Political Humor

Vanna White is responsible for her job related vowel movements

While Obama is irresponsible for his job related BMs

Remember you can’t spell Obama without BM

The economy is bad. President Obama says that the financial crisis will only get worse. And worse. And even worse still. One concerned reader has written to Obama for advice on how to navigate this recession.

Dear most benevolent one,

I have recently lost my job, and I have been unable to find new employment for several months now. I have looked everywhere, but in my area there really just aren’t any jobs to be had. I am struggling to make ends meet, and soon I will run out of money that I had socked away for a rainy day. I really need some advice on how I can back on my feet. I eagerly await your reply, My Liege.

~ Jobless in Jacksonville

I would try to be more resourceful. There’s a whole Internet out there that Al Gore invented, and it’s rich with home business opportunities. I would look into some of these options to begin generating some income.

For example, did you know that you can get paid to fill out surveys? I find that almost as intriguing as I find the dimensions of this bucket, which may or may not be big enough to fit on my head. My favorite surveys are the ones that ask questions like:

How would you rate President Obama’s job performance? Good, Great, Awesome, or Rock on Dude!

Another perfectly legitimate work from home jobs option is to work from home stuffing envelopes. You could send out new posters with me on them. Sadly, there are many Americans that only have posters of me from before I was elected President. You can help by being part of the solution instead of part of the problem.

You could also try blogging for dollars. There are many people writing these weblogs, or blogs, these days, and I have found that they can be a great way to make money doing nothing. You could make a blog about how awesome I am.

If you can develop a rabid and devoted following that hangs on to your every word as if it were gospel, you can sell almost anything. You could even tell them that your shit doesn’t stink and they will believe it. And if your shit does stink, we’re running a limited time offer on my new Obama Colon Cleanse. Satisfaction is guaranteed. If my colon cleanse doesn’t clean you out, my tax increases will.

See how easy it was to throw a little sales pitch there in the middle? I know many people worry about looking like shady, slimy, corrupt marketers by asking people to buy something. One of my best friends is a domestic terrorist, and I got elected President of the United States of America, so clearly there is no need to be concerned about your credibility. It wouldn’t be at all difficult to sell a few Obama Victory Plates, Obama tshirts, Obama Chia heads, Obama bobble head dolls, or Obama coin collections.

It’s easy to make money without contributing anything at all of value, and if you don’t believe me, just look at my own career for proof. However, you may have a little difficulty with this business strategy if you are not a vacant, empty suit with bubble gum pop star appeal.

Disclaimer: Don’t take home business advice from a political humor site, and don’t take blogging advice from a guy who can’t stop getting his head stuck in a bucket. Obama Colon Cleanse may or may not be a real product, but if it is real it’s a sure sign of the Apocalypse.

Obama Bucket Head Image courtesy of Sideshow Mirrors Satire. Origin of Obama Bucket Joke by Frank J of IMAO right wing humor.

If you have a question for What Would Obama Do, please leave it in the comments.

In this recurring humor advice column, President Obama responds to reader questions about beating hippies, Senate seats, blogging, and more.

Dear Mr. President,

I’ve done well for myself and now I find that a few of my relatives are not so fortunate. I have a strange feeling that comes over me once in a while. It’s kind of like I feel like I should help them. WWOD?

Sincerely,

Moneybags

Mr. Moneybags, lucky for you, I have extensive personal experience in this area, including a half brother, and an aunt. These feelings are common among the excessively wealthy. Many times, those who succeed begin to have feelings that they should do more to act as benefactors to their family members. Do not worry about these feelings. The Federal Government exists to spread the wealth around to the less fortunate. It’s not your responsibility, so just let the guilt go.

*

Oh great and wise savior of humanity,

A friend gave me a pet hippie for Christmas. At first I was very enthusiastic about my gift. I was going to hang it upside down in my shed and use it as a heavy bag to practice my haymakers and roundhouse kicks. I was even assured that there was no need to feed my new pet hippie. However, the damned thing does nothing but whine incessantly. It’s literally nonstop.

The fact is, the stupid thing just won’t shut the f^^k up, no matter what I do. I tried putting a bag over it’s head to trick it into thinking it’s night time. I even tried beating it harder in the hopes that I could beat some sense into it. But all it does is whine, “blah blah civil rights, blah blah blah torture, bitch and moan UN Charter, wah wah wah!”

So, my question is, do I pretend like it’s a wonderful gift, and thank my friend for his thoughfulness, or tell him the truth – that his gift sucks? What would Obama do?

~ Confused in Coatesville

First, let me say that I do not condone beating hippies. Racketeering, shady land deals, corruption, and befriending domestic terrorists is more my gig. There’s a saying, “don’t look a gift horse in the mouth.” I don’t know what that means, maybe I will figure that out just as soon as I get this bucket unstuck from my head. But one thing is sure, hold on to what you’ve got. My administration will seek to strip you of everything you own, including your pet hippie.

*

Dear Obama,

I am a liberal blogger but since Starbucks has banned me for having a pet ferret I had to find other places to find free wifi. There was the local McDonald’s but it closed due to Bush’s financial policies. Now I have nowhere to blog from.

My only options are: quit blogging and end my promotion of the Democratic mantra or sue Starbucks to allow me to blog there with my pet ferret.

What would Obama do?

~ SuperLiberal

Fight the power! Don’t let the man get you down. Rome wasn’t built in a day. I’m sure there are a few more motivational cliches I could throw your way including something or other about hope and change, but I will simply state that you need to keep fighting the good fight.

Bloggers like you are the bread and butter of America. You are our last best hope. A winner never quits and a quitter never wins. Policy-wise, I am planning on building an all encompassing free wifi network, so if you don’t find someplace to blog from soon, just wait until the infrastructure is in place. I project it will be fully functional by about 2048. Just never give up.

*

Obama, I am a highly unqualified senatorial hopeful from Massachusetts New York. However, the world saw my father’s brains get blown out on film, so doesn’t that make me qualified . . . not matter how much of an idiot I am?

(Also, I could not fill out this form in crayon. What would Obama do?)

~ CKNY

Once again, I would like to remind people that the questions you send to What Would Obama Do? are completely anonymous. I would never make a government employee dig into your background, or send truth squads out to silence you. So, to answer your question Caroline Kennedy, there is no need to have any form of experience to be a successful Senator. You don’t even need to show up for work most of the time, and when you do, all you need to do is vote “Present.”

I was a Senator who never did anything but give a rousing speech once, and I got elected President. For further evidence that no experience or intelligence is required, see also Kennedy, Edward. Being directly related to a former President, quite honestly, makes you overqualified for the job. If I weren’t already elected President, I would say that is the position you should seek.

As for your difficulties with the form, you’re supposed to hire the peasantry to do such mundane tasks. Filling out forms is beneath you.

*

I hate you. WWOD about that?

~ JumpOut

I’m sorry to hear that. We currently have government employees digging into your background. Truth squads have already been dispatched to silence you. You will be sent to a reeducation camp, and will not be released until you see the light.

*

That concludes this edition of the What Would Obama Do? humor advice column. As a disclaimer, I would like to point out that you really should not take advice from a conservative humor and satire site, or any conservative at all – ever for that matter. Also, don’t take advice from empty headed, empty suits that get elected on the basis of no substance whatsoever. If you do choose to follow any of the advice, we are not responsible for any resulting injury, bankruptcy, impotence, divorce, or death that may result.

Feel free to leave your questions for President Obama in the comments section.