Political Humor

In the wake of the interest rate cut by the Fed last week, Americans are scrambling for answers. The stock market has taken a dive.

The word “recession” was reaching a cacophony on Wall Street, and the Fed acted to stabilize the economy with a interest rate reduction of of quarter percent.

Just minutes after the December 11 announcement by Bernie Bernanke, the Dow Jones tumbled 197 points and the S&P 500 dropped 24 points.

Bernanke has faced harsh criticism, including calls for his resignation.

Where does this leave Middle America?

Many Americans are struggling to know what investments are safe, and what are not. The Radioactive Liberty financial department sought the opinions of top Financial experts in the fields of market analysis, and investment.

While loudmouth Jim Cramer says that now is the time to invest in IPTV hardware supplier, Sigma Designs (SIGM), actual financial experts gave the nod to beachfront property in Arizona, but cautioned against the risk of placing assets in the Brooklyn Bride commodities market.

Alister Skul, the CFO of VampireKlown technologies admonished investors to be wary of offers to buy the Brooklyn Bridge, saying,

“Sooner or later, the Brooklyn Bridge will fall into the water…so will California.”

Global Warming may play a role in securing the long term viability of Arizona Beachfront property, according to a top advisor from Pope-Terry Mutual Investments.

RT Mongress, of Mongress and Mongress Financial, agrees that Arizona Beachfront Real Estate is a sound investment, and claims that there is “plenty of sand for everyone!”

Only Harris Bloom, founder of Harris, Bloom, Bloom, and Harris was found to have a favorable opinion towards investing in the Brooklyn Bridge, but skeptics point to the fact that Harris Bloom is one of the chief investors in the Bridge, and question his objectivity.

Chris Cameron of Idetrorce Mutual Funds encourages Americans to think outside the box to alleviate financial woes. According to Mr. Cameron:

“With a more creative approach, you can buy both and move the bridge to Arizona. Now you have a tourist attraction that can compete with the London Bridge.”

This can help to mitigate risk by offsetting a potentially bad situation with the ability to create a big boost in the Arizona tourist industry.

Humor-Blogs.com will have more on this story as it develops.

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(This is a rebuttal to FIAR’s recent diatribe: Why I Don’t Watch the News)

I feel it is in everyone’s best interest to watch the news and read about news in – well, um, newspapers. There is that internet thing too I guess. I heard they have it on computers now. That’s crazy talk. Technology is going way too fast for me these days.

But this isn’t about how important technology is to us. We need our news, however to make us feel human.

First off, we need to know all the ways we could die. Every day scientists fabricate results of telephone surveys about what people think they might die from. One day you’ll hear this on television:

‘Is your dog eating butter? You may think it’s perfectly harmless, but it might be giving Fido rabies! Find out why. Plus, tips on what to buy for that hard-to-please person on your Christmas gift list. All this and more, after the break’.

We need to know these facts, so we can dedicate our valuable time and energy to worrying about them. It also makes for great conversation at work. There is nothing like upbeat talk around the water cooler about rabid pets mauling people.

I don’t know if the disease is becoming an epidemic, but I saw ‘Cujo’ once, so I know what’s up. Worrying about stuff like this is important.

Being too informed is not a bad thing, because the news gives us too many facts already. I don’t know why there isn’t just one single news source; you don’t really need others. If it is on AP it must be true.

I don’t have time to read a lot of news. Thankfully the industry knows this. They fill their stories with every fact I need to know, and check them thoroughly. God bless them.

Best of all, the news makes all of us feel better about ourselves and our lives. That fire you watched on the 10’o clock news happened to someone else. Some guy went crazy and killed his neighbor. That dead neighbor wasn’t you. It is unfortunate all these messed-up things happen… To other people, but they also help put your life into perspective. Things aren’t so bad when you contrast your problems with the polished turd of a life that other people have.

The news is important because it makes us thankful we don’t live in Bangladesh. From what I read in the paper there was some kind of nuclear reactor fire, or government coup. Whatever. The important thing is that it didn’t happen to me.

Thanks AP! I feel better already.

Chris Cameron is not a rabid animal but he writes like one sometimes every Thursday. You can read his other works of oddness at Angry Seafood.

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Humor-blogs.com does not condone nor recommend anyone actually watching the news but they are funny.

Political humor and commentary

It’s got to be violent to make it a highlight
If we show it enough well everyone will think it’s alright
Disco’s out, murder’s in ~ Suicidal Tendencies

Do you watch the news? Why?

Every once in a while, I have the misfortune of seeing a bit of the “News.” Every time I do, I think, “It’s no wonder people think the world is coming to an end.” That’s what’s presented on the News.

It should be called the “Why everything sucks report.”

Tonight: Are you dead yet? Watch our special report and find out why you may die a violent, horrible death sooner than you think. Stay tuned for details.

But, I need to be informed.

Informed? Really? Is that what you think is happening when you watch a concentrated dose of murder, rape, arson, violent criminals on the loose, and various other reasons to live in fear?

Just how does being “informed” make you feel? Inspired? Motivated? Ready to take on the world? What? None of the above? How do you think it’s improving your life to see all the most terrible things about the world all in bite sized, easily digestible snippets?

Oh, that’s right, You’re “informed.” That’s some quality information you’ve got there. It’s really useful too. Just think about how many more things you can do now that you’re “informed.” You could:

• Spice up your marriage
• Make more money
• Get your master’s degree
• Be more organized
• Stick to that new exercise regimen
• Read faster

Wait, what’s that? The News isn’t informing you about those sorts of things? Maybe it’s time to reevaluate the benefits of being “informed” then.

Perhaps you’re better off spending that time doing something that, at the very least, puts you in a good mood. Even if it’s not helping you move towards your goals, at least it won’t be counterproductive to achieving them. Let’s face it, living in fear and dread is not a path to success.

I can see the world around me. I can drive down the street and see the destitute reality that exists in the slum there. I don’t need it thrown in my face to be aware of it. I would rather act personally to do something about it.

The world isn’t ending. It’s just that people are afraid to leave their homes and do something that will make a difference, because they’re “informed” that the world is a dangerous place, people=shit, and violent criminals lurk around every corner.

I don’t watch the news, and I am better off for it.