By Chris Cameron
Listen up all you 911 Truthers, the time has come to reveal who was really behind the conspiracy behind the horrific events of September 11, 2001.
It was not the government. Please, they run the IRS and the DMV. Giving someone a license is pretty basic and look how easily they screw that up. Professional mathematicians can’t understand the US Tax Code. The government excels only in incompetence.
It was not Al Qaeda. Well, maybe they were the ones that carried it out but they were hired hands. Who do you think bought them?
It was Disney. The super corporation that stands for shoving fun and Hannah Montana down our collective throats was behind it all. Speaking of Hannah Montana, when does she turn eighteen? I want to mark that day on my calendar so that I know when impure thoughts about her are legal to have running through my devious mind many would call a gutter.
Where the hell was I?
Ah yes, Disney was the mastermind behind 911.
You may ask “how can a nice friendly mouse kill thousands of people and basically ramp up the rise of radical Islam?” Or maybe “what the hell are you smoking?” To which I would reply, “Perfectly legal cigarettes.”
It all began in the late 90’s. Disney had it all. They were in all the malls in America. They had theme parks in California, Florida, and even France. The “I Surrender” ride was a big hit over there, but the rest of the park - not so much.
They had a vast library of films, mostly ones that followed the same plot line: parents get killed and the main character’s conflict directly relates to that past event. They started up their own cable channel and even had a sports team with a really stupid name, the Mighty Ducks.
But was this enough for Eisner? Apparently not, he wanted more, and in 2000 an evil plot was hatched. Bin Laden was already planning an attack on the United States but he was lacking in the business sense. His group wanted to blow up government buildings, but Osama knew there was something missing in the plan.
While on a tour of Euro Disney, Eisner reached out to Bin Laden and persuaded him to target the World Trade Center in order to topple an icon of financial and commercial success of the United States. He saw this as his opportunity for expansion of the Disney brand name, and a means to an end.
With the World Trade Center removed as that icon, there would need to be something to replace it that would be equal in symbolism. What better way to do this then with a Disney Theme Park right in Manhattan?
The dragging of the feet on the memorial is just Disney’s attorneys slowing down the process enough so that Eisner can buy the land and begin construction on Disney NYC.
Six years later the land where the World Trade Center stood remains undeveloped and Mickey Mouse is now being marketed to extreme Islam.
Coincidence? I think not!
Chris Cameron is a writer of odd and different humor. You can read more of his strangeness at Angry Seafood.
humor-blogs.com is not the group behind 911 but they are still on the hook for where socks go in the dryer.
2004–2008
18 responses so far ↓
1 Fiar // Nov 8, 2007 at 10:12 pm
Hmm. Here I thought it was Comcast.
2 Chris C // Nov 8, 2007 at 10:24 pm
They might be making a move for Al-Zajjiere or however you spell it. Not sure how that acquisition fits into my conspiracy theory though but it is another dot for people to connect.
3 Angie // Nov 9, 2007 at 4:52 am
You might have something there. You might like this if you haven’t seen it:
http://www.anomalies-unlimited.com/Disney.html
4 The mouse that roared « Likelihood of Success // Nov 9, 2007 at 1:44 pm
[...] But read about the REAL 911 Conspiracy. [...]
5 Skul // Nov 9, 2007 at 2:40 pm
Blackwater owns Disney. There ya go.
6 Derek E // Nov 9, 2007 at 5:03 pm
But wasn’t Eisner ousted and Steve Jobs took his place? Maybe 9/11 was all a ploy to sell more iPhones…
7 Chris C // Nov 9, 2007 at 11:26 pm
@Angie: Gotta love Disney. Someone dies on a ride, the response is hose it down and start it back up.
@Skul: Hmm that is a possibility.
@Derek: Shhh they want you to THINK Esiner is gone. Not much of a stretch to go from a cartoon movie star to puppet leadership.
8 Pope Terry // Nov 10, 2007 at 12:38 am
Hmmmm, I was wondering why Bin Laden reminded me of Goofy.
9 RT // Nov 10, 2007 at 10:12 am
Maybe they reattached Disney’s head and Eisner/Jobs are just his puppets in his evil ploy for world domination by cartoons. Could happen.
10 Diesel // Nov 10, 2007 at 1:53 pm
Well it certainly wasn’t the Jews. They wouldn’t waste four perfectly good airplanes.
11 Eileen // Nov 11, 2007 at 12:39 am
is this still FIAR’s blog?
I would rather have world domination by Disney Puppets than by some of the current threats.
I love DisneyLand and DisneyWorld.
My next trip is about 2 months away.
I am already singing “Its a Small World” in my head.
I never ride Thunder Mountain Railroad or any ride someone has died on. But I am glad they get them opened soon after the deaths occur, because it keeps lines at the rides I like shorter.
I did Peter Pan’s flight 3 times within 30 minutes one morning, during early entry.
12 Chris C // Nov 11, 2007 at 1:24 am
Imagine a future family trip to Disney NYC. The photo ops are endless.
13 Fiar // Nov 11, 2007 at 10:07 am
Yes, Eileen. It’s still my blog. I wrote 4 of the 7 posts on the front page.
Jeez, just because I only did 1 out of the last 4… I am the editor of posts not by me too, so it’s not like I don’t do any work on a contributor post.
14 Fiar // Nov 11, 2007 at 10:17 am
I would rather have world domination by Disney Puppets than by some of the current threats.
I feel the same way about our future monkey overlords in the impending Planet of the Apes future.
15 VE // Nov 12, 2007 at 1:39 pm
It all makes sense now. I thought I recognized Bin Laden from the Aladdin movie too.
16 the frogster // Nov 13, 2007 at 1:58 pm
Shrek looks like Eisner. On purpose.
17 Poopy Drawers // Dec 17, 2007 at 4:40 pm
I hate disney
18 Peter Revere // Mar 16, 2008 at 1:37 am
I agree completely. I’ll even provide the microfilm that proves it. Meet me at the grassy knoll tonight at 9:11pm. If I don’t show up its because Goofy got to me. He’s a baaaad doggy– must be part bloodhound.
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