Political Humor |

A begrudging collaboration from political humor authors JumpOut and Les James

All Rise! Hear Ye, Hear Ye, the United States District Court for the Southern District of New York is now in session, the Honorable William J. Lepetomane presiding. You may now be seated.

Thank you bailiff. What’s our first case, Mr. Prosecutor?

United States vs. Sheik Ahma bin Fuqeen Yomam’ah, Your Honor, Mr. Yomam’ah is…

Bailiff, what in God’s name are you doing?!

Judge, I was just trying to get these gentlemen to remove their RPGs from the court room!

Bailiff, how can you be so insensitive? He’s Muslim, that RPG is part of his religion and therefore protected by the US Constitution. Leave that man be, and stop impeding his right to free speech.

Umm, Your Honor, didn’t you, just last week, make me disarm an FBI Agent who showed up here to testify in a case in the name of courtroom security?

Yes, and…

Well, Your Honor, I’m trying to figure out the rationale behind disarming an FBI Agent for courtroom security, yet leaving a Muslim wearing a Hamas bandanna to carry an RPG for the sake of religious freedom.

What’s to figure out? The FBI Agent wasn’t Muslim, or carrying an RPG. He was Christian and I don’t think Christians use firearms to express their religious beliefs. They use fish, crappy music, and some sticks. I wouldn’t let you take away a Christian’s fish. Now, if we can please get back to the serious business at hand. Leave these people alone, and stop violating their rights!

You know what, Your Honor, since you were appointed last year, I have had to put up with some degrading stuff, but this beats all. I cannot in good conscience do this anymore. I quit! The bailiff walks away mumbling to himself: And motherf**kers called me house nigger for not voting for Barack. Looks like Massa Barack has got his crackers in place…

Well, I guess I need a new bailiff. You sir, with the RPG and the green bandanna with the scribbly writing on it.

نعم

How would you like to be my bailiff?

نعم

Good. Now that that’s settled…You were saying Mr. Prosecutor?

Ummm, yes Your Honor, US vs. Sheik Ahma bin Fuqeen Yomam’ah. Mr. Yomam’ah is accused of being an enemy combatant based on evidence that he and several accomplices planted and detonated a roadside bomb and attempted to ambush a United States Marine Corps patrol.

Is this another of those damned trumped up cases from that Guantanamo Gulag? Let’s hurry through this. This is the fifth one this week. Proceed.

Yes, Your Honor. Ladies and Gentlemen of the jury…

Piss off!

You’re in the jury, so I do the talking, you do the listening.

Piss off Mr. Prosecutor. We’ve been on jury duty for a freaking week! I’m sick of this s#1t. Quit blowing sunshine up my skirt, and get on with it.

Okay…as I was saying: the prosecution intends to prove beyond the shadow of a reasonable doubt through eyewitness testimony and evidence collected at the scene of the crime that Sheik Ahma bin Fuqeen Yomam’ah led an attack on US forces in Iraq. You’re going to hear testimony from Marines who were present, and were the victims of the heinous act. You’re going to see evidence taken from the person and vehicle of Sheik Ahma bin Fuqeen Yomam’ah. At the end of this trial, we hope you will return a verdict of guilty. Thank you.

Ladies and Gentlemen of the jury. My client, Sheik Ahma bin Fuqeen Yomam’ah, is merely a Muslim cleric. He would never do any of things he is accused of. He is a man of peace, practicing a religion of peace. The charges brought here today are erroneous and my client is the victim of the racism and xenophobia of our baby killing, innocent-torturing service people. People so bloodthirsty and brutal their actions are akin to the Mongol Hordes of Genghis Khan. Once we refute the charges levied by the prosecution, we hope you dispense justice in the form of a not guilty verdict for my client, Sheik Ahma bin Fuqeen Yomam’ah.

Very good counselors. Mr. Prosecutor, call your first witness.

Yes sir, the prosecution calls Sgt. James Lewis, US Marine Corps. Sgt. Lewis, take your oath and please be seated. Sgt. Lewis, can you tell us what happened on the night in question?

Yessir. My men and I were out on patrol in Anbar Province when we were hit by an improvised explosive device. By the grace of God it…

You can’t say that, Sgt.

I’m sorry Your Honor? Say what?

God.

Sir?

God. I won’t allow that sort of hate speech in my court room.

I’m sorry sir, I wasn’t aware. As luck would have it, the bomb didn’t kill us. It did; however, disable our vehicle. We bailed out, and immediately we were taking small arms fire. My men regrouped and returned fire. All Hell broke loose. As best we could tell there were eight men firing on us. They looked like some Sunni insurgents that we had…

Stop spreading your racism in my courtroom, Sgt.!

Sir?

There is no possible way you could have known that the men you were exchanging with were Sunni insurgents.

Your Honor, we were in Anbar province, the stronghold of the Sunni insurgency. Shi’ites wouldn’t have been able to move through the area to fight us, because they would have been fighting the Sunnis.

I’m so sure Sgt. Islam is a religion of peace. I’m sure the men you saw were disaffected youths tired of having an invading force on their soil.

Whatever you say, Judge. Anyway, we were able to get seven of them. The eighth man dropped his weapon, and tried to escape on foot. We gave chase, and caught the eighth man. It’s a good thing we caught him when we did. He was heading back to the truck he drove in on. Once we secured the individual, we looked inside the truck and there were artillery shells, detonators and various bomb making tools and materials as well as several firearms and grenades. The man began pleading for his life, and apologizing for attacking us. We took him into custody, and brought him back to the detention center.

Do you see the man you chased that night Sgt. Lewis. Yes sir. He’s seated at the defendant’s table.

Let the record reflect that the witness indicated Sheik Ahma bin Fuqeen Yomam’ah. I have no further questions Sgt. Lewis. Please answer any questions the defense may have.

Yessir.

Wow, Sgt. Lewis, what a harrowing tale. It must have been hectic out there to say the least.

Yessir, it was. Luckily my men are well trained, and highly motivated. We were able to meet and eliminate the threat.

Sgt. Lewis, you said “All Hell broke loose” correct?

Yessir.

Would you say things were confusing during the firefight?

Yessir, it takes a minute to get your bearings in a situation like that.

Really? And you were still able to count the number of people firing on you and your men?

Yessir.

So which one was it?

Say again sir? I’m not sure I follow.

Which one was it? Were you confused, or could you count the number of men firing on you?

Well, sir…I mean, it was confusing, but once we regrouped, we were able to interpret the threat and neutralize it.

Neutralize? You mean kill, correct Sgt.?

Yes sir. We were taking fire, and we were able to kill most of the men shooting at us. That’s what we’re trained to do.

So you’re a trained killer?

Sir, I am a trained Marine. Killing the bad guys goes along with the job.

Bad guys, Sgt? You mean you see a brown skinned man in a robe and a head scarf and automatically you see a bad guy, right Sgt.?

No sir. I see people shooting at me, and I see a bad guy.

Really, so you think you see my client in a group of eight men shooting at you, and when he runs, you chase him, is that correct?

Yessir.

When you caught him, did you advise him of his rights per Miranda?

Excuse me, sir?

You know, you have the right to remain silent, you have the right to an attorney, etc. did you advise him of his rights per Miranda, Sgt. Lewis.

No sir. I’m a Marine, not a cop.

Interesting observation, Sgt. You said you believed my client was running to a vehicle. How did you know this was his vehicle?

Sir, we were in a desert. There wasn’t anything around for miles.

Hmmm, so you say you found some evidence in the vehicle, correct?

Yessir.

Did you have a search warrant for the vehicle?

A search warrant?

Yeah, one of those pieces of paper signed by a judge giving you permission to search the vehicle?

Of course not! What the…

That’s enough Sgt.

Sorry Your Honor, what did I do wrong?

I’ve had enough of you people thinking you are above the law, and violating these people’s rights. Bailiff!

الموافقة.

Take Sgt. Lewis into custody, and get him out of my courtroom!

الموافقة.الموافقة.

The newly appointed bailiff and his friends escort Sgt. Lewis out of the courtroom. A gun shot is heard.

[Les: This was really all my idea. The outline and the images, yep, me.  I'm just trying to make this a better work environment]

[JO: Just like you to take all the credit after I do all the heavy lifting.]