Political Humor | The Baby Jesus Smiles

Background story: Karmic Justice
What would Jesus Do?

The next day I went to the Department of Grievances to get the paperwork to file a wrongful death claim in Resurrection Court. Interesting sidenote - Totally true too: The Department of Grievances has a sign on the front of the building that says, “In DoG we trust.” Thankfully the manager at the Department of Complaints gave me the name of someone to help me out so I was able to avoid the mind-numbing runaround and bureaucratic buffoonery at the DoG that I had previously encountered.

I filled out the extensive claim forms and submitted them to await notice of a hearing date. Unbelievably, my hearing was the next day. Considering the general level of gross incompetence that I had previously experienced, I expected to have to wait 4-6 weeks just to be notified that a date had been set. I suppose they realize that people don’t want to be brought back to life in a body that has it’s skin sloughing off, or that has already been cremated.

When I arrived at Resurrection Court, the Judge asked, “What makes you think you deserve to be resurrected? Hmm? What makes you so damned special that you get to come back to life when everyone else has to stay dead? Huh? I’ve seen Kings, Prophets, religious leaders, martyrs, and heroes. They all had to stay dead. Tell me why you deserve special treatment.”

Then things got worse.

“May I speak Your Honor?” It was a stern, cold, mannish looking woman, who - for lack of a better description - looked a lot like Philadelphia District Attorney Lynne Abraham. *Shudders*

“Go ahead,” the Judge said.

“The State would like to file a counter claim. We believe that FIAR should not even be here. He belongs in the ‘other’ place. FIAR did not merely choose the wrong religion. He rejected all religions. He didn’t even join a suicidal death cult. I hear there is a very popular one that promises it’s male adherents 72 virgins. We were going to overlook this flagrant disregard for the Creator, but since he chose to be so arrogant as to challenge the will of the Almighty, the State believes it has no choice but to counter-sue.”

“I’m inclined to agree.”

Then the Prosecutor went on to make a case; citing every single rotten, horrible, shameful thing I have ever done, and more than a few that just seemed nit-picky. When the she-man beast had finished, the Judge spoke with a surprising casualness. “OK. You’re turn. Go.”

I stood there for a minute, jaw agape, palms sweating, throat dry, mind blank. Then this sensation over came me and I began to give an impassioned plea. I don’t know what I said. What Cruel, Deranged, Bloodthirsty Despot of the Universe tactics did I employ? Blackmail? Extortion? Threats of savage brutality? I don’t know. It felt as if I were speaking in tongues, and maybe I was there for a period. It all just flashed by in a blur.

I only remember toward the end, saying to a tearful courtroom, “It’s what the Baby Jesus would want. Won’t you make the Baby Jesus smile and do the right thing? Give me back my life.” The Judge wiped the tears from his eyes and asked if I had any other requests. I said that I wanted the memories of all my loved ones to be purged of the whole thing.

“Granted.” Then with a thunderous voice, the Judge said, “BACON!®“ And slammed the gavel down. The courthouse shook violently, and I expected roof and ceiling parts to start to collapse, but the building stood firm amidst the tremors.

I, however, fell to the floor - Hard. I was rendered unconscious, and when I awoke, I found myself in the manger scene where I had met my demise. I was badly bruised. My head was splitting with agony, but I appeared to be otherwise non-impaled. I looked up at the Baby Jesus, and I swear I saw a smile. I blinked hard, and when I looked again, the smile was replaced with the usual serene expression we are all used to seeing.

If it were not for my obvious bloggy absence, I myself would even wonder if it was all just some crazy, head trauma induced delusion.