Confused?
Don’t know who to vote for this year? Feeling like everyone in politics is lying to you? I can understand that. They are! The two major parties have blurred the lines so much that it’s all but impossible to tell the difference between a Democrat and a Republican. There’s not enough space between them to slide in an anthrax-laced letter.
I believe it was Ronald Reagan who said something to the effect that when electing a new President, if you’re going to switch horses in mid-stream, pick one that’s going the same direction.
Even after all these years, I still don’t know what choosing a candidate has to do with urinating while riding a horse. But maybe it’s that both Presidential choices are piss-poor and are directing that stream in our direction. They’re peeing on our heads and telling us it’s global warming. It’s so much worse than being front row center at a Gallagher show and not because of the Sledge-O-Matic.
The Few, The Proud, The Ill Informed:
If you’re close-minded, intolerant and filled with hate and rage, then you’re probably either an illiterate, slobbering, inbred, redneck, conservative, hillbilly or dirty, liberal, pot-smoking, hippie, vegan, tree huger who isn’t going to or is incapable of, voting anyway.
This isn’t for you. Go away. But for the minority of you who do elect our leaders, I hope this concise, categorical and fact filled report will fill in those gaps in your political knowledge and help you to decide where to waste your vote this November.
Note: I gathered this information from very reliable sources…blogs. So you know it’s accurate. Let’s get started.
The Economy:
We can’t spend our way out of debt the Republicans say, but we’re going to try it anyway and we’re going to do it by bailing out Wall Street business tycoons without raising taxes on our friends in Big Oil. This means that the poor and middle classes are going to have to buck up and take it. This will also lead to the financial support of the wealthy by giving them larger tax breaks so they can afford to fill-up their Hummers, jets and yachts.
John McCain (owner of thirteen or thirty cars and a dozen or so houses, he thinks) is quietly pushing for a private supply of ethanol free gas for his Mexican (Americans in Waiting) gardeners. Many states mandate some blend already and the rest are sure to follow soon. In case you weren’t aware, that ethanol crap clogs up small engines like those in lawn mowers, weed eaters, and leaf blowers, rendering them useless.
McCain was overheard to say at a bugged, clandestine, Masonic fundraiser that, “if there’s no good gas for these noble people to use, to do the jobs Americans won’t do, then the Gooks will take their places with machetes and swing blades, and I can’t have that.”
On the other hand the Democrats insist we can spend our way out of debt and taxing the rich to give to the poor is the way to do it. They want to give the poor free cable so they can get a high definition picture on their plasma TVs while watching CNN and Oprah. Besides, Republicans have ruined the economy, so it deserves to fall apart just to spite them.
Obama (who is qualified to be President because he can multi-task by walking and chewing gum at the same time) understands that the economy and energy are closely linked. He believes that gas, like money, grows on trees and that we can cut down corn trees but not trees the generate electricity like those in wind farms. “Our energy future is in the wind,” Obama recently stated, “We need an economy that blows.” This may soon be appearing as a campaign slogan.
“Our energy future is in the wind. We need an economy that blows.” Barack Obama on wind energy
Each party wants to blame the other one for mismanaging the economy instead of blaming the real culprits, the Canadians. Yeah, you think they sit up there all innocent, wearing plaid, eating fat-back bacon and playing hockey, don’t you? When in fact, these scheming, conniving, French speaking, bastards have infiltrated our government to its highest levels.
Did you really believe that Harry Reid was a liberal Mormon from Nevada? That’s got to be one of the lamest covers ever. Even his name mocks us. And don’t think you’ve escaped my notice there Mr. Plaid, Don I’m running for President too Lewis. You’re way too close to the northern border.
Faith and The Separation of Church and State (when necessary)
Republicans cling to their Bibles while Democrats search them for talking points. When it’s politically expedient, they’ll both use faith to try avoiding or clouding the issues. According to one genius, Jesus, like Obama, was a community organizer while Pontius Pilate was a governor like Palin.
From what I remember of that story, Pilate asked the angry mob who they wanted to crucify. The angry mob chose Jesus. Now that’s democracy in action. Fortunately, our Founding Fathers set up a Republic.
But speaking of Republican hottie Sarah Palin, watch out for her, she can see into the future. When serving as Mayor, this former Miss Wasilla had books banned as much as several years before they where even written. Now that’s impressive and very scary.
If only the original framers of the Constitution had had that power. I suspect they would have written the 1st and 2nd Amendments with less space between the lines. It would have been a little harder to read but…
Next week, if Conservative Humor by Radioactive Liberty isn’t shut down first for being a subversive, anti-government, terrorist cult, I’ll bring you part two, which will cover: War and Military Might, Guns, The Environment, and Babies.
Quick, while you still can, visit Les James’ blog, Satire, Parody, Military and Political Humor at Sideshow Mirrors
2004–2008
27 responses so far ↓
1
RT
// Sep 30, 2008 at 4:53 pm
Cars run over kitties, don’t they?
This country is so effed up.
2
Les James
// Sep 30, 2008 at 5:55 pm
Hello RT. In the “real” world they do.
3
Insolublog
// Sep 30, 2008 at 7:14 pm
A Maverick in avocado green. Truly a cultural tribute for a candidate who is older than dirt.
4
RT
// Sep 30, 2008 at 8:22 pm
I don’t live in the real world?
Cripes.
5
von
// Sep 30, 2008 at 10:02 pm
On behalf of every…and I quote…”illiterate, slobbering, inbred, redneck, conservative, hillbilly ” in the northwest one hundred square miles of Mississippi, I herby denounce your unfunny and totally non-entertaining words that you have put forth in this completely non-humorous posting.
6
Les James
// Sep 30, 2008 at 10:39 pm
Von - I’m glad they finally have a spokesman. Unfortunately he doesn’t understand sarcasm or satire in others posts but has no problem dishing it out in his.
Apparently you didn’t mind the “dirty, liberal, pot-smoking, hippie, vegan, tree huger” crack. Or is that the job of yet another concerned bleeding heart who will take up their cause?
But thank you for reading the entire thing just to make sure there was no humor in it.
7
Les James
// Sep 30, 2008 at 10:44 pm
BTW Von I have this interview thing I do once a month at Sideshow Mirrors. It involves role playing and the ability to be funny. Let me know if you’d like to do one sometime. You’ve got a great character going there.
8
Celebghost
// Oct 1, 2008 at 1:48 pm
Wait, Wait, Wait!!! This is supposed to be a Political Humor website that involves, sarcasm, and satire?…I thought this was real news…I’ve only been posting comments so the terrorists don’t win. Dang thanks Les James for saving me from wasting more of my precious blogging time…
9
Fiar
// Oct 1, 2008 at 2:15 pm
But it is real news. And only half as biased.
10
Fiar
// Oct 1, 2008 at 2:17 pm
I’m going to have to painstakingly scour this site for any hints of humor or sarcasm and purge them with great haste.
11
JumpOut
// Oct 1, 2008 at 4:53 pm
Wow, you got your work cut out for you.
12
Fiar
// Oct 1, 2008 at 5:14 pm
It’s that bad? Oh dear. The baby Obama weeps.
13
Chris C
// Oct 1, 2008 at 5:55 pm
What is this real world you speak of?
14
JumpOut
// Oct 1, 2008 at 6:32 pm
Just trying to make it easier on you.
15
Les James
// Oct 1, 2008 at 8:25 pm
I went to the real world once. It had rides and was very colorful. They had this big, talking mouse and was the happiest place on earth. I can’t go back there because it cost too much. But if I took a second out on my house and maxed out my credit cards…What could possible go wrong?
16 The Real Differences Between Democrats and Republicans Part 2 | Political Humor by Radioactive Liberty // Oct 7, 2008 at 11:30 am
[...] The Real Differences Between Democrats and Republicans [...]
17
Jack
// Oct 10, 2008 at 9:38 am
your all idiots
18 Satire | Democrats to Win by Landslide | Political Humor by Radioactive Liberty // Nov 4, 2008 at 10:14 am
[...] estimated 20% -to as high as 50% in a few precincts- of recently registered Democrat voters who are undecided as to how they will vote or in many case how to vote, are to be aided by the [...]
19 Political Satire| The Wreckage | Political Humor by Radioactive Liberty // Nov 7, 2008 at 10:22 am
[...] It was like Katrina only a hundred times more devastation, the dead careers of hundreds of Republican politicians floating in the murky water below. “Hurricane Obama hit the GOP pretty [...]
20 Vote Barack Obama for President of All 58 States | Political Humor by Radioactive Liberty // Nov 8, 2008 at 3:22 pm
[...] states will not know if they are in one of the 8 states not in the union. If they’re Democrats, they will still be eligible to vote in multiple precincts too. Even if they’re [...]
21 Republican National Convention Schedule Heats Up | Political Humor by Radioactive Liberty // Nov 8, 2008 at 3:30 pm
[...] Convention schedule, the Hot Vice Presidential candidate will take to the stage tonight at the Republican National Convention. The attendee’s of the RNC will rise and salute the VP nominee, and she [...]
22 John McCain’s VP Pick Sarah Palin is Hot | Political Humor by Radioactive Liberty // Nov 8, 2008 at 3:30 pm
[...] the Democrats and the Republicans. Liberal women are homley, sad creatures, like Rosie. While Republicans have a long history of attracting tight bodies with brains. Now add to the list, which includes [...]
23 DNC and RNC Perk Packs | Political Humor by Radioactive Liberty // Nov 8, 2008 at 3:31 pm
[...] thing is for sure, unlike the DNC, the St. Paul gathering of Republicans will need a lot of alcohol to combat the boredom. They don’t have Dennis Kucinich after [...]
24 It Could Be So Much Worse if We Had Democrats | Political Humor by Radioactive Liberty // Nov 8, 2008 at 4:03 pm
[...] of the alternative. We could have Democrats be the majority party, and that would be the demise of America, and if that doesn’t wind up [...]
25 I’m No Republican | Political Humor by Radioactive Liberty // Nov 8, 2008 at 4:06 pm
[...] probably never will be. I don’t give 2 flips about the Republican Party. I am a conservative. The Republican Party is Socialist. The two don’t mix too [...]
26 Raging Against the Political Machine | Political Humor by Radioactive Liberty // Nov 10, 2008 at 10:15 am
[...] So what this means is that Clusterphobia is a seemingly unwarranted dread of political parties, committees, government organizations, unions, boards or other similar groups, gangs, gaggles or… clusters. [...]
27 Left vs. Right: Will Obama Fix Everything? | Political Humor by Radioactive Liberty // Nov 13, 2008 at 10:08 am
[...] everyone and welcome to Left vs. Right where two political humor writers try to find some kind of common ground on the issues of the day. [...]
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