Political Humor

Dear Glorious Leader,

In the current global financial crisis, times are getting tough. With your plans to spread the wealth around, auto maker bailouts, banking industry bailouts, and many other proposed socialist programs, it seems that the only way to weather the storm is to more effectively save money. I have done as much as I can to clip coupons, buy things only when they are on discount, carpool to save on money on gas, and make my home more efficient at saving energy and money.

However it seems like once the across the board tax increases come, even these money saving measures will not be enough. I really need to know how to save a lot of money. What other money saving tips can you offer?

~ Strapped in Stratham

Before I get to my advice on saving money, I would like to clarify my position on taxes. Many people are under the misconception that I will raise taxes across the board, but this is not true. Taxes will only increase for the super, excessively wealthy, as defined by people that earn more than 150 dollars per year. Everyone that earns less than that will actually receive a tax cut.

Strapped, one thing is certain. You absolutely can not count on the financial institutions to keep your money safe. Forget stocks, mutual funds, and even low risk investments such as money market accounts. If we’ve learned one thing from this financial crisis, it’s that if you put your money in the bank, your money will wind up being used to give a half million dollar mortgage to a hobo.

While there are no easy ways to save money, I suggest investing in mattresses. Matresses are heavy, so it will not be easy for someone in the burgeoning industry of home invasion and burglary to steal your money. It won’t wind up being loaned to a hobo, and mattresses last for years.

However, after my policies are implemented, you will probably only need a crib mattress, because you really won’t have all that much money to stuff away into the mattress. I hope this has helped you horde away a little bit more of your spare change.

Disclaimer, don’t take your advice from a political humor site. We are not liable if you attempt to save money using any or all methods outlined in this humor advice column.

Next time we will take on some more of the reader submitted questions. Ask what would Obama do? in the comments section.