Political Humor

With the recent gubernatorial wins in Virgina and New Jersey, and the near congressional win in up state New York, the Republican Party seems to be waking up.

2010 and 2012 are going to be very interesting election years. But it’s going to take a new approach to get a lot of us conservatives back into the fold. I suggest honesty. Below are ten new slogans for the Republicans, I’d like to see.

Sorry about the last few years. Our bad

The Republican Party -We’ve pulled our heads out.

Because Dems is a four letter word

The GOP doesn’t suck as bad as it use to

We only look like a third party

Promise, no McCain in 2012

We’re not organized enough to take over your health care

The Democrats just keep making us look better and better

Republicans -Too lazy to write a 1000 page bill, let alone a 2000 page one

Conservative? You Betcha!

Got any of your own?

Oh boy, sleep! That’s where I’m a Southern Baptist Preacher!

Yea, in a deep slumber I was lifted up by a being, that I believe was an Angel. She took me by the hand as we flew through the night air. And I spake to the Angel, “Wherefore art thou taking me? Can ye tell me?” To which the Angel replied, “You betcha.”

We stopped, and hovered in the dark skies, over a great city. Lo and behold, she pointed toward the firmament and said unto me, “Below is a modern Sodom. Below is a Tower of Babel. But there’s a whole lot worse, ya know.”

I looked to which she pointed. “Is this not the seat of our government? Is that not Capital Hill? What in the name of heaven, could be worse?”

The Angel squeezed my hand and I did wince. “Sorry, I use to fish for a living. I guess I don’t know my own strength. But you sure do know your real estate,” she spake to me.

“Why have ye brought me to this unholy place? I beseech thee.” She looked at me through her glasses and smiled. The smile of an Angel, and a bosom to match. I must confess my sin to thee, my brothers and sisters, for I had carnal thoughts. I lusted for this creature.

“Forgive me!” I cried. “For I have had immoral images of me and thee in my mind.”

To which she laughed. “Oh sweetie, there’s nothing to forgive. You’re the one who created all those hot pin-up pictures after all. Of course you want me. At least the fantasy me.”

Then we began to fall. Faster and faster we plunged toward the earth, and I was sore afraid. We fell from the heavens as a meteor, streaking down to a large white house. Despite the Angel’s reassurances, I knew this was to be my punishment for my indiscretion. I was to perish. My mortal body dashed. My flesh rendered. My bones case upon the roof. But it was my soul, for which I did dread.

And behold we passed unscathed, right through the building! Deeper, yet deeper, we went into bowels of the earth. Oh, my friends, my faithful flock, I do not use that term as an allusion. For it did stinketh a great stench. The vile odor doth filled my nose. We moved farther into the earth, through this gaping maw to Hell. Right to it’s very center. To the realm of The Dark One.

A glowing red did meet mine eyes, and a mighty wind did break o’er me. Yet we descended. Until above a vast blood colored lake we did soar. A cry arose from the lake, and yet not just one voice did rise to my hearing, but millions of anguished voices. To my horror, I did see uncountable numbers of forms thrashing in this sea.

And I said unto the Angel, “What is this place? What have these people done to deserve to drown in an ocean of blood?”

The Angel thus spake, “It’s not blood… It’s red ink. They’re drowning in the debt of The Obamanation.”

“Holy Fucking Shit!” I did screameth.

“Oh, yeah. You betcha,” The Angel did reply.

“Angel,” I did implore. “Return me to my bed. Please tell me this is but a shadow of the future.”

“Sorry Charlie, I’m no Angel.” she replied.

Oh, I was much perplexed. Then suddenly I understood. “But governors can’t fly.” I did state.

“I’m not a governor anymore,” she sayeth. “I’m a rogue conservative.” Then she did dropeth me.

Screaming, I did fall, until I landed upon The Beguiler, The Deceiver of Worlds, The Silver-Tongued Serpent, The Man of Many Faces, yet even The Obamanation, and smote him with a great smiting. Yea verily, did I smush him.

Can I get an Amen?

Author’s note: Don’t worry, I was just fine. When you land on that much bull crap, it’s pretty soft. Smelly, but soft. Just like his stand on foreign policy, Afghanistan and, and… But that’s for another sermon.

What do Sarah Palin, Waterloo, Joe Biden’s big mouth, President Obama’s bus, Valley Girls, Ozzie, abortion, Jimmy Carter, and a host of other references have in common? How the hell should I know? I just wrote this disjointed post.

And All The People Say, “He’s Pretty Fly For A Half-White Guy”

Come-on, we voted the male equivalent of a Valley Girl, or Pauly Shore, into the highest office in the world. For sure, he’s young, good looking, clean and articulate (same as a Valley Girl, not Pauly) so like, what did you expect?

You take away the teleprompter and he turns into Potsie Webber, and Obama Care is going to be his jump the shark moment.  Yeah, I know that was Fonzie. Still, these might yet end up being your’s and my Happy Days.

Really, did anyone actually believe Obama was going to be the answer to any question other than boxers or briefs? And do we really want to know? I’m leaning toward thong. There’s certainly something wedged in there.

He Sliding In To A Burning Ring Of Fire

No way was his Rock Star status going to last. Even sheeple demand a little more substance in their leaders, and a little less of a TV celebrity with stupid ideas. I wonder how Obama feels to be lower in the popularity polls than Jimmy Carter, at this point in his presidency? Once you reach the top of the political ladder there’s only one way to go. We can only hope he goes there quickly. Many have been willing to give Barack implicit, if not explicit, directions to that destination for some time.

Anyone know the melting point of polyester?

And could I be any more cliche?

Yep. Or as Sarah Palin would say, “You betcha”.

You Put Your Left Foot In. You Take Left Your Foot Out.

Just when I thought that Joe Biden was the one who had soggy feet from having them constantly in his mouth, the President begins to swap Wingtips. Here are a couple of his latest.

Senator Jim DeMint, (Republican), “If we’re able to stop Obama on this (Obama Care), it will be his Waterloo”. Obama countered with, “Let me tell you something, I’m from Chicago. I don’t break.” Insert “Huh?” here.

Oh wait, I get it.

Chicago, Hog Butcher for the World. I suppose he’s right in one way, pork doesn’t break. But pigs do, when they’re in the form of a bank, and isn’t that what we’re actually talking about? Insert foot here.

What this comes down to is historical perspective. Waterloo didn’t work out so badly for the Duke of Wellington and Gerhard von Blucher, but Obama jumps right to the conclusion that he’s Napoleon in this scenario. Like we should expect anything else from him. Bonaparte was short in stature, while Obama is short in other areas. Insert your favorite area here.

Just the other day, at a press conference, President Barack Obama (Fascist), said that the Cambridge police “acted stupidly” in arresting Henry Louis Gates, Jr, a good friend of his… oh, and Harvard professor.  The same guy who reportedly told Sgt Crowley (the arresting officer) something like, I’ll talk to yo mama outside. Obama admitted he was flapping his gums before he even knew all of those pesky “facts”. Insert other foot here.

It was matter of the Pres using common sense. Hehehe, that was a joke. When you open your mouth in front of cameras -without first checking the “facts”- you stand to look like a dump ass. Mission accomplished. Insert your favorite pejorative here.

Watching Obama’s daily televised speeches are more fun than midget tossing. The next day he tossed Gates under the bus. It must be getting crowed under there. What with his racist white grandmother, his racist black pastor, everyones favorite terrorist, and a former governor with great hair, all vying for tread time. Insert your favorite moonbat here.

Going Off The Rails On This Crazy Train

In a rare lucid moment, Ozzie will re-release Mr Crowley, from his break-out Blizzard of Oz album. He has written new, updated lyrics. Here’s a taste:

Sgt. Crowley, you got in over your head
(Oh) Sgt. Crowley, Gates will twist what you said
Your life will be turn outside in
By a press corps
That’ll make your words spin
(Yeah) Then wait and see how much more

Recording is scheduled for whenever Ozzie can find his way to the studio.

Doctor, Doctor Please

Dr. Regina Benjamin- the President’s pick for Surgeon General- may not even be able to get health care under the Obama plan. Why? Because she just doesn’t take care of herself like he says she should. I guess you have to take the fat away from dumb in order to be treated by Obama’s doctors. Happy left this party a long time ago.

In related news (that doesn’t involve Michael Jackson -who by the way, is dead) A fantastic new engine has been developed, called the Cyclone. It will be able use any biomass as fuel.  Under Universal Health Care, abortions will get paid for, but treating the elderly won’t. Can you say,*Oilent Green? I thought you could.

See, Joe Biden can be upstaged.

*Oilent Green will be used in all Cyclone engine powered vehicles from Obama Motors, starting in 2011.