Political Humor

If the the Republicans don’t cave in to the demands of Democrats on the Budget, the government will shut down. The Democrats would like you to believe that if there is a government shutdown, then poor school children will be forced to kill and cook their grandparents for food — and to save their grandparents the indignity of being a further burden to ObamaCare.

This is a lie. What is far more insidious about the potential for a government shutdown is that the National Parks will be forced to shut down. You may think it’s no big deal for our national parks to be unfunded, but that is horribly incorrect.

The truth is far more terrifying that any Lord of the Flies style dystopia that could be conjured up by overactive imaginations and generally condescending views of people as perpetual helpless victims of Tea Party brutality.

Yes. The TRUTH is that if the government shuts down, a natural disaster of Biblical proportions would occur. Many people are not aware that Yellowstone is a supervolcano, and if it blows, it will make every disaster – man made and natural combined – look like nothing by comparison.

The Earth will be shrouded in darkness and enveloped by ash. The Global Warming Hoax will be declared officially dead as, according to Open University Vulcanologist Professor Stephen Self:

“An area the size of North America can be devastated and pronounced deterioration of global climate would be expected for a few years following the eruption,” Professor Self explained. “They could result in the devastation of world agriculture, severe disruption of food supplies and mass starvation. These effects could be sufficiently severe to threaten the fabric of civilisation.”

Acid rain will pour down from the sky, poisoning the water supply with over 2000 million tons of sulfuric acid being spewed forth from an exploding, and unfunded Yellowstone. Worse yet,

“Fema had no contingency plans for a disaster on this scale. The largest disaster they ever had to deal with was 9/11 and that stretched their resources to the limit,”

Even if they did, THEY WOULDN’T BE FUNDED!

It gets worse still. According to MoveOn.Org “Republican budget cuts to the Department of Energy’s Office of Science could kill.” Indeed it will, as SCIENCE!™ is the only hope humanity has to avert this global natural disaster, and Republicans want to defund the very scientific discoveries that will keep Yellowstone at bay.

It is essential to fund SCIENCE!™ so that intelligent Scienticians can come to a consensus that an additional two or three Trillion dollars in federal government deficit spending will keep Yellowstone at bay — For NOW (dun, dun, dunnnn).

If that doesn’t work, I say we launch a pre-emptive strike against Yellowstone and attack before it unleashes it’s fury and rage towards evil conservatives who are Hell bent on gutting Medicare, killing old people, and starving small children. Remember, it’s only okay to harm children before they are born. After they’re born, you’re supposed to frighten them about global warming.

If this budget doesn’t pass, you can forget about your stocked up canned goods and plastic wrap. We’re all doomed, and it will all be the fault of the Tea Party.

But “hope lies eternal” that the Republicans will stop kowtowing to the Tea Party extremists that have been running the party. Disaster may be averted, but only if we can all agree to spend, spend, spend, spend.

There are too many people that don’t know the facts about global warming. Some may believe in global warming myths, while others simply don’t know all the global warming statistics.

In order to bring enlightenment, and most likely create a few myths of my own, I’ve developed this FAQ to provide you with all the global warming information you need.

What causes global warming?

The Sun. Without it, the Earth would be a cold, bleak, desolate wasteland. Much like Pluto, which is no longer a planet. Or Al Gore’s brain.

Is Global Warming real?

I wouldn’t say that global warming is not happening. But whether or not the Earth is genuinely going through a phase of warming or cooling is part of a natural cycle. The real question is whether Man Made global warming is a scam. Yes. Yes it is a scam. Just like Scientology.

Do you have pictures of global warming?

Don’t be silly. It’s impossible to have pictures of things that don’t exist. I find it interesting how many mythical things we have “pictures” of. For example, the famous photograph of the Loch Ness Monster is really a hand in the bathtub. Like so.

Of course, there are artist renderings of global warming. In other words, fake pictures. Like the one of the poor polar bears above. Do keep in mind, that these are fake, phony contrived images.

Nothing more than a hoax. Like the “Osama bin Laden” tapes. Basically the exact sort of thing you would expect from the AP or Reuters.

Is Ron Paul still running for President?

That’s an excellent question, but a better question would be: why is Ron Paul still running for President? He has about as much of a chance of winning as Barack Obama does in winning a professional bowling tournament.

How many votes does a person need to not get before they call it quits? What I do know is that this question has nothing to do with global warming.

Now that I think about it, they are both insane religious cults.

Is there any evidence against global warming?

Of course there is, but as with other religions, petty details like “facts” and “evidence” are of no concern to the practitioners of the global warming religion faith. You can show as much data as you want to Al Gore and global warming’s hysterical hyperventalationists, but it will get you nowhere.

Can global warming be prevented?

Sure it can. I can also move objects with my mind. Barack Obama can bowl a perfect game, Al Gore isn’t insane, and controlling the weather is fun and easy.

Are there any natural causes of global warming?

Almost all causes of global warming are entirely natural. Volcanoes erupt and spew tons of “greenhouse gases” into the air. Volcanoes are one of the leading causes of global warming.

Cow farts are another leading cause. The process of evaporation over the oceans are also contribute to the natural causes of global warming.

Are humans the cause of global warming?

No. Whatever factor we play is nearly insignificant.

Is global warming for kids?

Kids love global warming! Whether they’re running through the sprinkler, taking a refreshing dip in the pool, or cooling off with some ice cream; there’s really no downside to global warming for kids.

Now you are armed with the facts about global warming. Go forth and club a baby seal, punch a dirty hippy, and feel secure in the knowledge that not even Al Gore’s palatial estate produces as large a carbon footprint as a volcano does.

So, turn on the lights, idle the car, and crank up the AC. It really won’t matter any more once Yellowstone or Anak Krakatau blows.

Humor-Blogs.com did not know that Yellowstone was a supervolcano, and I can’t believe I just linked to Wikipedia.

Here are a few other articles related to global warming information:

• Global Warming Solutions: The Ultimate Guide
• Global Warming Kills Nessie
• How You can Help Save the Planet
• Global Warming Armageddon
• Global Warming and Narnia

We now return you to your regularly scheduled political humor.