Political Humor

Clusterphobes Anonymous

Hi, my name’s Les and I’m Clusterphobic.

A chorus of voices rings out, “Hi Les, we’re Clusterphobes too!”

I’m what you use to call a con-ser-va-tive. But since that word no longer seems to hold the meaning it use to, I decided to come up with a different label.

Funny thing about this meeting, we don’t have a 12-step program. We don’t need one. None of us want to change. We like being Clusterphobes. Well, maybe like is the wrong word. We LOVE being Clusterphobes.

But just what does it mean to be Clusterphobic, you might be asking. The best way I know how to describe it, is by breaking down the term.

Definition of root words:
Cluster: a number of things of the same kind that are held together through a common bond, i.e. a bunch, group, gang or gaggle.

Phobia: pathological fear of something that is irrational or out of proportion. The problem here is, whose yardstick is it that is being used to measure the irrationality or the proportionality? I tell you what. It’s not mine.

So what this means is that Clusterphobia is a seemingly unwarranted dread of political parties, committees, government organizations, unions, boards or other similar groups, gangs, gaggles or… clusters.

Now you might think that it’s rather oxymoronic to have a group that fears groups. Kind of like a hermit colony. But I assure you, that’s not the case.

You see, we only fear -dread would be a better way to put it- certain groups, the groups that take the fun out of life. You know the ones. They vote for Dicktators!

Pissing Off the Left

Multiple studies have shown that us racist, bigoted, gay bashing, hate-filled, war mongers actually enjoy  happier, more satisfying social and sexual lives than our Socialist counterparts.

And this tends to piss the libs off. They start to toss about verbiage they heard on the nightly news or in the classroom.

Let’s look at one of the most commonly tossed about labels. We’re just paranoid, they will tell us. Apart from being one of the seminal albums of the 70′s, it holds a much more sinister connotation in the mouths of the Obamaites.

Paranoia: Fear of the supposed hostility from others. But remember, that doesn’t mean they really aren’t out to get you. Admittedly a bit cliché, but it gets the point across. Any right-winger who doesn’t believe that the left is out to get them just hasn’t had the pleasure of crossing their path.

They would take it a little further and say we’re angry, irrationally scared and probably prone to violence. That sounds much more like the traits of those who will be waiting in line for the Obama-Nation to hand out their jackboots, Billy clubs and brown shirts, when His civilian, internal peace keeping force is established.

In their opinion, a good bashing about or a little bit of government sponsored re-training, and those suffer from this condition, just might be turned into freethinking (translates: free from thinking), over tax paying citizens of the world.

Then we too can marvel and wonder at just how anyone ever managed to be so stupid as not to have voted in such brilliant people. Those amazing lawmakers, who can legislate a carefree country, in which we can all be happily subjugated.

I don’t think so

My self-appointed position in this new organization is that of the Teddy Bear in the Nursery. You know the one. It has a camera in it. It’s the Nanny Cam for the Nanny State. My role is to look at what’s going on in the political world and then try to break it to you using humor. It softens the blow.

I join Fiar in my commitment to bringing you only the most untarnished, unbiased news in the finest tradition of the New Your Times, Mother Earth News, The Huffington Post, CNN, NBC, CBS, NPR, Air America, etc, etc and etc. It’s news you can believe in.

BTW: Recently images from this site have shown-up at both Huffington and Air America. As Fiar so succinctly put it, “Don’t those people know we’re the enemy?’

Les James has moved to Mondays to make room for JumpOut. His big ego and even bigger head needs the room, but you can always find Les at Humor and Satire at Sideshow Mirrors.

My Impartial Opinion

In keeping with the finest tradition of unbiased news reporting, I wish to disclose that I don’t follow team sports. I don’t really like team sports and don’t really see any need for them.

OK, maybe that’s not the tradition, but it should be.

Come on, you’ve just got to agree that dim witted, beer guzzling, foam finger waving, sub-zero no shirt wearing, body painting sycophants who waste their time following the on and off field exploits of overpaid, drug crazed, dog killing, steroid injecting, whinny, egotistical, thugs and hoodlums, should get off of their collective, couch potato, fat asses and start participating in a true extreme sport… surfing the World Wide Web.

I hear it’s going to be a new event in the 2012 Olympics, so start training now. Since you are reading this on a web site, I assume you agree with me and aren’t offended. You’re not… are you?

Well, either way, the fact remains, that you are reading this, thus proving that you have completed, at least, the fifth grade (that’s the level of this article) and so are head and shoulders above these near brain-dead fans.

You know the type. They shout at their 105 inch plasma TVs, from a worn out Lazy Boy which sits on a dog hair covered, beer and urine stained, thread-bare carpet that’s mostly covering the floor of a broken down single wide trailer, parked in Tornado Alley. They expect to not only be heard but also have their coaching advice followed to the letter. (Ed note: Are you spying on me? ~Fiar)

Any man who would continue to kill his few remaining brain cells by watching this garbage, and then getting all worked up over the rigged outcomes of these “professional” teams’ “athletic contest”, needs to grab up a dull butter knife and castrate himself. He doesn’t have the imagined cajones to actually participate in these “viral and masculine” endeavors, so he doesn’t need the real ones.

Any woman, who is like-minded, should have to marry one of these neutered weenies. That goes double (all though I don’t know just how that would work) for New England Patriots fans.

OK, maybe that’s going a bit too far. But can’t I at least give them a swift punt between their goal post?

The Facts

There’s something called Spygate and apparently, the Patriots are at the heart of it. I’m not really sure what it’s all about, but from a complete and exhaustive search of the Internet –lasting over three whole minutes and the help of Fiar, who pointed out that I was initially blaming the wrong team- I have deduced that it’s a cross between Watergate and the men’s room scandal involving Sen. Larry Craig (Gay) Idaho.

Apparently the Patriots where taping homo-erotic messages from other teams, which involved elaborate hand signals and foot tapping. They took these tapes back to their secret hideout to study them. I can only surmise that once they had cracked the code, the Patriots intended to blackmail their opposition. What a bunch of losers. I hear they even lost some big game or something.

To make matters worse, when the New England team was caught with their stretchy pants down, first they lied about it and then –in a very Nixon like move- destroyed at least 18 1/2 minutes of damming tape.

Sen. Arlen Specter (RINO) Pennsylvania, who is infuriated over all of this (and apparently has nothing better to do), stated in a press conference, that was held on May 14th,

They (New England) are enormous role models for everybody. If you can cheat in the NFL, you can cheat in college, you can cheat in high school, you can cheat on your grade-school math test. There’s no limit as to what you can do.

“There’s no limit as to what you can do.” There it’s as plain as the nose on your face. How much more do you need to know?

For the benefit of those few who haven’t quite pieced it all together yet, I’ll spell out this rather obvious conclusion for you. What this means is, is that every single problem facing us today, can be directly traced back to the New England Patriots. You say that you want proof? Sorry, that’s really not the job of a news reporter.

Global warming? Trace it back and you’ll find them at the end of that twisted trail. Food shortages, high gas prices, pedophile priest, the credit crisis, earthquakes in China, gay marriage in California, typhoons in Burma, your hair falling out? Everything wrong on planet earth today has a direct link to these unscrupulous SOBs in New England.

Where are these guys from anyway? Every one else has a city attached to their name. This team’s hiding in a region. Very suspicious.

You still need more evidence before you’re convinced that this team is the very dictionary definition of evil? Then turn off the TV and spend some time searching through the mountains of evidence that surely can be found on the Web…somewhere. If you actually find anything, please let me know. It seems that for some reason -that I can’t fully understand- facts make a story more believable.

Well, I’ve spent enough time on this. I need to get back and change my Safe Search Filtering preferences on Google Images. There’s a lot of Internet to surf out there, and I am in training.

By the way, if you know of any good sites…

(Ed note: there are some good sites on Humor-Blogs.com ~Fiar)

Just a quick roundup of links for your reading pleasure.

Political Satire: Liberal Larry reports Bush orders warships to Myanmar.

Scott Ott informs us about a raid on a California cult..

Obama accepts NARAL endorsement. Frank J fill in the details

News: Man needs penis donation.

Politics: President Bush was Referring Jimmy Carter not Barack Obama During his Speech in Israel

Please feel free to drop a link to something you have found.