two gay generals married to each other? Just a thought, don’t use.

Put emphasis on the Most Vulnerable -Poor, Children and Elderly. Work in that Republicans don’t like them.

Economy: Don’t use Laser-like focus on jobs anymore; instead, Create Climate for Growth or some such. This type of Climate Change is good. The government has grown and is prospering. So expansion and prosperity are possible. I have set the standard. Now businesses need to globally warm to the New Normal.

We will not bailout states, but will instead invest in programs that give me the best chance of re-election (note- put in better terms). Like ensuring state government worker’s and teacher’s pensions are fully funded. Spin to say we are doing it for the children, etc.

Must fix gap between haves and have-nots. Cuba is good example. Better not use that either.

Will fight Bush Tax Cuts in 2012.

Justification: Higher taxes create jobs by providing more money for the government to invest in Job Growth Programs, which leads to more jobs, and more people having more money, so we can tax their higher incomes, and then we can justify raising taxes so we don’t have to pull the plug on granny. Republicans will kill elderly and children if we don’t invest or they mess with Obama Care.

Thought: The country is divided. No way to bring country together, so get rid of opposition. Problem solved. Make sure Tea Party, talk radio and Fox News are silenced.

Action: I will sign an Executive Order against Hate Speech -that, and looking for my Birth Certificate.

Work in Michelle’s Miracle Garden that grows under snow, and feeds hungry kids in Africa and Honduras.

Ensure there are plenty of applause lines. With Democrats and Republicans sitting together, I want them popping up all over the place, like Wack-A-Mole.

Oh, and since seating is different this time, get some dirty kids with head lice to sit next to Thomas and Scalia or Boehner and Cantor, but for sure Paul Ryan. If you can’t get the kids, find some bag ladies with scabies.

Biggest Point: MAKE ME LOOK GOOD! I do already, but you know what I mean. Remember there are a lot of turn-overs in my administration right now, and I hear Keith Olberman is looking for job.

Then again, Olberman might make a good Press Secretary replacement for Robert Gibbs.

“Dawning now my gay apparel. Fa la la, la la la. La, la, la,…”

Uncle Sam pulled the covers from over his head, so as to discover the source of the of f-key caroling.

His bedchamber had been transformed into great hall of feasting. It held far more food than could be ever eaten before it rotted. Seated upon the main table, in the middle of a Cornucopia of Plenty, was the Fruitcake of Fire Island, Barney Frank.

“You must be the Ghost of Congress Present,” Uncle Sam said.

“The one and only. Look upon me!” Barney lisped, as he lobed a turkey leg at Uncle Sam’s head, which he easily dodged.

“You throw like a girl.”

“And?”

“Who’s going to eat all of this?”

“Just me.”

“So most of it will go to waste?” Uncle Sam asked.

“And?”

“I suppose you’re going to show me what Christmas would be like without me?”

“Nope.” Half-chewed food rolled out of Barney’s open mouth. “I’m going to show you Christmas like it is. All the poor, huddled, unwashed masses, hoping you’d do more for them.”

“Tax the rich. Feed the poor…”

“Til there are no rich no more. You got it.”

With a sashay and a swish, they we off.

Upon his return, Uncle Sam indeed did feel as though he needed to reach deeper into the empty public coffers, but it was his last visitor that didst spook him the most.

The specter was adorned as a Tea Party Patriot, except in black and grays. Of course, he uttered not a word.

Then there was the obligatory graveyard scene, and the tombstone, and all the “Oh, spirit, I get it now. I’ve changed. You’ll see. You don’t have to do this. Please spare me! Please!” and the rest of the blubbering and begging .Uncle Sam awoke the next morning, tore open the shutters and through up the sash.

“Hey you, lad,” Uncle Sam yelled down to the street below. “Is that giant turkey still hanging around?”

“Yeap. This is DC, after all,” the young lad cried.

“Leave it where it be. If I’ve learned nothing else this night just past, I know now I have no need some monster turkey, and I certainly do not require any further pork. Those things do not bring happiness nor prosperity. I’m heading out to acquire a simple burger and side of Freedom Fries. No one can be of ill spirits whilst eating a hamburger, my boy.”

“Mister, it’s Christmas Day, nothin’s open.”

“Shit.”

It is a fair, even-handed, noble adjustment of things, that while there is infection in disease and sorrow, there is nothing in the world so irresistibly contagious as laughter and good-humour. -A Christmas Carol, Charles Dickens