Political Humor

Eric reveals the double secret knowledge behind the 1 million jobs that have been created or saved by the economic stimulus package.

In an exclusive, I have discovered the source of millions of created or saved jobs. Now this isn’t some creative calculator art or fishiness, these are real, genuine, factually created or saved jobs. These jobs are funded and backed by and have been saved or created by the stimulus. Now you may ask how I can prove such a thing. So here is my proof:

Every two weeks I receive a check ($44) that is clearly labeled

THIS FEDERAL ADDITIONAL COMPENSATION (FAC) CHECK IS BEING ISSUED TO YOU AS A SUPPLEMENTAL UNEMPLOYMENT AS ENACTED IN THE AMERICAN RECOVERY AND REINVESTMENT ACT OF 2009.

Clearly funds are being used to keep me in my current employment, thus saving, or creating 1 (one) job. With these checks being issued, every single individual check issued in this method can be counted as a saved or created job.

It doesn’t matter to the mulatto mendacity that my current job is being unemployed, I’m being paid for doing it with stimulus funds.

It doesn’t take a genius to figure that every extra person on unemployment receiving this check is another positive use of stimulus funds. Just last month another 190,000 jobs were created adding all these valuable jobs to the payroll of unemployment, not to mention the 5.6 million, or so saved unemployment jobs.

So the next time someone asks you, you can proudly say you personally know at least one job that was created or saved by ARRA2009 (stimulus). HOPE AND CHANGE.

Image Credit: Unemployment Olympics 2009, Tompkins Park by Clementine Gallot

Saturday afternoon Obama told us he is going to create 3.5 million new jobs. By midnight it was up to 4.1 million.

Obama: “Folks, I have a new plan. Everyone gets a job. Starting Monday, just go down to your local government agency, doesn’t matter which one and apply for a job. Guess what, you are hired.

I don’t know what you will do, but we will figure something out. Maybe you can replace old lightbulbs with new, mercury-filled ones, or tear down coal plants. This is a new economy and we need new solutions.

Ask not what you can do for your country ask what your country can do for you.”

Is this guy the Messiah or what? Quick someone get him a leper to cure or water to turn into wine.

But wait folks, there’s more!

You know how those charities claim to be able to feed children in third world countries for just the price of a cup of coffee? Well, Our Lord has a similar plan. He’s lopping off $500 of your payroll taxes, giving you approximately $1.37 extra in your paycheck every day. Every day!

I know, I was amazed too when I found out about this new-found wealth. What will I do with that extra nine bucks and change a week? Where will I invest it? How the hell is anyone buying this bulls#1t Obama is feeding us?

For just the price of a cup of java you can feed a child…your own.

Oh yeah, just ignore John Kennedy’s body rolling over in his grave while Obama blows out his eternal flame. It’s better that way.

Chris Cameron writes a weekly column here every Thursday and also has his own humor blog Angry Seafood.