Political Humor |

In 1620, the Pilgrims set out for the New World in search of somewhere to hold Thanksgiving dinner but weren’t really sure of a suitable location.

First they landed in Neptune, New Jersey but were scared off by the mafia and all the guidos at Seaside Heights during a taping of a new MTV reality show.

Then they sailed down the coast and parked at a marina in Boca Raton, Florida. Instead of the Fountain of Youth they discovered a bunch of old people wearing polyester. The Pilgrims noted the irony, sailed south to the Panama Canal, then through it to the Pacific Ocean.

The first place they visited on the West Coast was Arizona but many Pilgrims did not like the high temperatures despite being reassured it was a dry heat.

The Pilgrims next traveled to San Francisco, California. They were immediately scared off by the foreign rituals of the locals clad in leather, all the homeless people, and an Adam Lambert concert.

The Pilgrims then sailed into the Northwest Passage and before long they were nearing Detroit. A costly error of judgment almost proved fatal when they felt it was safe enough to make camp for the night.

When they woke up the next morning, the Mayflower was up on blocks with graffiti sprayed all over it and the stereo was stolen. They had to trade all their livestock in order to fix the ship.

After this happened the Pilgrims decided they had taken one too many chances. They signed the Mayflower Compact, decreeing the new settlement would take roots in Langhorne, Pennsylvania because of it’s proximity to Sesame Place and a Six Flags amusement park in New Jersey.

The Pilgrims resumed their journey but a few hours down the river the low fuel light came on. Worse yet, they were still hundreds of miles from their destination and out of livestock to trade for gas at the next rest stop.

After much debate, the Pilgrims agreed on settling down in nearby Plymouth, Massachusetts. There were casinos nearby, a Six Flags, and if anyone wanted to they could take a summer vacation in New Hampshire.

The locals were immediately curious of the foreigners now living among them, calling the Pilgrims “wicked pissah” and their ship the “Mayflowah”.

The Pilgrims adapted quickly to the native customs.

The locals also helped the Pilgrims get through the harsh winter and later catered the first Thanksgiving dinner in 1621, a tradition that endures to this very day.

The End

Happy Thanksgiving everyone.

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Chris Cameron is a writer/columnist/beat reporter for Radioactive Liberty. You can also read his odd form of mostly non-political humor at his blog Angry Seafood.